You're right. If you followed the plan here, it could actually be saved. But if you have no intention of doing that, then there is no hope and you might as well proceed with a divorce.

No one advised you to do anything like that.


She understands no such thing. However, she does understand you will stay with her at all costs. How many outside relationships has she engaged in while she's in the house? You are lying to yourself.


Why bother? And that is a sincere question. You will stay and not expose her affairs so why bother checking up on her?


If you are sincerely looking for a way to save your marriage then you should actually work the program...


because this^^^ is not a plan.

Graphics aren't required when exposing to children but the truth is. He should know mum has boyfriends because there is no other way to explain. You also have NO idea what he's seen.

Lots of OM prey on children too so your son must know you will believe him.

Far from advising to put her out on the street, Dr H advises quite the opposite. Get your wife the help she needs and be her hero at this time.

Kicking her out is expressly forbidden.

I have already explained to her that I cannot abide her behavior, and that no matter how much I love her I will not be made miserable. I will not stay married to her "no matter what." I am sick to death of the lying and pain. I have had enough. I still have a nagging hope that things can turn around, and it only causes me more pain.


I never said I didn't proceed with exposure at all. I have already told my entire family, and our friends. I have told her family but been met mostly with "it's really none of our business" and awkward silence on the other end of the line. The only one I'm leaving out is my son. This is a judgement call on my part.


I don't see how I can do more than I am doing, sincerely. She will not cooperate with this program. She has said it more than once. She will not agree to individual nor couples counseling. She is biding her time because she has very few choices.

My wife has never brought another person into our physical home. I have asked my neighbors. I have asked my older son (who lived with us until he was 21 and was home most of the time) about the older issues, and he doesn't ever remember a man in the house other than me at any time.

This is a bad judgment call that will make your wife less likely to be motivated to work on recovery. Exposing the affair, especially to children, is a cold dose of reality that has the effect of motivating the wayward to work on recovery.

Lying to kids about the source of tension in your lives just teaches them to be dishonest. Illusions and lies about their parents do not make kids happy or secure, it just causes them confusion and makes them ill prepared when faced with the fall out of the affair. Just think, if you died in a car wreck tomorrow, the OM would be free to take over your family. Your kids would never know. As long as they don;t know about the OM, your wife is free to bring him in and out of her life.

You are just confusing your kids asking them questions like this and then withholding the truth about their lives. This is vital information about their life and there is no valid reason to withhold it. It does not help your wife, you or them. It does not make your marriage a safer place, but an unsafer place. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable.

Your WW is not unique. ALL WW behave this way. Even me.

Men can save their marriages despite this.

So do you want help saving this, or are you going to continue doing things your way? If you do not want to follow this program, then the very best thing for you and your child will be to get a divorce because I can just about guarantee she will have another affair.

I do. You could expose her to your son.


That is the problem every husband who has come here has arrived with. We can help you solve that, if you will follow the plan instead of leaving out crucial steps.

I will talk with my son. He tends to internalize everything though I am very worried how he will take this. My wife has been very quiet and depressed. She is sleeping a lot. She has thrown basically all of her time into school and my son. Her only outgoing calls and texts are to her sister and brother. She is very uncomfortable around me, though she tries to hide it.

He will take it a lot better with his dad on his side, telling him the truth.

My children literally cried with relief when I told them about XH's affairs. They had felt the tension and knew there was something wrong but, being children, they blamed themselves. They thought that it was because they had been badly behaved.

In XH's father's case, nothing was said to the children but they knew. Because nothing was said, they thought this was the correct coping mechanism when there were problems in the marriage so no surprise when XH followed the same path as his father.

Always tell your children the factual truth calmly and without anger.

This is another problem. She has been relying heavily on her family. Her brother actually left his wife last year and is with a younger woman. Whether or not they were already together before the divorce I have no idea. Her sister has been divorced and through 2 other long-term relationships the last of which just ended in him cheating on her. They are not going to hold her accountable for anything.

That's just fine. Exposure is also good at revealing the enemies of her marriage and people who do not care about her.

It's still effective - the worthwhile friends depart and you get left with the dregs

You'll want to exclude enemies from recovery - give them a chance first.

Maybe having ALL wayward kids will be the last straw. Besides those situations weren't exposed? How can the parents support a spouse who hasn't bothered asking?

Another thing that I may have not mentioned is that throughout our marriage I have always considered her and my children my "Family." Not my parents, brothers, etc. Yes they are part of my family but when I speak of my family I mean my wife and children. My wife has never been like this. She has always considered her birth family her "Family." Is this just silly on my part? Is it just semantics? I know that the fact that she isn't physically near her "Family" has been a HUGE problem for her for years. As we are going through this latest conflict I know it is a HUGE source of sadness and loneliness for her.

When are you telling your son?

I will talk to him about it when I pick him up from school today.

That is fine. You cannot predict who will or won't be a support but just telling everyone makes it much harder for her to ever conduct an affair. Secondly, exposing it like this can put pressure on affair enablers by exposing their enabling. You cant' select exposure targets based on who you predict will or won't support your marriage. You just need to expose to family and close friends and hope for the best.

Kids react well to the truth. They don't react well to lies and secrets.