When that link is opened there is an identical thread, and in that there there is another link to an earlier thread with the same subject matter.

When Senator_H's history is searched, there is a sorry picture of several more threads on the same subject, and worse, threads about his wife's affair, about which she was completely open and unapologetic.

Senator, it doesn't seem as if the issues have ever been resolved in ten years of posting here, and I don't see how they can be, if you continue your practice of not addressing people's questions, and only posting lists of phrases.

Here is a post with a list of phrases:

Quite bizarre.

A very sorry victim of betrayed spouse fog.

I am satisfied with the level of Love my wife brings to the marriage. Just my wife does not think of expressing her love, as compliments for her husband. My wife cooks meals, buys groceries, washes dishes, cleans the house, does a large portion of the washing and dry cleaning. Runs errands for the children and grand children etc.

Just my wife does not usually think to give me compliments, or ego boosts. Since I am the one who desire more verbal admiration, I am making a list of compliments I should like to hear from my wife.

Since there are combination of needs that each of us have, there may be many members of MB, for whom Admiration or compliments or ego boost, is not important. I may be in a minority of MB message board participants as to my need/desire for Admiration.

I welcome anyone to bring up other issues, on this thread, as other ideas may also be relevant, besides issues of Admiration.

Perhaps I should make notation of more compliments for husbands, just on a random basis.


//

Dr H spells out very clearly we are responsible for creating the environment for our needs to be GENUINELY met.

There's no problem whatsoever in your admiration need. It's one of my high needs too.

But you can't just ask for it. That's not genuine. You have to ask your wife what she finds admirable and work from there.

You also need a romantic relationship in which there is hours to fill with romantic conversation. The admiration need will then be met as a matter of course.

Currently you describe her activities as domestic and you are hyper focused on duty too. There is no romantic relationship or room for genuine admiration in the situation you describe.

You are work mates who ignore each other socially and romantically. That is not a situation in which a woman will be moved to verbally express admiration.

I would be very disturbed if my husband had no interest in my real opinions and just wanted me to parrot flash cards.

That's not admiration, it's acting. Try it, but this wouldn't quench my thirst for admiration.

Also your wife is bound to forget because she doesn't really feel that way. You want admiration that she feels compelled to talk about.

You must have already mentioned this anyway - unless you literally never talk to each other!

These are not the things that a woman does when she's in love. These are errands - you understand that right?

She very very likely is not in love with you at all if this is it.

Since you are so good with money, do you have some extra that you could use for the online program?

Your wife is not meeting a high need that you have and you both need help to understand how to care for each other. Your relationship seems to be lacking the intimate emotional need meeting which is a precursor to romantic love. You want your wife to admire you for things that she probably doesn't care too much about and doing the finances might not ever make her giddy with excitement and admiration. But with some coaching, maybe she can learn to give you compliments.

Whether this need is desired by the majority does not matter. You crave admiration. She craves romance. (Otherwise she wouldn't have had an affair.) You guys need some help because for whatever reason, your wife doesn't admire you or express admiration or appreciation to you.

Would she do the coaching with you?

But what do you intend to do with the lists you post here? That's what I don't understand.

You have been posting these lists for years. I'm trying to find out what you intend to do with them.

In asking for admiration, perhaps, "Could you show me some imaginative favor, because I feel that I have been putting in extra effort to help the family by _____"

I am happy with the rest of my marriage. I would just like a little more Admiration, sometimes, in ways that might not occur to my wife. My wife shows me love in other facets of our marriage, just is sometimes short on Admiration.

Thanks for the ideas of how I might approach increasing the overall aspects of love from my wife.


//

Have you asked your wife to say any of the things you post here?

I have occasionally asked my wife for admiration. The phrases I put in my posts here, are ideas for the future. The attitude and gesture are also important, for a pleasant outcome.

I have also recently asked my wife for inspiration, which is a part of Admiration. "Can you think of some short ways to give me a little inspiration?"

//

Senator, Happyheart has asked about the possibility of an Aspergers diagnosis. Reading your posts, that question came immediately to my mind also. Having worked in the mental health field, I had the opportunity to know a number of clients with this diagnosis. Highly intelligent with a unique and interesting way of viewing the world made communication and relating to others challenging for them.

I assume you are coming to this forum for assistance in communicating your emotional needs to your wife, but your communication style is confusing making it difficult for posters here to provide the assistance you seem to be asking for.

If for instance, your communication style can be attributed to Aspergers, it would be helpful to know this. If you don't know the answer to this question, it might be very helpful in solving your current relationship issues for you and your wife to get some assistance from a mental health specialist. As other posters have previously advised you, the Harleys would be the ideal professionals who could assist and guide you. I would strongly advise you to contact them. I don't know that anyone here can effectively help you without having a clear understanding of what kind of help you are really asking for.

How does your wife respond when you occasionally ask her for admiration? Does she say the things you want, willingly?

How did she respond when you asked for short ways to give you a little inspiration?

Senator, your original post says your wife is happy to respond to your request - but it's obvious that this isn't fulfilling for you, or you wouldn't be still posting about it.

Spend 15 hours a week, rather than 15 mins a day and I promise you'll feel more satisfied.

Your wife is gracious, but she isn't overflowing with love and admiration.

It takes 15 hours a week of fun dates to get that.

What have you got to lose?

My wife is generally receptive and responsive to my requests for admiration and support.

My hesitation to ask, comes from my feeling that I should not have to ask, for encouragement. I feel that my wife should already know what supportive phrases I like to hear. Therefore, asking is contrary to her intelligence.

So my hesitation is not out off fear of rejection.


Harley's Emotional Needs Questionaire:

"My spouse gives me all the admiration I need. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to admire
you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse admires me. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your marriage

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf


So this thread is an attempt to take responsibility for asking for more admiration from my spouse.

I just need to develop the phrases to request the Admiration part of Love, then wait for a good opportunity to ask for Admiration.


//

I'm really struggling here to understand what help you are asking for here. I still do not understand the point of this thread, or the other similar threads you have started here for nearly ten years now. I'm trying to find out why you are posting these lists of words here, on a forum designed for people to give you help. I've asked you to explain, and you never really do that. You just say what you have said many times before, and then you post a few words from Dr Harley, but you never actually tell us how we can help you.

1. Your wife "is generally receptive and responsive" to your requests for admiration and support.

Why then do you post these phrases here? Again, I'll ask you: what is the point of these phrases, on this forum? If she responds well to your requests, then why not carry on making the requests to her? Why post these words to us?

2. "My hesitation to ask, comes from my feeling that I should not have to ask, for encouragement. I feel that my wife should already know what supportive phrases I like to hear. Therefore, asking is contrary to her intelligence."

Well: how should your wife already know what supportive phrases you like to hear? And how should she know that you like these phrases to be spoken regularly and without prompting, throughout your marriage?

If one day you ask:

�Could you think of a way to mention appreciation for the efforts I make for the family?�

...and (since you say that she is "generally receptive and responsive to your requests) she replies "I DO appreciate the efforts you make for the family! I think you look after us very well!...

...If she says that on the day you ask, how is she to know that you want her to say that phrase from time to time, on her own without prompting?

And if you say, at different times

"Can you tell me that I am a great organizer of our receipts and tax papers?

Can you tell me that I have all the boxes of receipts properly labeled for past years archives?

Can you tell me that you appreciate my coordinating with tax preparers to get the taxes in in a timely manner?"...

...and she says to each of these requests "YesI I think you have managed our taxes and paperwork really well. I appreciate that because I couldn't do it"...

...How is she to know that you want her to say those phrases again, spontaneously. given the fact that she has already said what you wanted her to say?

How is she supposed to know that your need is really for these things to be said regularly and spontaneously, if you do not make it clear to her?

It is a great mistake in marriage to take the attitude that your spouse should know what you need, and then to feel despondent (or angry or irritated) when she does not spontaneously do what you feel she should be doing.

Your wife does not give this encouragement without being prompted, by the sound of it. That being the case, I still don't understand what you are trying to achieve by posting these phrases to this forum.

If the real problem is that you feel your wife should show you admiration without being asked, then clarify for us that this is the problem, and we can focus on it. However, the way to get help with the problem is NOT to repeatedly post phrases in thread after thread. If her need to be prompted is the problem, then you need to stop posting phrases, because they are detracting from the problem. The wording of phrases is not the problem.

"So this thread is an attempt to take responsibility for asking for more admiration from my spouse."

The way to "take responsibility for asking for more admiration" from you wife is NOT to post phrases on this forum, so please stop doing that. The way to take responsibility is to ask your wife directly for admiration.

You quoted this from Dr Harley's questionnaire:

"Harley's Emotional Needs Questionaire:

"My spouse gives me all the admiration I need. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to admire
you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse admires me. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your marriage."
_________________________________________

Senator, do you know how the questionnaires are supposed to work?

They work by both spouses filling them all out. In doing so, each spouse evaluates how well each of the common emotional needs is being met, and if any are not being met as well as a spouse would like, that information is communicated to the other spouse by showing them the answers on the questionnaire.

The questionnaires are not an end in themselves: the whole point is that they provide a respectful environment in which to identify to your spouse that a need is not being met very well, and to describe to your spouse how it could be better met.

There would be no point in spouses completing the questionnaires and not sharing the answers with each other, and equally, there is no point in your listing phrases here on a thread and not communicating to your wife how often and in what circumstances you would like those phrases to be used.

However: those questionnaires are intended to be used as part of the entire Marriage Builders course, which is designed to make both spouses look at the whole marriage and identify - for each other - areas that need to be improved. If you want to get your need for admiration met, you need to encourage your wife to understand the concepts of the Love Bank and of Emotional Needs. You cannot expect her to know that regular admiration is an important emotional need for you if she does not know anything about the concept of Emotional Needs, and how having those needs met builds love in the marriage.

Equally, you cannot expect her to care about this emotional need of yours in isolation, if you have never asked her about her own emotional needs and how those are being met, and have never asked for suggestions on improving how these are met.