Eventually. It's not big. We deliberately got a smaller loan than what the bank was willing to give us so we could pay down other debts. For now I'm going to ask him to keep paying for it. Along with everything else.

Depending on your state, you will get temporary spousal support and child support orders right away while the divorce is pending, so he'll have to pay.

Yes, this is what my lawyer expects to happen.

I just dropped off and notarized at the lawyer's office. Now I need to compose a letter to let WH know.

Good girl! When will he be served?

Start working on a very short, loving letter this afternoon and we can play around with it this evening and tomorrow. Just tell him you want to give him a heads up and that you do not want him to get the wrong idea.

Dear WH, I have received some advice that it would be best to file legal papers that establish financial support and visitation. I did not want to do this, but felt It was best to make sure we are all legally protected. If we reconcile, I would drop this action.

I still love you and do not want a divorce. I would be willing to discuss reconciliation in the future if you end your affair and commit to a program of recovery. I want you to know that door is open for now.

All my love, jw

Lawyer said she expects to have bit ready to file by Friday.

I don't think I could improve on this. It's exactly what I want to say.

Should I write it out and have my im deliver it? Or email?

I don't know yet if it's an option, but if I can should I add the OW name to the D complaint?

Add the ow's name to the complaint. I would rypw it out, sign it and put it in an envelope and send with your kids.

I told the lawyer I want to, just waiting to hear back from her.

And I can do that. I'll just put it in the diaper bag.

I sent the lawyer all the info she needed yesterday. Put the letter for WH in the diaper bag this morning.

When I was getting the diaper bag ready last night, I pulled everything out like you do sometimes instead of just adding more diapers, and I found that at some point he had dropped his key to my van down in there. I was already having a hard time, and for some reason that jut made me feel worse. Sad day today. I guess it's time to take my vitamins and fold laundry and vacuum - I always feel better when I get something done.

Yes, do something that makes you feel better (even if it's cleaning). All of the steps of actually physically separating are hard. I had a hard time moving out of our shared apartment because it symbolized our life together, but I was fine once it was done. All of these small things are hard, but remember that if you reconcile, keys can be given back, stuff replaced, new houses moved into or whatever needs to be done.

In the meantime, you are doing great in an impossibly hard situation. Surround yourself with good stuff and love.

Thanks pigwig. You are definitely right. All of the steps before have been hard, but I have felt better once they were done. It's hard to remember that in the moment, though. Thanks for the reminder.

So, soccer games start next weekend. WH has continued showing up to my son's Scott events and meetings, so I can only assume he will show up to the soccer games. The game schedule gets posted online. I have read the advice about plan B and kids' events. And I get it. I struggle a little because when my parents divorced, I saw that my parents couldn't be in the same room. They were so ugly to each other during the divorce, and afterwards, they would be in the same room sometimes and were just so miserable. I think the reason it was so hard on us kids was because 1) we didn't know what was going on - I only found out as I have been going through this that my mom was a serial cheater. I suspected an affair, but had no idea really what was going on and I was 16 - definitely old enough to handle it. And 2) we really thought they hated each other and wished they had never met which meant they thought our whole family was a mistake. My dad told me recently that he wasn't mad-that it just hurt so much every time he saw her he just shut down.

So I don't want to make this worse than our already is for my kids. In thinking about it, I think I need to explain that if he comes I will have to leave, and arrange for someone to video the games. Because I really do want to see their games. Any words of advice on what to say?

Also, my daughter is still not interested in seeing him. I am trying to prepare for what to do and how to support her if he tries to watch her game. Any ideas?

Also, I feel like I need to change my username. What is the etiquette on that?

And would you recommend my IM as the person to be at the games with me to video and drive the kids if I need to leave?

Am so proud of the fact that you GET this completely. It is more important to your kids to have a mother who is emotionally stable than to have her at sports games. You GET that. I would tell them exactly what your father told you. Your kids will understand it.


I would handle it the same way you handle your son's game. And if he comes to her games, she doesn't have to speak to him. She can also email him or call him and ask him to stay away.


Just go to "my stuff" and I think you can change it in preferences. [maybe profile?] If you need to change it, change it...

Sounds like a great idea...

I agree it is so refreshing to see someone who GETS that pretending the A didn't happen helps no one!

Most people go by the Hollywood movie version where the divorced parents hug all the time.

Message? Kids - doesn't matter if you get along, divorce the moment you find it a bit dull.

Your IM going with the camera is a great idea and I think it's amazing to encourage your daughter to use her voice.

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My parents were not able to hug and pretend nothing happened. They just coldly said hello and stood on opposite sides of the room. It was very uncomfortable. It made us feel awful. A much as I really want to be there every minute, and I know they want me there watching, but having your parents in the same place and in conflict is detrimental. It's painful. They are already dealing with enough. It would be selfish of me to put them through that. (And yes, I'm writing it out to keep convincing myself.)

My lawyer sent the complaint over for me o review. It's straightforward - lists irreconcilable differences, inappropriate marital conduct, adultery, and abandonment. Says that he's provided sporadic support based on what he decides based on what he has left over each month. That he admitted to an affair with a subordinate prior to leaving the family.

I think it's good. I did send it back and asked her to put the OWs name on it.

Sigh. This is hard. But it feels like the the right thing to do now.

You are doing the right thing. I know it is hard, but you have done a great job for your family.