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I have been married to my wife for 10 yrs. We have never had any problems until I caught her lying to me 4 months ago. I found hundreds of text messages between her and a old BF. The OM is married and lives 7 hrs away. My wife said it was a EA. But from what I read it was clearly a PA, they had met in hotels several times and talked about sex. My wife would admit to nothing but kissing him. We went to a MC and she finally admitted to giving him a blow job. I told her she can have no contact with him. I have tried several times to get the truth but get nothing. My wife is back treating me great but I feel so numb inside. I am so frustrated I don't know what to say to her. How do I get info on the affair? What else should I do?
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Joined: Oct 2007
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This is very fixable but only if you follow the steps.
You have plenty of evidence with her admission of an affair to move on to exposure -- which is GREAT news -- and exposure is Step 1.
Have you read the Exposure 101 thread? If not please do so and come back and we can help you.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Is the OM married?
and
Is he on FB?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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My wife is back treating me great but I feel so numb inside. I am so frustrated I don't know what to say to her. How do I get info on the affair? What else should I do? Hi TX, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would start by slipping spyware on her phone and a GPS on her car so you can watch for future contact. In the meantime, you should expose the affair wide and far using the steps on the exposure thread in my signature. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing will probably cause it to die.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Expose today, especially to the other man's betrayed wife. That will help kill the affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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The OM is married but not on FB. I haven't been able to find any friends of the OM. I have his bosses email. I did find some forwarded email addresses, but not sure if they are other employees or customers email addresses. Should I expose to them if I don't know who they are? I was going to send his boss a picture of the OM with his shirt off and say it is disturbing how many pictures of his penis he has sent my wife. Is there anything legal I need to worry about? What happens if he gets fired?
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My wife has a old flip phone. Is there anything that works on it?
The affair ended when I found out 4 months ago. I am going to expose on the OM side. Do I still need to expose on my wife's side and my side? I feel like we have been making progress and it would make things worse. Not sure my parents would ever let it go and make gatherings tough.
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The OM is married but not on FB. I haven't been able to find any friends of the OM. I have his bosses email. I did find some forwarded email addresses, but not sure if they are other employees or customers email addresses. Should I expose to them if I don't know who they are? I was going to send his boss a picture of the OM with his shirt off and say it is disturbing how many pictures of his penis he has sent my wife. Is there anything legal I need to worry about? What happens if he gets fired? There is not a legal problem if you tell the truth. However, just exposing to the boss will not solve the problem. [although that is a good idea!] It will take a comprehensive approach, starting with the OM's WIFE. Did you read my exposure thread?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wife has a old flip phone. Is there anything that works on it?
The affair ended when I found out 4 months ago. I am going to expose on the OM side. Do I still need to expose on my wife's side and my side? I feel like we have been making progress and it would make things worse. Not sure my parents would ever let it go and make gatherings tough. Yes, you should expose to your wife's side and your side. That is one of the most important exposures. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable and give you support. Exposure is a GOOD THING, not a bad thing. It does not make things "worse." And I not sure why you believe the affair ended 4 months ago if you have no spyware on her phone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am starting with the OM wife. Should I give her a day or 2 to snoop on the OM phone? Should I email his fellow workers? Is there a place I can set up a new email account? I did read the exposure info.
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DO NOT TRICKLE EXPOSE. Expose to everyone within a few hours or minutes.
Expose to your family and hers, your kids, yes gatherings will be tough. She will have to ask for forgiveness, and your parents should then give it unconditional.
You can set up hotmail or gmail accounts.
After exposure, she will be spitting mad.
When she is ready to recover then you start with extraordinary precautions.
You know they did more than oral sex if they were in a hotel room together several times (you don't go to a hotel room to read poetry to your lover)
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Update:
I exposed around 6 months ago. It killed the affair. But, my wife denied everything and told everyone that it was just words and she never did anything. I don't trust my wife at all. It has been really hard on me. I feel like I have never healed because she would never come clean. When I 1st found out about the affair she would delete all the phone calls out of her cell log and delete the texts. She told me that her EA was over but I found out after exposure that they were still talking. My wife tells me she loves me, but I feel so numb inside. It is like her words mean nothing since I read all the things she said to the other guy (like how much she loves and misses him). I appreciate any thoughts or advice on what to do.
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Update:
I exposed around 6 months ago. It killed the affair. But, my wife denied everything and told everyone that it was just words and she never did anything. I don't trust my wife at all. It has been really hard on me. I feel like I have never healed because she would never come clean. When I 1st found out about the affair she would delete all the phone calls out of her cell log and delete the texts. She told me that her EA was over but I found out after exposure that they were still talking. My wife tells me she loves me, but I feel so numb inside. It is like her words mean nothing since I read all the things she said to the other guy (like how much she loves and misses him). I appreciate any thoughts or advice on what to do. Is she still having the affair? Has she changed all her contact information? Did she write him a NC letter? Who did you expose to on OM's side?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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No, the affair is over. I sent emails to his family and I spoke with the OM's wife. My wife did a NC letter. The OM also sent her a NC text. My wifes cell is still the same. His # is still in her phone. I was going to delete it but if they really wanted to talk they have each others work #'s and emails so I didn't think it would do any good to delete his # out of her cell.
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No, the affair is over. I sent emails to his family and I spoke with the OM's wife. My wife did a NC letter. The OM also sent her a NC text. My wifes cell is still the same. His # is still in her phone. I was going to delete it but if they really wanted to talk they have each others work #'s and emails so I didn't think it would do any good to delete his # out of her cell. Yes, it will. In a moment of weakness, you are making it easier for her to make contact. Just the act of having to recall the number and type it in as opposed to hitting a speed dial button makes a difference!
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Update:
I exposed around 6 months ago. It killed the affair. But, my wife denied everything and told everyone that it was just words and she never did anything. I don't trust my wife at all. It has been really hard on me. I feel like I have never healed because she would never come clean. When I 1st found out about the affair she would delete all the phone calls out of her cell log and delete the texts. She told me that her EA was over but I found out after exposure that they were still talking. My wife tells me she loves me, but I feel so numb inside. It is like her words mean nothing since I read all the things she said to the other guy (like how much she loves and misses him). I appreciate any thoughts or advice on what to do. Did you expose to the OM's wife?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, the affair is over. I sent emails to his family and I spoke with the OM's wife. My wife did a NC letter. The OM also sent her a NC text. My wifes cell is still the same. His # is still in her phone. I was going to delete it but if they really wanted to talk they have each others work #'s and emails so I didn't think it would do any good to delete his # out of her cell. Never mind, i see here you spoke to the OM's wife. What was her reaction?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My wifes cell is still the same. His # is still in her phone. I was going to delete it but if they really wanted to talk they have each others work #'s and emails so I didn't think it would do any good to delete his # out of her cell. Even IF she never texts or calls the number, just seeing it in her phone will be trigger.
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TXCPR,
You wrote, I exposed around 6 months ago. It killed the affair. But, my wife denied everything and told everyone that it was just words and she never did anything.
Your WW should go back to those people she lied to and admit her guilt, she called you a liar and needs to make up for that.
Get a polygraph for your WW send the result to the OMW.
Did you ever expose the OM at work?
God Bless
Gamma
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The OM wife was shocked. They had only been married a couple years. He had been flirting with my wife for several years. And I think they dated a long time ago. Most of it was over the phone but I told her when I thought they had hooked up. I think she kicked him out of the house for a day or 2. She called me back a couple days later and said he will never contact my wife again. I never heard anything else.
I just have scars from reading and seeing those nasty pictures and texts. How do you get over my wife saying "I love you with all my heart and never let you go" and all their dirty talk of having sex? My wife tells me it was just words and meant nothing.
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