Identify the problem from both perspectives.

Find an alternative that WOULD make you both happy.

Review the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
Guideline 1: Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe.
Guideline 2: Identify the problem from both perspectives.
Guideline 3: Brainstorm with abandon.
Guideline 4: Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement -- mutual and enthusiastic agreement.

Notice that none of the steps require you to stay in the "do nothing" default of POJA.

You will also find that once you know how to negotiate (and do it on a regular basis), when there are no lovebusters in your marriage, AND when you are getting UA, a lot of these problems that seem big to you now will go away.

Find an alternative.

If you were not resentful, you would not be bringing it up now.
You are experiencing Type B resentment. Read about it here. You will experience this until an alternative has been found.

Why?
It bothered her for him to get the mail.
They found an alternative.

I wouldn't expect to be able to do very good negotiation until this has been going on for awhile longer, then. The feeling of romantic love that comes from following the whole Marriage Builders plan is the lubricant that makes the difficult parts of the plan work.


Outside of the house?

Did you ask him to listen?

To be honest I was thinking no pet ownership at all would be the likeliest outcome after posting this. Bit psyched to see Dr H thought so too. I was thinking so because getting rid of the dogs would hurt short term but eventually you'd forget and fill your life with other things.

While they are there however, ownership of them means doing something you're not entirely happy with.

It's unlikely you would have got the dogs at all if you'd PoJAd the pet rules first. So I would just consider that.

However I'm not saying that this is the 'right' option by any means - you are the person who knows your own views best. If you can find a way to be OK with them outside, your own feelings are the test.

I have to say though, this does sound like an unhappy 'lose lose' compromise between two fixed views. Your H doesn't sound enthusiastic about owning dogs at all - but to stay on 'middle ground' he won't get rid of them entirely.

You want them to be part of the household and entire family: presumably why you got them, but to stay on 'middle ground' your experience of pet ownership is not the type you wanted at all.

Why not just get rid of them? They'd be happier in a home where they were wanted by all concerned, and you wouldn't have all the responsibility without the enjoyment of pet ownership. Without them you could find another type of family experience, one that bonds you all.

There may also be a type of pet that your husband would enjoy more - then you could all share the experience.

I think it's a a bit strange for a couple to own dogs, but only really one of you is into them. That's a a confusing set up for dogs too, who tend to see the man as the alpha.

[/quote]

Did your husband listen with you?[/quote]

No, he didn't listen with me.[/quote]

Did you ask him to listen?[/quote] No

No, his still wasn't allowed to check the mail, a year later. Joyce asked him how long it had been, he said a year. That's what prompted his call. He felt controlled by poja. They were stuck.

The first week about 14 hours were out of the house. This past week about 10 hours out of the house.

TO - you do know that 10/14 hours is a waste of time don't you? If you aren't getting 15 in you might as well do something else.

No, he wants the dogs. He likes the dogs. He wants to go outside a few minutes a day. pet them and come back inside.

The kids and I want the dogs. We like the dogs. We want to go outside with them, but we also like them inside with us throughout our day.

Our first agreement said the dogs could be inside, while he was at work. He changed his mind.

I would rather enjoy my dogs outside, than to not have them at all. That's why I've stopped negotiations with him. I'm concerned he will change his mind further, to no dogs at all. He mentioned it once, but said he knew how much that would hurt the kids and me.

Our total UA was 19 the last week, then about 16 for this week. The remainder was time at home alone, in our bedroom doing things we can't do out of the house.

He just recently decided that our marriage is more important than his career. We scheduled more than 15 and got more than 15. It's better than what we were doing. It didn't feel like a waste of time. We've made progress from where we were in 2011. I don't see separation or divorce on the horizon anymore.

This right here.... This is why I need to let the dog thing go. H has said there are no circumstances under which he wants the dogs in the house.

This was my whole point of this recent dialogue about the January 27 radio show. Sometimes we must let go of our enthusiasm, so our spouses don't sacrifice.

I understand we brainstorm, we talk, we think...but ultimately if one spouse says no....it needs to be a no.

Fair enough.


Good news about UA

We are both looking forward to this day!

No, I didn't. He doesn't like it when I ask him to read something or listen to something specific. He says, he feels like I'm trying to educate him.

His listens voluntarily to the radio show, though.

Right. Because enthusiasm is only valuable if you are BOTH enthusiastic about decisions that affect your marriage.

And you find an alternative that makes you BOTH HAPPY.

You are really focused on there only being 2 options: His or Hers. POJA will not work if you are going to limit yourselves like that.

He doesn't want dogs in the house. Okay. You find an alternative that YOU BOTH will be happy with.