My whole point of posting was to correctly understand the Harley's statements in the January 27 show. They seemed contrary to what I've been told on my thread.

On the show, he said Margaret didn't need to quit her job because she wouldn't be enthusiastic about quitting. Although, the amount of money she made hurt her spouse. It was one of their listed conflicts.

A spouse doesn't need to be enthusiastic about stopping something that hurts the other spouse.

I understand that we need to find an alternative that makes us both happy. But, my point was the thing that hurts the spouse can't remain on the table.

I understand that we find alternatives. We make our marriage so amazing that we don't miss the "thing" that we gave up. That is how a win/win is created.

In our case, it is up to me to be enthusiastic about an alternative. Not try to force my H to be enthusiastic about something he isn't. We just haven't found it yet.

Maybe when the weather warms up and we can be outside more and spend more time with the animals. Maybe when we buy a boat and we're on a lake fishing (high on the RC list). Maybe when we finish our covered porches and the dogs don't get so nasty, they can come in the house.

I'm really not stuck on two options. I just know everything that includes them being in the house is out of the question for now and maybe forever.

I absolutely appreciate all the dialogue and q and a on my thread! Iron sharpens iron. Trust that I don't waste your time. I listen, think and apply.

That is not all he said. Did you read the transcript I posted?

If you stop at the "do nothing" and do not go on to find something else that would make you both happy, then you really are stuck on just two options.

For your situation with the dogs, I suggest finding an alternative that doesn't involve dogs.

This is what Brainstorm with Abandon means.

Yes, I listened and read the transcript.

Joyce: "Let me bring up a couple of the issues. The first one being her husband feels inferior regarding income."

Margaret: "Yes, I think you could put it that way.

Joyce: "So much so that he doesn't even want to know what she's receiving in this new job. So how do you deal with that? Because she's not going to quit her job to make him feel more equal in the incomes."

Dr. Harley: "Well first of all she would not be enthusiastic about that outcome.

Isn't he saying she doesn't need to quit her job to make him feel more equal in the income, because she would not be enthusiastic about that outcome. Literally.

I'm sorry I don't see it differently. She MIGHT need to quit her job as ONE of the options because her H isn't happy about making less money than her. I know it's not the only option.

It seemed to me that he was saying that quitting the job wouldn't be an option because she wouldn't be enthusiastic about quitting her job.

We tell people all the time to work more, work less, change jobs, don't go to this or that meeting....if your spouse isn't enthusiastic about what you are doing. It just read to me, like he was taking quitting the job out of the options. That's all.

Why? If we both want the dogs.

You left out quite a bit of the transcript.

Having dogs in the house is not the only thing in life that will make you happy. It's one of many.

Find an alternative thing that makes you both happy.

I heard this radio show and my take away from this was that Dr. Harley was saying that his feeling of inferiority about her higher income was likely just a SYMPTOM of the other marital problems. If they fixed the root problems they have, that feeling would probably go away. Regardless, of all their issues right now, that is a side issue. They had more pressing concerns to address first, so quitting her job would be rash.

If they improved their marriage in other ways his negative feelings about the income disparity would likely disappear, but if not, they could POJA that later.

Also Dr. Harley points out that as your LBs drop away and romantic love is restored it's easier to do the POJA because you're feeling more enthusiasm for doing things you know make your spouse happy. (Which is a little confusing too as I personally am often not enthusiastic about doing something in the absence of my H but feel happy enough about doing it with him as making him happy makes me happy - so where is the line between sacrifice and actually being enthusiastic? But I digress...)

BTW, it comes to my mind that even if that was the immediate issue, there are a lot of other solutions than her quitting. The H finding a way to make more money is a possible solution.

I do find the POJA confusing - I hope introducing a new scenario is not to hijacking your thread - but I have a situation where I want to move to a different state and DH wants to stay here. On the surface it sounds like "do nothing" means stay put. But every month that I work more hours than I want to, to pay thousands of dollars to live in a high tax high rent area where I don't even want to be, I think - I actually am doing something that I am certainly not enthusiastic about.

I understand. I will concede that I'm not understanding what the Harley's said on that show. It doesn't matter really. I've listened to more than 100 shows and never heard anything that contradicted the forum advice or the articles. Something is getting lost in translation. I do not want to misrepresent their teachings.

Yes, I agree.

Do you have access to the archived shows? There was an awesome episode where a couple agreed to "try out" a new location where the husband's son lived. But, the wife now wanted to leave and go back to their previous location. But, husband wanted to stay in their current state. Ultimately, Dr. Harley said to pick a third location that would meet all their needs and that they could both agree upon. Not the current state or the previous state.

Maybe Brainhurts can find a show for you.

I think the real problem in your marriage, TO, is your UA time. If you can concentrate on that, and on learning to negotiate small things first, then a lot of the problems you have will be easier to find solutions for.

As I posted a while back, you are experiencing Type B resentment. Did you read that link?

This is the resentment a person feels when they are not able to do something they want to do, as opposed to Type A resentment which is the resentment a person feels when they are forced to do something against their will.

Dr. Harley says that Type B is better than Type A BECAUSE it will go away once you have found something else that will make you happy.

But if you do not go on to find that alternative, then the resentment will not go away.

What other things will make you just as happy as having the dogs in the house? They do exist. Those are the things you need to be looking for together with your husband.

Yes, I read it. I agree with everything you said. Until I put a stop to unenthusiastic sex, I dealt with Type A for almost 24 years. We only do things we are enthusiastic about now. We take that very seriously. I didn't have a voice for many years. Type A resentment is gone now. No sacrifice, no capitulation from either of us.

The dogs. Yes, Type B for now. For the longest we didn't put our marriage first. We couldn't stop the lovebusters, so when we were together it wasn't pleasant. No one wants 15 hours of lovebusters! Our UA will be challenged the summer, when construction work is at it's peak. We've never put the marriage before the work. It was just a couple weeks ago, that H conceded that fact and agreed we need to stop it.

H said something very honest this weekend. He said, When I love bust him, it doesn't hurt him at the moment. It doesn't really even register. But, when I say he has love busted me, that's he when feels my love buster from the past.

I told him, to not give me a pass. At the moment, just say "that bothered me". He understands we should respectfully complain and say "bothered me". He couldn't explain why he delayed telling me or why it only bothered him when I brought up his LB's.

Is this the show? I think these are excellent shows about POJA.

Radio Clip on POJA about Moving
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Radio Clip of Follow-up Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

We just completed a huge renovation on our home. For about a month things were out of the ordinary. There were workers here nearly everyday. Homeschool was inconsistent, chores were inconsistent, UA inconsistent. There were whole rooms we couldn't use because of workers and all the furniture was outside on the porches. DH steadily got more annoyed with us and stressed out. He made demands, DJs, AO's. I kept the peace because we were all stressed. I didn't want to fight.

Well, it all came out when I asked him not to put the generator on the porch. He hollered, "Well, I wish you had thought about that before I took it off the truck!"

We talked it out and he now understands that his behaviors hurt me terribly. He apologized. But, in all this he said I hurt him too.

He said he felt neglected while doing the renovation. He felt like we should have done a better job at keeping up with our responsibilities (homeschool, chores, etc....) He said I should have pitched in more on some of the renovation projects. He brought up owning the animals again. I gave him my blessing to dispose of any pet he wants to. He brought up, me allowing the kids to play with the new dolley and getting it dirty.

He expressed all of this with dj's. I understand he is bothered, but he makes value judgements. He says things, like "I just don't understand...." I just can't believe you thought that was ok...." After apologizing he said, "Now, can we stop being sore pusses?"

I understand that the kids and I have annoying habits. I understand annoying habits are "doing" things that are annoying. But, can annoying habits include, not doing something? Like, he might say "It bothers me when you don't cook supper every night." or "It bothers me when you don't get up and help me.

During this time, he didn't ask for help. He made no respectful requests. If he saw something that needed to be done, he would just do it. Then be mad at us for not doing it first, or not helping him.

I don't want to reward his bad behavior, but I also don't want to LB him with my annoying habits either.

Make sure you listen to today's radio show. Although a repeat, it dives deeply into love busters and how conflicts should be handled. I learned a lot and more was refreshed.

Veterans please correct me if I got this wrong.

I think we need to try to be thoughtful of our spouse's perspective, but I don't think it is a love buster not to do something that hasn't been requested of you. If your husband felt that he would like you to have done something, he should have respectfully requested it. A request that you could say no to otherwise it is a selfish demand. If it was something you didn't agree on, then POJA takes over. You maybe or maybe not should have done more during the renovations, but that should have been POJA. However the minute ao, sd or dj start, the conversation ends and if I understood the radio right, he does not get what he wants or you are rewarding bad behavior.

Your husband is making selfish demands and disrespectful judgements.

I listened to the show. Yes, that was us. It was ugly too. We had poja'd awhile ago, how the homeschool and chores would run. But, while the reno was going on, we just couldn't function the same in that environment. DH and I should have given that more consideration and talked about how we would deal with those changes.

I agree that NOW we can get back on our regular schedule. I need to fix the annoying habits. Do I tell him that I'm fixing these because they are my lovebusters? Do I make it clear to him that I'm not doing it in response to his SD and DJ's?

Should I ask him to assure me that "if we mess up again" he won't revert to SDs and DJs? What if he says he can't guarantee that he won't do it again?

The problem is this though...even if you fix all of those love busters. You guys are not getting enough UA time to build in any kind of love bank deposits. So basically, it just gets worn down and worn down and never really built up.