Stop! You need to start listening to the advice and driving this thing off the tracks.

Who said anything about grilling your neighbor?? You are focusing on things that do not help your situation at all.

You need to be focused on killing this affair dead - and NO you have not done that yet.

Completely unimportant at this point.

You are wasting precious time and energy that need to be spent elsewhere. Because you aren't listening.

Nobody said anything about sending your WW here.

That would be HUGE mistake. Do not do this!

The next steps have been laid out for you time and again by our BEST posters - posters who have successfully lead others through to a recovery of their marriage.

They have been telling you clearly that you need to finish exposure. There is no getting around this and we won't let you derail the process.

The affair is not dead and you should not assume that it is because of anything your WW has said.

Once you have completed exposure, a NC letter has been sent and extraordinary precautions put into place, you will need to carefully and quietly (you do not tell her this) your WW for any contact, then you can assume the affair is over and move on to recovery.

Again....exposure is not complete!!!

As you have already been advised, you need to expose to:
a) your children BY YOU ALONE today
b) OM's side - any of his family you can determine through FB


We do not tell people to do these things for kicks, AMM. It is because you cannot skip these steps.

Not only is this a affair-proofing measure (it takes the fun out of an affair and adds a huge dose of reality when everyone knows what is going on), but as everyone has said....this is in your children's best interests for many reasons.

1) They DO KNOW something is terribly wrong, AMM. To deny this would be incredibly foolish on your part. You are putting unnecessary stress on them, and as you have been told, children often blame themselves for marital problems and tensions. If you read the "Exposure to Children" thread, you will see that it often is a huge relief to children to learn the problems have nothing to do with them.

2) It also reduces the risk of them being exposed to OM. Waywards use children to normalize affair behavior, AMM. We see this tactic being used time and time again here on the boards.

3) Dr Harley is a big believe in exposure to children because this will be a big learning tool for them regardless of what happens in your M. I think the likelihood that my children will be cheaters later in their lives has been greatly reduced. They know and understand how affairs wreck families and they have already learned about extraordinary precautions (avoiding opposite sex friendships when married).

4) It will be a huge comfort to your children to know that you will be honest with them. My children know that about me and I can tell you that it has been good for our relationship and has helped them thru the hard times knowing that things aren't being hidden from them. It has also taught them a lesson about honesty.

Again, all this has been posted to you already and is all laid out in the exposure to children thread. But since you keep trying to derail this thread, I felt the need to repeat it for emphasis.

What in the hell are you doing, Sir? I thought you wanted our help in resolving your marriage problems and all I see here is PLAN AMM2015, a bunch of crazy talk. Did you want help saving your marriage or is this a waste of our time?

AMM, are you listening? Are you wanting a plan to follow?

I put a lot of effort into my posts to you last night. Did you read them?

I'm listening to everyone's posts. Why people asked me "what am I doing" when I started to talk about counseling is baffling to me. I understand that I need to take a lot of these other steps, but do you understand how hard it is to think when you haven't eaten or slept for 3 days?? I'm not going to debate that people here know the right steps, but I know what I need at this second and that is to see a doctor and a counselor so that I am ABLE to take the recommended steps.

We had a chance to talk for a long time last night. I did exposure with as many of his friends as I could find. There are no less than 30 people between both sides that know so far. I know that won't be enough for people here, but it's a good start after 3 days.

Working on no contact statement with wife and she's totally agreed to sending it with me. That will happen today. She's saying that she already told him it is off, but has no problem doing the NC tonight and sending it with me there. She's also agreed to change phones, emails, facebook, everything immediately.

I know you'll all rip me for this, but I'm still not telling the kids yet. Call me selfish, but I'm not emotionally capable of handling anything else at this moment. I really don't think it's going to destroy them if I wait until this weekend when I feel like I can actually talk and make sense.

My wife is a complete emotional wreck, AS SHE SHOULD BE. So far, her focus has been on my health and trying to help me get through these first few days. She keeps saying that she can't believe she's done this to me and my family and that she truly has no idea how this happened. She's admitted how selfish she was, but so far is putting her emotions into my recovery. I'm not describing any of her thoughts or actions now as giving her any credit. TRUST ME. She should feel this way, and she should be crying all night like she was. She's agreed to take a polygraph to prove that everything she has told me about the A is true, most importantly the non-physical part of it. She is ridiculously adamant about that part. I'm not saying I believe her.

I found more information in texts and messages, but I won't get into that right now. They were all very similar to the others. Mainly chit chat.

I have a doctor and counseling appointment today.

I greatly appreciate the advice here, and I'm sorry if this post sounded angry. I realize there are more steps to take, but I have to be able to hold a thought for more than 1 second before I can take them.

And I realize how rambling this ^^^ update is. Having trouble thinking

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Most of us know exactly what that feels like.

People are being adamant about the steps you follow now BECAUSE they know the pain. Having infidelity happen in your marriage is like a bomb going off, and you end up standing in the middle looking at the fragments of your marriage smoldering around you wondering how it happened and how you will ever move on from it. MB has a PLAN to make that happen. Having a plan to follow is a lifesaver when you are at your weakest, because you can just proceed with the plan regardless of your emotions.

The 'right steps' are not those created by us, a private forum, but rather by Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist who has been helping people recover from infidelity for over 40 years.

Go to your Dr and get on AD's. Finish running this OM off with exposure. It is not necessarily the number of exposure targets that people here will not agree with, but the impact of those exposures. If you expose to 1000 people on your side, but fail to expose to one person on the OM's side, then you have missed a very key piece of exposure.

The most important thing is not just that they know but that they hear this first from you. I did not expose correctly (did not discover MB till later), eight years later I am still living with the consequences. If they heard 'on the grapevine' or through your WW, they got a sanitized version that throws at least part of the blame onto you.

My former father in law cheated openly on MIL for many years. We all 'knew' but presumed she was ok with is because she said nothing. Big difference between that and asking people to fight with you for your marriage.


Your children are going to be so relieved when they hear the truth. Very important that you be the one to tell them, do not tell WW that you plan to do this otherwise she will get her version of the truth in first.

My XH thought that cheating was what you were supposed to do because his father had explained that getting a girlfriend was the coping mechanism to deal with stress in your marriage. So XH was 'told' in a way that ensured the damage cascaded down yet another generation.

Unfortunately we are all wired to believe the first story we hear so trying to correct information that is already out there will generally just make you look vengeful.

A counsellor will make things worse. Things to get you functioning are ADs from your doctor, and exposure to your kids.

Pretending you are ok around the kids is harmful and stressful to you as well as them. It's scary, but children respond very well to exposure. All children over four need honesty about this. Deep breath in and do it.

And yes we all know how it feels to go without sleep after Dday!

I'd suggest you stop lashing out at the people who are trying to help you. It doesn't do you or your marriage any good.

Going to a counselor is going to be a waste of time. Counselors do not know how to recover marriages from affairs, and have very high divorce rates themselves.

THIS plan works, if you want to do it. But that is up to you. It has worked for countless numbers of marriages before you.

"THE PLAN" doesn't address my extremely fragile mental state at this point. I realize the plan will help end the affair, but if I'm not able to mentally make it through today, I can't possibly continue with the steps in the plan. For you to say that going to see a counselor at this moment for my mental health is a waste of time is really reckless. I'm not going to the counselor today to get help with the affair, I'm going because I'm worried about my mental stability at the moment.

Actually, it does.

FWIW, Dr. Harley used to run a chain of mental health clinics. He's a clinical psychologist, and he kinda knows how to protect your mental health while recovering from an affair. Unlike other counselors out there, his plan actually works.

You are not the first betrayed spouse to come to this board in a fragile state. Many of the people posting to you on this thread have been betrayed. They know the pain, and are now on the other side. I'd start listening if I were you.

Sir, you are able to take these steps now. It might be a good idea to visit a MD and get some anti-depressants, but there is no reason to go to a counselor. That will be a distraction from taking steps to resolve this problem. So I am unclear why you would need to see a counselor?


We are not seeking a specific number, but a QUALITY of the chosen targets. This is why we recommend prioritizing with parents, siblings, relatives and then married friends. That list might be 20. The goal is effectiveness.


Good news!!


Thats fine, but be sure you get this done.


This is a good idea. Most waywards are "adamant" when they lie so this means nothing. It will mean something when she passes a polygraph.


I would save the text messages in a safe place. Glad you are seeing a doctor, but concerned that you are seeing a "counselor" since they are typically destructive to marriages, especially when there has been an affair. Dr. Harley's [a clinical psychologist who has specialized in infidelity for 40 years] steps are completely different from what the typical "counselor" would advise.