Hi...this is Loving29's husband.

I feel there should be some things put in perspective.

Perhaps telling the other side of the story could shine some light on what seems a double standard to me.

1. The "affair" she post that I supposedly had. This consisted of clicking on "yes" on a facebook friend request, with a single communication...a response to an email saying, "No, I don't think we should be in communication". Not to mention this was about 20 yrs after any prior communication with the individual (none during our marriage). Emotional affair indeed.
As far as dbl standard, Loving29 is friends on FB with people she had intercourse with in high school. My opinion was never asked, and she doesn't see it as a problem for her -- just for me.

2. When she says I called her a c*** and hoped she would die (all true and regretful and apologized for), she neglects to mention that all I was doing was repeating her words verbatim (except she says d*** or a****** typically -- yes, she says this many a time). Btw, she doesn't apologize. When she says she wishes I would die on my home from work, it is because I am a d***. You see it is my fault when I do something wrong AND when she does something wrong.

3. There are many, many more examples. As far as her statements regarding if she should post or not...I never said she should or she shouldn't. I did ask that she post the whole truth and not a perverted version of the truth.

4. There are many more example. So, please take her posts with a grain of salt.

Have a nice day.

We will take your post with a grain of salt too. How do you like that?

This is one of the most disrespectful posts I have ever seen in my 14 years on this forum. If I were you, I would erase this post because it will not help your marriage ONE BIT if you dismiss everything your wife says.

It is not ok for her to dismiss your perspective and it is not ok for you to do this to her.

Instead of trying to set the record straight with a bunch of strangers on the internet, you should focus your time on eliminating disrespect and angry outbursts. You have a VERY big problem with disrespectful judgements -- have you read that chapter yet?

Do you want your wife to be in love with you? Because she will not be in love with you if you treat her so disrespectfully. What you did above is called a "disrespectful judgment" which is described as such:

here

Hi MelodyLane. Thank you for posting the information on DJs.

Yesterday following my post asking about POJA, H told me one of the biggest problems with the forum was the advice/answers of the moderators/posters. He specifically mentioned you as being awful.

I guess I find it interesting you replied to him. He has not told me if he read your post yet. Thank you for trying to help.

If you have any ideas on how I can fix my double standards, please let me know. I am thinking eliminating LB entirely will solve the issue?

If he has a problem with posters pointing out how he is abusing his wife, then your marriage is in serious, serious trouble. We don't coddle here. We point out the mistakes posters are making so that they can adjust their course and recover their marriage.

Write down his DJs and send them to your coach. Welcome him to do the same.

Loving29, it would best to stick to your own thread. You should be on your thread and your H on his. You should try and avoid reading each others threads, too, for now.

MelodyLane and many other posters here tell it like it is. They know MB backwards and forwards and have been a great help to many. They don't sugarcoat, and that's great, because if we wanted sugarcoating and pats on the backs, there are lots of other forums out there. But in my own personal search for help after my H's second affair, MB has the best guidance of all of them. Direct, to the point, and very very helpful.

[quote=LongWayFromHome]Loving29, it would best to stick to your own thread. You should be on your thread and your H on his. You should try and avoid reading each others threads, too, for now.

Thank you for the reply. This is the first time I have read that someone should only read their own thread. I will try to stick to my own writing/issues - I think it is a good idea....

Back to my original thread.

Notso, as long as you reserve the right to have an angry outburst at your wife for a perceived mistake, everything else is irrelevant.

NotSo,

I have been where you are, and I can tell you from experience that I am glad I learned how to make my wife happy instead of spending my time trying to fix her perspective and other people's perspectives. Ever since I changed my priorities on that, she is much happier, and therefore I am much happier.

Have you listened to the Marriage Builders Radio show?

I'm really not impressed that you signed up to set your wife straight, then disappeared.

Turns out, Prisca, I took your advice and decided that my wife's opinion is the one that matters rather than strangers on the internet. We have opened productive dialogue on how we both can eliminate Love Busters. And, happily, progress has been made in a positive, albeit slow, direction.

Take care!

So what are you doing to eliminate those disrespectful judgements?

So you've agreed that you do have a problem with anger?

There's not a lot of hope as long as either one of you holds to the rule that if the other one says something angry or disrespectful, it's okay to respond with anger or disrespect. You have got to be able to separate these out. When you say something angry, don't say that she is the cause of it. She may do or say something that frustrates you, but responding with angry language should not be an option.

NotSo,

Please come back and post to us so we can see your side and help you and your wife learn to stop fighting and have a happy marriage.

NotSo,

I saw your post to Dr. Harley, and I think it's great that you are posting to him! I wanted to mention that it's a little unrealistic to expect your wife to include your point of view in her posts. If she understood your point of view well enough to include it, you probably wouldn't be having such problems, right? It's up to you, not her, to participate and make sure her point of view is represented.

Also, I think it's unrealistic to expect Dr. Harley and Kim to be able to help you guys if you want your emails and communications concealed from them. If your emails hurt your wife, let her get whatever help she needs. Ask for LIGHT to be shined on what you are doing, so you can find out how you are hurting your wife and STOP.

ETA: by the way, it is not a violation of copyright for her to forward your emails.

markos,

Whether email is protected by copyright or not is a legal opinion that needs not be argued here (courts have found both ways), as it is beside the point.

The point is that I have asked (not demanded) Loving to not forward my emails. I have explained that I find it disrespectful and it is a LB to me. She has (as, it seems, have you), decided that it should't really by a LB and she should ignore my request.

If we are each free to decide that what the other feels is a LB is or is not truly a LB, I ask what is the point of the program? If I find the behavior distasteful and it hurts me, why is it that behavior should be continued? Is it reasonable for me to decide what Loving feels is a LB is not truly a LB? Of course not! Why, then, would the opposite be true?

I am not asking her not to email Kim. I am not asking her to not use these forums. I am asking that she not forward my email. Of course, she is free to do whatever makes her happy, even if it hurts/bothers me, but isn't that why we are here?

Also, I have asked her for feedback�verbal, via email, via text, however she would feel best giving feedback. However, she has refused to give me any feedback. So, in response to your wife (on my wife's thread), I have not refused to hear her complaints. If fact, I have pleaded for it.

Interestingly, Loving has asked for email correspondence for what I find to be LB behaviors. I tallied these for a week and emailed them to her (using the format that Prisca suggested to my wife). Loving promptly deleted the emails (twice) without reading.

What is missing on the forum, and I feel is missing from my wife, is the realization that I find her actions, words, demeanor, attitude, etc, just as distasteful as she finds mine.

I am happy to change behavior, I have pleaded for her guidance. What I refer to as "active" LB are easy to recognize..yelling, name calling etc. The "passive" LB are more difficult, as she/I are not aware we are doing them. A puppy will never realize its not okay to defecate in the house if it is never told it is wrong. Also, a puppy may not know what it is being scolded for if it is scolded after the fact. (Or respectfully pointed out that pooping in the house is a LB).

But, from my POV, actions like completely ignoring that I feel forwarding my email is a LB to me, and deleting without reading the list (that was requested no less!) of LB behavior, point to an unwillingness to truly participate in this program.

And if only one of us participates, then what is the point?

(btw, I have had plenty of email and phone correspondence with our coach).

As long as you continue to engage in demands, disrespect, and anger, your wife should have the right to get whatever help she feels is appropriate. There should be no privilege to keep your demands, disrespect, or anger secret. If you want to get help to stop acting this way, then invite professional scrutiny from Dr. Harley and Kim, and follow the advice they give you.

I am sure you do. I felt the same way about Prisca.

But we cannot help your wife change these behaviors, and Dr. Harley and Kim cannot help her change these behaviors, until YOU get on board with getting help to change yours.