No, keep saying nice things. But find something nice to say to her besides thanking her for cleaning the kitchen. Maybe what you are thanking her for is not something that she wants to feel appreciated for right now. I would suspect that she'd like to hear what you appreciate her for besides housework.

One last question�

How can we possibly have any UA time?

Nearly every word out of her mouth, just the way she sits, is a LB to me, and clearly vice versa for her.

And, sadly, I am not exagerrating.

I get that we are in a toxic, fragile place. How are we to be near each other at all?

Perhaps.

I am the one that usually cleans the kitchen (or the kids). That is why I said thanks.

UA time is probably not going to be successful until demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts are eliminated. But continue to schedule fifteen hours per week together to be alone and try anyway. Eventually you will be able to make it work.

The one thing I would add is to not demand UA time from your wife. UA time is mainly something that wives need more than husbands. If your demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts make UA time unpleasant enough for her, she won't be able to get the good that she needs from it, and she may have to suspend it for awhile. As long as she is willing, continue to schedule the time and make the attempt. But work very hard to avoid demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. That needs to be priority number one for now.

We struggled with UA time for a long time, and the reason was our continued demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts.

There's no need to beat yourself up over it. It makes perfect sense to say. But she didn't like it at the moment.

Be sure to note on this week's worksheet that the way she complained about it was a love buster.

In the future when she does a domestic support task that you usually do, she may feel better about you thanking her. Or she may not - she may never like that. For now, look for other positive things to say to her.

Alas,

I am the one feeling unwilling because of her AO, DJ, etc�I am very much not demanding it. And, sadly, would like to avoid it at all costs.

As I am sure she is, as well.

Unwilling to what? Clean the kitchen?

Cleaning the kitchen is probably a job she appreciates you doing, and it would probably be a good idea to keep doing it to show your care for her, if you can. If you have to stop, and she feels like now she has to do it, she may resent doing the job, and that may make her resent you thanking her for it.

Talking this over with my wife Prisca just now, who used to get upset with me for thanking her, she commented that when she did something that she felt she HAD to do, if I thanked her for it, it really rubbed her the wrong way. That may be what is happening here - suddenly deciding not to clean the kitchen left her feeling in the lurch, and thanking her for doing a task she felt was dumped on her may have rubbed her the wrong way.

Don't beat yourself up over it, but consider doing everything you can to make love bank deposits and avoid withdrawing them. Do what you can do to care for and help your wife and be a partner with her, and if there's something you can't do or don't feel like doing at the moment, be sure not to make it out to be her fault. Least said, soonest mended.

No..sorry for the misunderstanding. Guess I should figure out how to quote others.

I am the one unwilling to have any UA time because of her AO, DJ, etc. I would just assume never be any where near her at this point.

It makes sense that you would feel that way at this stage. I'm pretty sure Dr. Harley and Kim will encourage you to continue to schedule time for undivided attention and make the attempt.

Hey, NotSoAngry,

Apparently your username is wrong. Quit telling your wife to leave you - if you are unhappy, you leave. Quit calling your wife a liar - if you have a different perspective, you are welcome to come post it.

Contact Dr. Harley and get this situation straightened out!