NotSo, if Kim recommends that your wife forward emails to her, and you tell your wife not to do it, it is you who are not following the program and not cooperating with the professional help your marriage so desperately needs.

Just cooperate. It's easy, and it will help you so much.

You will never be able to make any headway getting the changes you need from your wife as long as you are unwilling to cooperate to get help.

What do my emails have to do with Loving cleaning up her side of the street and eliminating her LB behavior? I am not being facetious, but quite serious.

Shouldn't we both be trying to eliminate our LB behavior?

You imply the help I should be seeking is how to eliminate my LB behavior. I wholeheartedly agree.

Why then should she be seeking help on how to eliminate MY LB behavior, rather than her own?

thats the point. Kim has not told her to forward my emails. As per my direct communication with Kim.

What has Kim recommended that you do?

Your wife needs to get help getting your love busters eliminated because they are killing her, plain and simple. It's that serious. You are trying to limit the things she can do to get help, and as long as you are acting like that you aren't safe for her to be around.

This program can work but not if you try to limit what your wife is saying to Dr. Harley and Kim. If you truly want your wife to use this program to eliminate love busters, then show your good will by letting her have whatever private communication with Dr. Harley and Kim she thinks is necessary.

There are two problems, and neither of them can be solved when you blur them together.

One is her love busters.

One is your love busters.

In my experience, very little progress can be made on the wife's side until the husband gets really busy and far down the road of eliminating his love busters.

You want to hide your love busters from the coach, which is going to make all of this impossible.

If you are serious about eliminating your lovebusters, then welcome her to share them with your coach and Dr. Harley.

You work on you and your lovebusters. Let Kim handle your wife (she's good at that).

What are you doing to end your disrespectful judgments?

If you want her to share your perspective and not just her own, forwarding emails is actually a good way to do that. She is more likely to misrepresent what you said when she puts your thoughts in her own words than she is when she forwards your own words.

Let Dr. Harley and Kim judge your own words vs. what she says you said.

Not sure I agree 100%, but fair points. I am not trying to hide a thing.

Forward away!

What are you doing to end your disrespectful judgments?

In response to Loving29's thread so as not to hijack�

Not what I said.

I said telling me that I AM something (esp when I am not) is a DJ. Telling me I seem angry to her is perfectly ok.

Pretty sure it is unfair for either of us to tell the other one what that other person is feeling�we should only speak for ourselves.

Perhaps I am wrong. It doesn't feel disrespectful when told how it seems I am, feels very disrespectful to be told WHAT I am.

Perhaps someone can also help me understand?

Thanks!

An example of our communication, verbatim:

Me: "Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen."

K: "What the f*** is that supposed to mean?"

Markos,

Can you clue me in on what was wrong here?

Thanks!

My wife also got upset with me when I would thank her for things, when she was not feeling in love with me. Getting closer to her annoyed her. At the moment she doesn't want you thanking her, so don't do that for now. Maybe there are some other things you can express admiration to her for that she would like better.

The way she is complaining about it to you is disrespectful, so write it down on your weekly disrespectful judgments worksheet and give that sheet to Kim and your wife once a week. Don't fight with her about it; just pass the information that you felt disrespected by what she said.

My wife and I also coached with Kim. Kim told me that most couples are not able to handle complaining about love busters on the fly, at least not at first. So instead of telling each other these things right then and there, put them on the worksheets and exchange the worksheets once a week. Then, be sure not to fight about what is on the worksheets. The worksheets will tell each of you why the other is not happy.

As far as angry outbursts, talk to Dr. Harley about this, but Dr. Harley usually says that if your spouse feels you had an angry outburst, then you should accept that it was an angry outburst even if you remember it differently. I had such major anger issues that I ended up in anger management before our marriage got better. Following this rule from Dr. Harley helped me to end them and helped Prisca and me to stop fighting and learn how to have a good marriage.

ok�still a little confused.

Seems I just shouldn't speak at all?

Yes, but

If your wife feels you are angry, then it is a love buster, so she needs to tell you that so that you can learn what looks angry to her so that you can stop it.

If your wife says you are demanding, disrespectful, or angry, don't argue with her about whether you really feel that way or not. Take that information because it is extremely useful to you as far as what she feels is demanding, disrespectful, or angry.

To have a good marriage, you have to eliminate everything that your wife feels is demanding, disrespectful, or angry.

I understand that completely. If it is a LB to the recipient, it is a LB. No argument from me there at all.

This morning that she is referring to is different�we had ZERO interaction. I woke up and took the kids to school. Thats it. Not a word or action between the two of us.

From what I gather, saying mean things is a LB (duh), saying nice things is a LB (no more thank your), saying nothing is a LB.

Not sure what is left.

Thanks for the help.

There will be plenty for you guys to talk about when you've both eliminate demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts.

You will have plenty to say. You just need to filter out the demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts, and you need to avoid complaining to each other directly for now because your situation is so volatile. Prisca and I were the same way. Put your complaints on those weekly worksheets. It will stop the fights.

i can do that. Thanks.