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I am going to say that the desire to try to have kids is pretty fundamental to deciding to get married to a person. You were open about your feelings but she has changed her mind (or more likely was not honest about her feelings).
. With all due respect, if having kids is more important than the marriage, that is not a marriage that will last. People don't get married to have kids. Married people change their minds all the time. That is human nature.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML I got married because when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to give my baby a stable family. I don't think I am the only one!
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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ML I got married because when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to give my baby a stable family. I don't think I am the only one! How has that marriage worked out?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML I got married because when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to give my baby a stable family. I don't think I am the only one! That was the only reason?!!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I am going to say that the desire to try to have kids is pretty fundamental to deciding to get married to a person. You were open about your feelings but she has changed her mind (or more likely was not honest about her feelings).
. With all due respect, if having kids is more important than the marriage, that is not a marriage that will last. People don't get married to have kids. Married people change their minds all the time. That is human nature. I couldn't agree more with this. I think I only married my ex to have kids. His shortcomings were overlooked because I would get all my love and fulfilment from the kids. It's not until you are in a really great relationship that you see it would be enough, even without them. Are people supposed to divorce if they can't have them? Plus people should be free to change their mind.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I could go on and on with conditions that most of us assume of each other when we marry. But the conditions are rarely stated, except the one about having an affair -- in most wedding vows, we promise to be faithful (not that it does much good).
There are reasons not to state pre-conditions for marriage. The most important reason is that the marriage itself is considered to be more important than the expectations for marriage. In other words, when you marry, you agree to share your life with another person "for better or for worse." You agree to marry even if things don't turn out as good as you had hoped. That's why specific expectations, such as having sex, being affectionate, earning a living, or in your case, having children, are not usually stated in the vows.
In your case, you asked your husband if "he wanted children." I'm not sure you intended it to be a condition for marriage, or if he took it that way. Even if you had given him a legal document to sign committing himself to children, should you hold him to his agreement?
For your sake, for the sake of your unborn children, and for the sake of your husband, I advise you not to have children until you have your husband's enthusiastic agreement. I don't think you married him just to have children -- you married him because you loved him and wanted to share your life with him. Having children, like any other objective in life, makes sense only when you and your husband share enthusiasm for the objective, and want to carry it out together. Kids make a marriage harder. Affairs and divorce are much more common after the first child. How many people say 'I can't do UA time I'm busy with my kid?' It can be done, but usually only by couples who put their marriage BEFORE the kids.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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ML that marriage ended. And indie no that was not at all the only reason I was excited to get married, I was in love and I wanted our love to last. And of course I agree with your quote that many people marry because they want to be with that person.
But it is also a very common thing, maybe it's just more recently, that some folks marry because they want kids. And that they take risks in general, not saying OP did this, settling for someone that may not be good spouse material, because if nothing else at least they would get the kids they wanted. The OP says "Most of my friends and family are recommending divorce because we can't find a solution that works for both of us." So this journey is going to be all the more difficult for him, surrounded by folks who feel that way.
Thankfully though even situations like that can be turned around.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Oh I see - I agree it is common for people to marry sperm/egg donors and also split because kids don't appear. It just sounded in your first post like you agreed with them, rather than just pointing out it was common.
This is why divorce rates are so high. Not only because it's a deal breaker when people don't want kids - but the same type of people dont have time for each other if they do.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes A Baby In A Baby Carriage...
Nothing wrong with wanting to have kids - IMO, only after kids arrived a marriage turns into a family.
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Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting kids. But no one has said that. The point is that it should not be a condition of marriage. There are reasons not to state pre-conditions for marriage. The most important reason is that the marriage itself is considered to be more important than the expectations for marriage. In other words, when you marry, you agree to share your life with another person "for better or for worse." You agree to marry even if things don't turn out as good as you had hoped. That's why specific expectations, such as having sex, being affectionate, earning a living, or in your case, having children, are not usually stated in the vows.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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**edit**
Last edited by Denali; 03/28/15 11:15 AM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
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**edit**
Last edited by Denali; 03/28/15 11:15 AM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
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Maybe you don't understand the basis of the policy of joint agreement and that is that when desires change, decisions are re-negotiated. So even if she felt open to it before marriage, does not mean she is committed after marriage. That is not how marriage works. I am wondering why you are posting on this thread if you don't understand this program?
Last edited by Denali; 03/28/15 11:16 AM. Reason: removing quotes
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters understand Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform to share personal philosophies. Please take the time to familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting to those in need.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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- IMO, only after kids arrived a marriage turns into a family. Um....obviously.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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