Greetings, This is my 1st post.

I must say that before I found this site and Dr. Harley's work, I was without hope.

Here is my brief story.
Wife and I have been married 16 years. Last Friday I had confronted her and she finally had no answers to the questions I was asking. I had found concrete proof of her infidelity, lies and deception. After this, by my own means, I learned more and more. The information kept piling in. Turns out, She has been having a 4 year affair with a co worker. Now here is the part which probably puts my challenge upon another level. She is a flight attendant and the OM is of course, a pilot. They have been living a fantasy life, flying together to exotic places, and playing boyfriend & girlfriend on their travels, which usually last 4-5 days, 3 times a month.

I have reached out to the OM's spouse. She has told me that they are in the final stages of divorce and she knew all about my wife. She is fully interested in helping me and sharing info. My wife and I have not yet been able to sit down and talk (other than txt) because she was actually leaving for a trip to India when the confront and disclosure happened. We plan to talk tonight.

4 Year affair is a long time but I promised my kids that I would not stop fighting to keep our family together. I still love my wife even after the hell she has unleashed upon me and my children.

I'm just starting the process so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You,

Questions:
Is it a good Idea to ask her to read "Surviving an Affair" or "His/Her Needs" ??? (and if so which one)
Is it just to early to introduce the books?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

The first thing you need to do is expose your wife's affair. Have you done that? Please read this thread: Exposure 101

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

What on the above list has been done? What is left to do?

Thanks Prisca.

I have plans to do a full exposure but first I wanted to see where we stand and what she says tonight. If she tells me she cannot leave the OM, Then full exposure!

Nothing Yet. I have read the Book and am ready to follow the narrow path.

Should I introduce the book to her or is it too early?

CPK8, that plan will not work.
Exposure needs to be done regardless of what she says. If you do not expose, recovery will be impossible. It needs to be done quickly, and without warning.

If you haven't exposed yet and she's still in contact with OM, it's too early.

Okay. The first step is exposure.

You do Full Exposure regardless what she says.

Especially after a deeply entrenched 4 year long affair that will continue everytime she goes to work.

All she "May" do, is take steps to conceal her activities underground, but after this amount of time, and since you personally confirmed with the POSOM's BW, that their Divorce is being finalized, your WW will probably be expecting the POSOM just to move on with her exclusively. She may be in for a surprise, but that is probably where her hopes and fantasies lie.

EXPOSE!!!

And hit ALL of the workplace management without delay.

She must give up that job and lifestyle if there is Any hope.

You only read Surviving An Affair. It is Your Roadmap.

LTL

OK
Should I wait till she is on a trip? She leaves this week and I think it would have an even greater effect when she comes home to the exposure and its on her in all directions.

It would be a good idea to expose the affair after she leaves. I would certainly expose to her workplace also. Be sure and DO NOT give her any forewarning, though.

I would try and avoid any in depth conversation tonight. It will be like trying to discuss AA with a falling down drunk. Better to wait until you have exposed the affair and invoked some reality into fantasy land.

You do realize your marriage will never make it if she continues that job, right? After you expose the affair, that will have to be a condition of recovery. Otherwise, your marriage is over.

Thank you so much.

Is the loss of her job only to get away form the OM or the escape it provides? She currently has to commute into Newark. Could she change Airlines to a local? That would be the same as moving locations, would it not?

If she could change airlines AND get on daily flights where she is home every night, it would work. The key to recovery is ending the affair job and spending every night with you.

I would love that

I didn't do a good job of answering your question. The loss of her job is to a) get away from the OM and b) make it possible to recover your marriage. It was this job that was the environment that led to the affair, so having the same job somewhere else will have the same result. Affairs and divorces are epidemic in traveling jobs. In your case, the only way you can recover your marriage is to spend every night together.

I'm feeling its a long shot but I think I'm ready for the fight.
After reading the books it just seems so logical. But I know the fog is very thick, and having my wife find her way to the truth wont be easy. I am grateful for finding this site and you people.

First mistake is to put off exposure.

Second mistake and I do not hope you make this mistake is do not tell your WW that you plan on exposing her affair. Do not threaten or try to make any deals that if she gives up the OM you will not expose. Warning the WW will only allow her to take steps to reduce the effectiveness of the exposure.

You need to do a work place exposure as well. Expose the affair to the CEO, Director of HR, and the Board of Directors. State to them that you want to know that the affair took place during work hours and used work resources and what are they going to do to protect your WW, you, and your family from this affair.

Of course make sure you expose WW grandparents, parents, siblings, and your children. Then the same for the OM and OM's FB friends. Copy and past the OM's friends list incase you lose access.