My husband and I have been married for under a year. We sought a counselor prior to marriage to discuss his lack of sex drive. He claims he has a great drive, however he never teases me or flirts with me or discusses sex. He never initiates sex in the bedroom either. I had many boyfriends prior to this relationship and I am certain his drive is abnormally low. His low drive has affected myself, as I feel less sexy and less desirable. I am actually quite depressed these days. He will not get his testosterone checked either, I have asked him to do so. He says sex makes him nervous ***EDIT*** and that makes him lose interest. my problem is he only wants sex once every 3 months ***EDIT***. Or maybe his fear turns me off, I'm not sure. So, he gives up after 20 minutes of kissing and stimulation. 3 months ago, I asked him if he would like to divorce but he says no. He wants children but does not try to have sex with me. As of now, we have not had sex in 7 months. Any tips would be helpful.

By the way, we are both aged early 30s, thin, healthy and attractive people. I am skinny, petite and have been told am sexy in a cute kind of way. Also, the idea of initiating sex with him is a huge turn off for me, I can't get into the mood without a man appearing interested in me, it just crushes me. I tried wearing lingerie and initiating it ***EDIT***

My husband was a virgin when I met him and we had sex during our dating of 4 years, but he rarely seamed interested then either.

This is now 5 years total of little to no sex. I just feel lost and don't know where to turn for help, I really thought things would get better if I was patient but they aren't.

He swears he is not gay. I wonder if he is asexual?

Disappointed wife.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

The first thing you need to do is rule out porn use and an affair. Have you done any snooping?

He works from home, he admits to masterbating in the shower a few times a week. He admitted that after I asked for a divorce, so it wasn't something he wanted to tell me. he's definitely not having an affair. He doesn't watch porn, I'd hear it. I stay at home, too, as a homemaker. I don't have a job. He never leaves the house without me. We are like roommates, we sit on the couch together and watch tv and laugh, but he never shows any sexual interest in me at all.

Why is he masturbating in the shower? So you are NEVER away from him and he never has an opportunity to watch porn? How could you hear it if he turns the sound off?

So you are a homemaker with no kids?

Never mind. You already answered that.

What did the counselor say before you got married? Why did you move forward with the wedding? Did something change?

Masturbating several times a week will kill a man's sex drive for his wife, because masturbating is so much easier, quicker, and relieves his craving for sex without complication.

Will he agree to stop all his masturbation and have sex only with you?

It will take a couple of weeks to rewire his brain from a quick release to sex with you, but it can be done if he gives up his masturbation habit and turns only to you for sex.

Masturbation also usually results in very poor sexual performance. But this can be overcome as well once he ends his solo act.

Sometimes it helps a man to attend a sexual addiction group. My H joined one at a church many years ago when he had the habit, and it was very helpful for him. Many men dropped out, but he really learned a lot from it and became a much better partner.

Agree with everything that LongWay said. Except for this part:


Because of this:


He is more comfortable controlling the process by himself, than doing it with a real live person. Intimacy issues. This can be overcome, but it is a process.

He prefers something else to you. That something else has to be eliminated, and sex with you needs to be a consistent, positive, HABIT before the fear will go away. He deals with performance anxiety and maybe even anxiety in general. Plus, he may have low testosterone in addition. You have to rule things out one by one, if you care to.

Rarely does masturbation occur consistently without porn or at least fantasy. He's not telling you the whole truth.

This is most likely NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about him. Don't let his challenges determine your opinion of yourself.

Read this article about how Addiction to Pornography and the resulting masturbation destroys a couple's love life:

What to Do When Your Spouse Has an Addiction to Pornography

I know you said he doesn't view porn, but you don't really know this for sure. It's incredibly easy to access porn via phone. The article is about both porn AND masturbation.

Thank you for the comments. So much of my post was edited down to a point where things do not make sense. I will try to make this porn discussion as clean as possible, here goes:

Since his sexual past has been only viewing porn, I guess he thinks women are just born "ready" for sex, although most of us know that's not the case.
I have tried explaining to him many times that women need build up, emotionally as well as physically. But he gets frustrated when I am not "ready" after 20 minutes. It's so infrequent, I think my body is actually reacting to his ignoring me!

I read the article though it didn't help much. I wish we had sex twice a month as that article states! It's been 7 months now. I wish he had a desire for porn, at least he would have a desire at all.

We went to therapy by my insistence. It was two month's prior to getting married. He promised to "try" more as he put it. After 5 sessions, his insurance did not cover anymore. it didn't help much, the doctor told us to have sex and we didn't. But on our romantic honeymoon he never touched me. It's just sad. I stuck this out hoping it would get better.

I'm thinking divorce is the only option now. I mean, why masturbate if he wants kids? He wants kids more than I do. He even talks about kids to everyone. All our family asks us when we will have kids and I want to cry on the spot. I have to clench my fists and smile, I'm just dying inside.

Hon, he wouldn't be masturbating in the shower if he didn't have any desire at all. He DOES have desire, it's just easier for him to take care of it himself than it is to take the time with you.

Men who do not have sexual desire DO NOT MASTURBATE.

Have you complained to him that this is not working for you at all? You should be meeting each others needs in a way that you BOTH enjoy, which means, of course, that he needs to be making your enjoyment a priority.

But he must stop masturbating first. He may have had this habit for years, but he will need to stop it. Is he willing to work with you in ending his self-stimulation?

If you put spyware in place, you'll find porn.

It's very obvious from his actions that he has gotten used to the speed and pressure of self satisfying.

If it truly is the shower then tell him no more solo showers. You're going in that bathroom too.

You shouldn't be allowing him time to have fantasies about OW in an asexual marriage.

The time you're taking to respond to him.... No wonder! Do you feel desired? Cared for? Are these encounters happening after fun outdoor dates where you have hours to bond?

Unlikely.

I have brought up that I am unfulfilled about 2 times a year for the past five years. It is the only argument we have, and I am always the one to bring it up, which isn't fun for me. Neither of us enjoys confrontation, but it appears he hears my complaint, promises to attempt more intimicay, then he inevitably goes back to the same as before.

We have had very romantic dates that lead to nowhere, (also note, nothing happened on the honeymoon).
so for him, I guess, sex and intimacy are separate. I think he is satisfied just cuddling on the couch., i don't know why. For while, I had stopped cuddling, seeing if that would change things, that didn't work either.

I think I will have to start taking showers with him as suggested, that is really great advice, because if he has to shower with me, then he has to confront his issue head on. I am going to try this for sure.

Also, I cannot put spyware on his computers, (even if i had the password to his comp) he would notice it since he works as IT for a living. And i'm pretty sure he has anti-virus programs on there.

If the shower idea does not work, I will ask him to go to porn anonymous.

Also, he has finally (finally!) agreed to get his testosterone levels checked in the next month when he goes to the doctor for a local check up.

To quote him in our last fight, which was about 3 months ago, "I don't masturbate all the time, just the day before we try to conceive, so we have a better chance".

Well, I guess the showering together idea will at least let me see what's really going on.

Memorize this and repeat over and over to him:

"I am not willing have kids until and unless our sexual relationship is consistently fulfilling for BOTH of us."

DO NOT HAVE A BABY UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!!!

(I wish that somebody would have told me the same, when I was in your shoes, 20 years ago. Don't do it.)

He's satisfied with that because he is taking care of his sexual needs on his own, without you. It's easier.

My husband is a fantastic computer programmer, and I still managed to get spyware on his computer without his knowledge. You just need to look for a great one, like eblaster.

It alarms me that you do not have his passwords. That is a big red flag that he's up to something he doesn't want you to know about.

If you have kids, you are inviting a scenario where he will be very happy with you as the kids' nanny and his maid and cook, while he gets off to porn behind the scenes and then blames you for his lack of interest.

You NEED to put a keylogger on his computer. Of course, being in IT, he knows how to hide the porn. Don't ask him! Just do it.

I can't believe this is being brought up twice a year! This is something he is doing to himself far more regularly than that. Conflict avoidance just creates more conflict.

I was in a sexless marriage in which I avoided the discussion too because it was so unrewarding. Nothing happened afterwards.

The thing is, I wasn't willing to leave an unhappy marriage and he knew it. If I had been an MBer back then he would have known I was unimpressed and heading for the hills. However I wasn't willing to bring the issue to the boil. He was very happy and knew I wouldn't make him deal with my unhappiness more than a few times a year. So why would he change?

Probably if I'd implemented a separation back then I'd have gotten somewhere and we wouldn't have split up on the tenth anniversary due to his having an affair. However a young woman without children doesn't need to save the marriage if her husband is wedded to independent behaviour because there are lots of men out there who can put you first.

BTDT with the honeymoon. Got lots of hugs and brotherly kisses on the forehead though.

He really sounds like a porn user. If most of his sexual experiences are with women who have a degraded, disposable image - that's what gets his sexual response. It's divorced from intimacy like you say.

If you can find it, eliminate it - his sex drive goes to you. But don't settle for any old crumbs. It has to be loving, attentive, soulful sex with dates as a prerequisite.

The dates are for your sexual response! Not his! You are the one in need of wooing not him. He has a steady supply of testosterone (he does) and so long as his sexual interests become more stringently faithful, he will find you urgently attractive without any help.