I very much like the MB concepts and have read His Needs, Her Needs (my husband has read it too). I've read quite a lot around the site and boards as well. It seems to me that the successful application of what can be learned here needs both spouses to be willing to work on it. My question is, what do you do when one spouse is so emotionally avoidant that they will not communicate at all? Where one spouse's need to communicate is their number one need and the other spouse's need is to just go along to get along and you do not talk about anything except how wonderful things are?

Welcome to MB!

First I caution you against using terms like "emotionally avoidant" to describe your spouse. I'm sure you don't mean to, but this is a disrespectful judgment. Also, you say that the only apparent reason for your husband to have conversations with you is to "go along to get along." This is another DJ. You might be frustrated with how the need is being met at this point, but this kind of thinking will only cause your H to meet your need less, not more.

Is it true that you only talk about how wonderful things are? You don't discuss other topics as well?

The EN of conversation should be met in a way that both spouses enjoy. Since you have the greater need for conversation, do all you can to make the conversation enjoyable for your husband, since he has the lower need.

Many couples have this dilemma and many have successfully learned to overcome it. What topics does your H like to discuss that are also enjoyable to you? Do you both keep your conversations pleasant? He can learn to have a curiosity about what you are thinking. Friday's radio show discussed this a bit in the last segment or two. It will play all weekend up till Monday noon, so you can listen to it and see what you think.

When you and your H talk during your UA time, do you both look at each other and avoid distractions like cell phones and computers?

Do you spend 15 hours a week together out of the house on dates? How long married? Children?

Thank you for your response. I will look up and find the radio segments you mention.

I should clarify that 'go along to get along' means to me that my husband would rather pretend that issues don't exist. There does not need to be conflict, just a civil discussion. If there has been conflict, it is low key and because the discussion is being avoided for too long.

We do discuss other topics. We discuss work, children, day to day matters. I have a need for more philosophical conversations at times. Sometimes I have got that need for deeper conversation met elsewhere (friends). Early in our relationship we would have those conversations together. Conversations have generally been positive but I can admit that sometimes my frustration with not being heard has started to show. One time my husband did get angry and it made my day because he was at least responding in some way.

When we spend time together we do normally avoid outside distractions. Our time together is usually in the house. I think we are both ok with that. We would spend 2-3 hours each evening, more on weekends, being together. I think this time is going well.

We have been married for 22 years. We have children, the youngest is 10. These issues have only come into focus in the last five years and it is me that has tried to change things. With the children getting older and a change in work arrangements, I looked forward to getting back to a deeper connection and pushed for that. Sometimes I wish I had just left well enough alone. Everything is the same as it was before I tried to change things and I could have avoided the unsettled period in between by not rocking the boat.

Your comments on DJs are noted and taken on board. I will try to avoid that.

Generally, our marriage is good. We're doing very well on some fronts and my husband is a wonderful man who I am very lucky to have. I'm sure he has needs I could do better meeting. I have no idea what those needs would be because he would never tell me and would be happy to just settle for things as they are. My approach in recent months has been to enjoy the good and leave the rest. Maybe good enough is enough. I wish I had accepted that five years ago.

Hi Momk, welcome to Marriage Builders. How often do you get out of the house on dates?

Since you have a need for conversation, it is extremely important that your conversions are enjoyable for you BOTH. It must be pleasant and enjoyable for him too. I know that my husband does not enjoy deep philosophical conversations so if I want him to enjoy being with me, I need to avoid that. Here is a really good article that explains how to have to good conversations: What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant

The fact that your husband got angry indicates he sure doesn't enjoy your conversations, so I would rethink that strategy. If you want him to have conversations with you, he needs to enjoy them.

Undivided attention time is extremely important to marriages because that is how romantic love is created and sustained. Couples that don't spend 15+ hours per week of UA time eventually fall out of love. Dr. Harley recommends 4 - 4 hour dates out of the house meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment. UA time spent at home is lousy and achieves little because there are so many distractions at home.

Do you mean that when you bring up an issue, your husband ignores it and seems to be hoping that it will just go away? Or do you mean that your husband feels that there are issues but doesn't bring them up?

Melody - we get out of the house on dates maybe twice a month when I have a sitter available. This week we had two hours one afternoon and we are having 4-5 hours tomorrow. That would be unusual though. We would more often have an outing twice a month for shorter times or sometimes we manage to get a whole day (7 hours) to go hiking together. I will read your link when I have posted this.

markos - if I bring up an issue my husband will not engage. He does not bring up issues. He pretends they don't exist (a strategy that has cost him family and friend relationships). He will shut down a conversation before it can even start. He will never initiate a conversation himself. Is there something specific he would like to be different? I'm sure there is. It would make my day if he would start that conversation.

I should add that the catalyst for my push for change came after my husband broke a promise that I perceived as major and wouldn't acknowledge my hurt at all. He got angry when I tried to communicate to him how I was feeling (no expectation he would enjoy that conversation). This event, and more especially the lack of support afterwards, changed my approach to my marriage. I now insist on steps being in place to ensure promises will be kept and advocate for my own needs more. I don't think this is unreasonable but it did rock the boat.

I do accept that I am the one who has changed, he hasn't.

I sometimes find myself thinking about finding somewhere I can meet my needs without relying on my husband, like in an interest group. I don't think it's fair to expect my husband to meet every need I have. For example, if I join the local women's garden club I will make connections that will provide conversation. By conversing with a wider group of people, there will be less demand made of my husband for conversation. I will find satisfaction in those connections but it will impact our time together. There must be a balance that can be achieved in there somewhere.

This is where I would begin. Since you can't create an integrated, romantic marriage without this step, this will be your greatest step in turning your marriage around. And you will find it changes things quickly and effectively.

Dr Harley recommends sitting down every Sunday afternoon and planning out 4 dates for the week and setting up babysitters. Here is the form that we use: UA worksheet.


How would you rate yourself on the scale of love busters? Are you disrespectful? Angry? Judgemental? How would you rate him?

Are you a pleasant and enjoyable conversationalist? Focusing on being as pleasant and interesting as possible is something that helped my H and I greatly. At the end of our dates one of us typically asks "was I very pleasant tonight?" We still do this, but in the beginning we did it to give each other feedback. This is how we learned to be as enjoyable as possible.


Mom, this misses the point of emotional needs in the context we mean. Emotional needs are not needs such as air and water, they are the needs that must be met to create romantic love. So obviously, having conversation with women will not create romantic love with your husband. Nothing wrong with having female friends, but it will never create romantic love in your marriage. If you want to have a great marriage, your husband will need to learn to meet that need in your marriage. No female friend can achieve that goal for your marriage.

I will give some thought as to how I can organize more UA time. We're now up to three outings this week. The past week I've seen my husband make a bit more effort to spend time together. That is appreciated.

On the scale of love busters, I've been purposefully aware of myself today. I've made sure I kept all the conversation pleasant and lite. We had a very nice afternoon spending time together and it felt good to talk. We were heading for a very nice evening. But we did hit a bump later when he set up an appointment that interfered with something else we had planned this week. I told him I am disappointed by this and he's now gone to watch TV. All that good work undone. I know I could have said nothing.

It can be difficult to know where I am with love busters. In the present point in time, I don't think I am doing too badly but I think it would be good if going forward I try to be aware of love busters in what I put into the relationship, to make sure I'm encouraging positive interactions. It's not something I've made an effort to be conscious of and that would be a good idea so I can get a picture of how things look from my husband's viewpoint.

I think asking myself 'was I pleasant tonight' is a good method of measuring how things are going. It's probably a good practice in all relationships we have. So was I pleasant today? Yes, I think I was when we were spending time together. Maybe I could have not expressed disappointment over the other issue (I said I'd have preferred it if it hadn't interfered with the other event). That would have been more pleasant for my husband but would still have been a love buster for me.

I think my 'project' for the next month is to work on creating more space for UA and making sure things stay pleasant and lite.

Good! Getting over 15 hours is critically important because after a few weeks you won't want to miss that time together and it won't be an effort. IF you just do it halfway, you will never want to do it because you will never exceed the love bank threshold. You will soon come to the conclusion that this exercise was for naught.


That is good that you told him you were disappointed. It would have only been a love buster if you did it in a disrespectful way. You are supposed to tell him when you are unhappy. Do you have the book Lovebusters? If not, I would get that and read it together and do the lessons.

Complaining in marriage is a good thing, not a bad thing. But it must be done respectfully: Complaining in Marriage


This will make the greatest and fastest difference in your marriage. But be sure and read Lovebusters so you know what they are. You should both read the book and do the lessons in the back.

There are some great articles here by Dr. Harley about the importance of complaints in marriage. I would suggest you see if he will read them. If he will not, we can give you some additional suggestions to get him engaged and suggestions for how you can respond.

You should give these a read yourself:

How to Make Your Wife Happy

Why Women Leave Men

When should you tell your spouse, "We have a problem."

The title of the next one will throw you for a loop. But give it a read and I'm sure you'll find that you would like for your husband to read it and pay attention to it:
How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife

By the way, I would be very careful to word things in a way that doesn't dismiss your husband's perspective. If your husband is like most men, to him, the problems don't exist. He's not pretending - he doesn't think these things are problems, and doesn't see why you should, either.

We need to get him to pay attention to your problems and take them very seriously (i.e., do something about them). But it's also important to make sure you aren't explaining his thinking in a way that he would find disrespectful. Be careful not to talk as if your perspective is right ("the problems exist") and his is wrong ("you're pretending we don't have problems!")

Markos - one thing I know I'm not doing is dismissing my husband's perspective or seeing problems where he doesn't. I really want to hear his perspectives. If he shared his perspectives, I doubt I'd be here. If an issue is staring us blatantly in the face, he will walk away rather than face it, he will go to sleep without a word rather than acknowledge it. He will do anything he can to avoid it. The effect of this approach is that what could be a minor, quickly dealt with issue grows into a much bigger issue.

I must do things he doesn't like too. I could name one issue I'm sure he would like to be different. I wish he would bring it up. But this thread isn't really about who does what wrong. I could provide a much longer list of what he does well as a husband. It's about communication and resistance to it that I am encountering as a problem. No doubt my husband would say he experiences my wanting to communicate and resolve things as a problem. We have very different needs there. In fact, re-reading this post makes me feel like maybe I'm creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one.

I have read the articles you suggested before but have read them again today. It is likely my husband has read them. He has read books, articles, websites. He's seen MB. He might make an effort for a few days and then nothing is different. If I sent the links to my husband he would take it as criticism. Sending him that sort of thing is a love buster for him.

Melody - I will get hold of the Lovebusters book. I haven't read that one yet.

So my plan for now is:
Work on UA time.
Keep things pleasant and lite.
Read Lovebusters.

[u][/u]

I would like to address your concern that sharing information with your husband would be considered a love buster.
I have not followed your thread and am not familiar with your case.
However, as a general rule, Dr. Harley encourages an unhappy spouse to complain and make respectful requests. Doing so is not a Love Buster.

In fact, it is necessary to complain in marriage in order to identify and resolve problems. If you have a complaint or suggestion, make a respectful request that he read the article. Don't make a demand (which IS a Love Buster).

In a mutually caring relationship, we listen to the respectful requests of our spouse.

Thank you jedi_knight. I know on the basis of past experience that he experiences sending him information as a love buster. If I complain (respectfully or not) that is also a love buster and I end up feeling bad about complaining, no matter how legitimate my complaint. I don't see it that way. If he sent me something I would think it was a positive sign that he wants us to grow our marriage. If I send it, he takes it as criticism. He is hyper-sensitive to criticism to the point he can see compliments as criticism and will hear what is not said rather than what is said. (That's a general thing rather than just a marriage thing).

Maybe we're as bad as each other. I want to talk, he doesn't like that. He doesn't want to talk, I don't like that.

MOM, complaints are an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. A complaint is like getting an NSF notice from the bank. Most people don't like getting them, but the alternative is much worse. Somehow, this must be explained to your husband. You might print out the article I posted and show him. Another great resource is Dr Harley on the radio show. If you send him an email he will help you get through to your husband.

In addition to the other's advice.

The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

MOM, just because he doesn't like something doesn't mean it is a love buster. This is why I suggested reading Lovebusters so you will know a love buster really is.

No, complaining is not a Love Buster. Dr. Harley invented the term Love Buster and says that it is not a Love Buster. Nobody much likes complaining, but there are no good alternatives - the complaints have to be made.

Dr. Harley says he doesn't like it when Joyce complains, but he listens and responds because it has to be done; there are no good alternatives.

You need to tell your husband that you are not going to stop complaining because you need for the problems that you are bringing to him to be solved.

This is not a good plan, because it is all you. Marriage Builders does not work when it is only the wife doing it, and there is very little hope that a wife's effort alone will get her husband on board with the plan.

By all means have 15 enjoyable lite pleasant entertaining hours with him each week, but do not hide your complaints. You need to bring your problems up and get them on the front burner and tell your husband that you are going to have to have these complaints addressed or you will not be able to be happy with your marriage.

But it is not a criticism.

If you will raise your issues repeatedly, there is a good chance that eventually he will become desensitized and able to think about the problems rationally and not emotionally, and solve them with you. That is why you need to keep the problems on the front burner.

Don't try to do Marriage Builders just from your end. That does not work. It's important to make a big deal about it sooner rather than later.