He has the letter. What I described happened in the talk following giving it.

I reread the when to call it quits article this morning. After the talk, I see three options. 1. Plan A sweetly (hard when I find it hard to be the one taking action again). 2. Leave the ball in his court and see what he does. 3. There is a third option that would make it easier to give 1 a willing go but, for my husband's privacy, I won't post it here.

This first step may solve your problem. Your husband may respond positively to your request, and the issue of unconditional love may not become a factor in his thinking. What I�m recommending is a focused appeal. Instead of just asking him to read a book, you�re asking him to fill out a questionnaire that will help you understand each other better. Then, the book will help you solve any problems that come to light after reading each other�s answers. It might work.

But if your husband refuses to accept your offer, the next step I recommend is very controversial, but when you compare it to the alternatives, it makes the most sense. It has two parts. I call one part plan A, and the other plan B. These two parts are to be executed sequentially�plan A is first, followed by plan B.

Plan A is to give your husband �unconditional love� for a brief period of time, usually a month. I know. I�ve just written two columns that warn against unconditional love. But I�ve never been opposed to its use if it�s intended to prime the pump. One spouse can�t save a marriage, but one spouse can often set an example that the other spouse will sometimes follow. Plan A is to avoid all Love Busters, and to meet the other spouse�s emotional needs without expecting anything in return immediately. But it also involves communicating the importance of reciprocity. Along with being an angel, you also explain that you expect your needs to eventually be met, too.

But before you begin plan A, prepare for plan B, which is to completely separate from your husband. You can�t simply move out of the bedroom. You must move from the house, or have him move. If you live in a state that supports legal separation, go to the trouble to see an attorney so that all financial and legal arrangements are made in advance. Be sure that you can support yourself for an extended period of time, such as a year.

The first step, as I mentioned earlier, should be to express your need clearly without demands, disrespect, or anger. Invite your husband to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire with you that can be copied from the Questionnaires section of the Marriage Builders� website. After you have each described your most important emotional needs, the book ,�His Needs, Her Needs,� will help you learn to meet those needs for each other. The accompanying workbook, �Five Steps to Romantic Love,� provides worksheets that will help you both implement a plan to turn need-fulfilling behavior into habits.

This first step may solve your problem. Your husband may respond positively to your request, and the issue of unconditional love may not become a factor in his thinking. What I�m recommending is a focused appeal. Instead of just asking him to read a book, you�re asking him to fill out a questionnaire that will help you understand each other better. Then, the book will help you solve any problems that come to light after reading each other�s answers. It might work.

That is where we are at. I'm just considering whether that is enough without adding a preliminary step that will enable my husband to meet my needs. Although it might look it, I don't think he is just being lazy. I believe he does want to. I'm not sure he can without an additional support factor for him. Not at least discussing that with him might not be fair to either of us in this process.