I am a BS of extreme emotional infidelity.

My WS has come clean about his emotions toward the OW. OW predates me and us (WS and I have been together 16 years, married for 7). I always knew she was a close friend (again that predated me) and my WS was very clear from the get go he would not give up any friends. I never thought it to be a problem - I vaguely knew her and was aware of her. He spent minimal amounts of time with her - she is physically 9 hours away.

However, now she is dying (long story) and while I have understood that my WS is upset and wants to do everything in his power to be with her, I have had to draw the line at some things for our marriage.

WS has said that he wants to honor his commitment to love me and do what he needs to do to take care of me so when he leaves it will not be as devastating. He would like to live separately but in the same house while we resolve all our financials together (most of the detrimental financials are his doing and he admits it). This will take at minimum 1 year. And then he has said he would like to move out and then he would file for divorce.

He tells me that he has been unhappy for a long time and that it is not about the OW. But considering all the time and energy and money he spends on her (his cry "She's dying!") and that I've known him a long time, it is very much about her right now.

Half of me wants to go to Plan A (This is all still new but not new to me if that makes sense) but the other half of me feels like it might cause more harm than good.

Exposure has happened and much of his family and friends just "want him to be happy" and haven't seen him as happy in a long time except when he brought OW around when he was home with them and if that is what he wants then they are all for it. Exposure to my family and friends has just made them angry with me for staying.

I want to fight for my marriage. I've devoured this website and some of the other "ones." (I've got all the books on order right now). I haven't seen a letter or a case where the OW predates the BS. Any threads or suggestions on how to proceed?

Sounds just like my WW. Unacceptable OS boundaries and you are correct to be drawing a line on what you tolerate.

Are you certain of the nature of her condition, since she is 9 hours away? Hate to say he'd lie about that but I've read crazier things and the fact that it's a long story makes me suspicious.

Plenty of APs are old friends or former lovers, it's very common. It probably makes this feel like an uphill battle for you since he knew her first, but it's pretty textbook for waywards.

Hi Jennifer,

Dying or not, this woman is a huge threat to your marriage (and always has been, you just didn't know it).

The veteran posters will tell you your options, but Plan B (plus exposure to her family if that hasn't been done) is probably in order. There is no reason to live "together but separate" other than to have the security of you while carrying out his affair.

I have to say that the fact that she is dying is going to garner her sympathy, which is unfortunate, because no matter what she is going through, it's no excuse for the pain she is inflicting on you.

Sounds like he has a lot of enablers around him, unfortunately. You probably already know this but these people are weak minded and enemies of your marriage. I would limit my contact with them, you will only feel disrespected by them.

Thank you axslinger85 and PigletWiglet for the perspective. It has been a whirlwind of a few days dealing with this and I really appreciate it now that I've settled a bit.

Indeed. My WH has a similar circle of enablers. Definitely limit contact with them--even your in-laws if you have to. Those that are lukewarm and/or supportive in word only are just as bad as those who would support their affair outright.

Thank you PigletWiglet.

I am so grateful - I needed to hear/see from others who have been there.

Are you even sure she is dying?

1. She may have told him to draw him closer to her.
2. He may say so, to get you off his back.

If she is really dying (we all are, you know), she should want to have her peace with God and not wreck your marriage.

Happy heart - almost positive that her prognosis is terminal. But there are alternative treatments that WS is convinced he can help her with.

And yes, that is exactly what I have been thinking too - but gets clouded the more I am around him. I don't want to be the "evil" one for saying "false" things about a terminally ill woman who "needs support" but at the same time, I think that's the way it's going to have to be.

Waywards love to play the sympathy card for their AP. In fact, I think waywards are often drawn to an AP with a sob story of some sort, because it feeds their own ego and makes them feel like the AP "deserves" their attention in some way while the BS is "cruel" or "angry". I think it also makes them feel better about themselves, since they are "helping" someone.

I heard some of that crap about my wife's AP because his mother had died about a year ago when my wife and this man first started spending a lot of time together. She even told me at one point that I "should be praying for OM because his family is really going through a rough patch".

Sharing difficulties builds intimate conversation, and that makes love bank deposits, big time. Think of how many members of the opposite sex outside of your family you have shared your deepest struggles or hardships with, and you'll get the picture fast. I'm guessing that number is "very few" or "zero".

It's practically a recipe for starting affairs. It's no surprise that your husband is in love with this woman, he's been investing the intimate conversation into his relationship with her that should only exist in his relationship with you.

I would suggest that you verify with a 3rd party who is not a friend/family member of your husbands that this woman is actually dying or in dire straights health-wise. Because if she is, this A is going to be short-lived, no pun intended. But I suspect she is not, because this A makes no sense if she is about to croak.

My WW has told me some wild things. After reading this, I'm actually surprised she never tried to tell me that her OM was dying. I was accused of endangering the OM's children's lives by exposing to his supposedly insane wife. I believed it until vets on MB helped me realize it was crap.

I wouldn't be shocked at all if that woman is not dying. It sounds like a pretty good lie that a liar would never expect a good person to doubt. It's a lie that takes advantage of people's kindness....disgusting. You will probably be called awful things for doubting this woman's condition. If it is a lie, your WS will ramp up the defense if it comes under scrutiny.

Thank you again axslinger85.

Thank you face1.

I've already had some of that pressure but the worst part is hearing that WS no longer believes in God (since OW is so sick and dying) so he doesn't feel that the vows we took are even relevant anymore.

I do appreciate all the feedback - it can be difficult to be objective because obviously I love him and want to help him but I'm starting to see the light now. Thank you all for helping me do that.

Jenn,


Have you exposed? If so to whom?

Do you know about Plan B? It is a totally "dark" separation. If you have not started prepping for it, do so now.

At this point it doesn't really matter if she is on her deathbed or not, she is having an affair with your husband and you need to take action to kill the affair and separate yourself from the harm that this is doing you. You will be extremely physically and emotionally traumatized by living with an man in an active affair. Take it from me--I actually contracted whooping cough and had a seizure while I was living with him and knew about his affair. Not to mention the fact that I didn't eat, sleep or concentrate for months.

Hi Jennifer, welcome to Marriage Builders. Plan A should last for about 3 weeks before you separate and go into Plan B. Staying in Plan A will tear you down emotionally and physically. "Fighting for him" is not an effective tactic for a betrayed wife to employ because it only makes her look less attractive. It rarely works.

I would strongly suggest you find a way to separate asap, whether that means him moving out or you moving out. His idea of doing a pretend "separation" while living in the same house is ludicrous and will damage your mental health. It is pure selfishness on his part.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? i would download the book and read up on Plan B. In your case, the basic problem in your marriage is that your husband has a philosophy of marriage that will never sustain a marriage. He just doesn't believe in monogamy and has been having an emotional affair for years. I seriously doubt that will change and if you do stay with him, this will be your way of life.

He's going to USE you for a year. Do not agree to this.

The best chance your marriage has is for you to go to Plan B. I'd change the locks then pack his bags and leave them on the porch with a Plan B letter. Setting the bar high and informing him that you are not willing to live like this is the only chance your marriage has. And even if he doesn't decide to come back, you will be all set for a personal recovery.

Thanks everyone - I'm working on Plan B now (due to a rental house I can't change the locks and trying to move everything on my own at least in the next two days is seemingly difficult). Plan B will go into effect next week (I already had movers scheduled for both of us but now it is just for me).

I must admit, I didn't see the actual "Exposure" thread until after I somewhat (meaning I didn't send it off to everyone he knows but key people) exposed this current time around. (I've exposed about the emotional infidelity in the past to those who are important to both of us but got the same response "They are just friends - you have nothing to worry about.")

All these boards and places everywhere on the internet - you see support for one way and support for the other way. I think I might have blown my shot.

He's said he wants a separation and is an awful husband and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. While noble, I agree it just doesn't add up. Do I expose more or do I just work on me?

Downloading the book now - I can't wait for it to be delivered it seems.

Who did you expose to on OW's side?

And who on his side did you expose to? Parents? Siblings? Family? Friends?

I think this is a PA. A person doesn't leave his spouse because his childhood friend is dying. What is OW supposedly dying of? Your WH wanting a one year in-house separation is a crock. Is OW supposed to die before the year is up?

Welcome to MB

Hi BrainHurts - Thank you for the response.

I've exposed to his family and close friends and my family. I haven't gone to OW but I have the resources for her and her family (the whole she's sick and dying and her family is having a difficult time thing has held me back which typing it sounds silly but that's the truth).

Also, WS is convinced that he's the one who is going to save her. He "has to save her, I won't let her die" he says. (Lyme, Parasites in brain and in legs is what I've gotten.)

Hi BlackRaven - Thanks so much. I'm new to this - what is PA?

You should separate and go into Plan B. Did you read our posts? I think it is noble to "work on" yourself, but that is a distraction right now. Your life is in crisis and you need to get moved out.