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If you want to win your wife back, you will listen to the hard advice you are being given instead of throwing a fit and leaving.
Why are you upset when you say you want to change, and we are telling you how to change?
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Why did I ever think I could get help here?
I am getting her back, I will win her heart, will be a great husband, I will start changing, I will do anger management, I will prove to her I am different, and I won't give any credit to this unhelpful forum. I had seriously come for help. The help you were looking for today was your wife's new identity. You were looking for a way to get the wife that you THREATENED back, on your terms. You want her back NOW, regardless of how frightened she is. We would never give you help to get her back in that way. You've been given plenty of Marriage Builders advice on how to overcome your anger problem and how to win your wife back by permanently changing your behaviour. You chose not to listen to it and you are still trying to bypass it and get your wife back today. We're not going to help you abuse her any more. Stop acting like a big cry baby about how you can't get help from us.  You've been given MUCH help.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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If you want to win your wife back, you will listen to the hard advice you are being given instead of throwing a fit and leaving.
Why are you upset when you say you want to change, and we are telling you how to change? The only reason he is leaving, Prisca, is because he did not find out his wife's new identity! That was the only thing he came here for today!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Why did I ever think I could get help here?
I am getting her back, I will win her heart, will be a great husband, I will start changing, I will do anger management, I will prove to her I am different, and I won't give any credit to this unhelpful forum. I had seriously come for help. Dude we are giving you help if you will take it. We are giving you an outsider's perspective which you DESPERATELY need right now, and we are giving you insight into how your wife (who is rightfully scared to death) probably feels about you right now. It's to help you understand how serious this is now. You messed up, big time. It only takes a few words to destroy something when they are the sort of words you chose to use. If you want to write us all off, good luck to you. I give you a snowball's chance in hell until you start taking this more seriously. The only reason I even took the time to post here is because I'd rather you not wander blindly down the road to divorce (and probably a protective order) which is the road your actions have put you on.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Why don't you call Dr. Harley then? The opinion of this board is obviously not what you were looking for.
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Why don't you call Dr. Harley then? The opinion of this board is obviously not what you were looking for. ARe you suggesting he will get a different answer from Dr Harley? I know when I am in the wrong, I like to SHOP FOR OPINIONS until I find the desired answer. That is all that is happening here. He doesn't like what he is hearing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why don't you call Dr. Harley then? The opinion of this board is obviously not what you were looking for. I feel mildly insulted by that. The advice I gave was the advice I've heard Dr Harley give every single time, to a woman who has been threatened and frightened by her husband. The same is true for all posters to this thread. We are not giving our "opinions".
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Why did I ever think I could get help here?
I am getting her back, I will win her heart, will be a great husband, I will start changing, I will do anger management, I will prove to her I am different, and I won't give any credit to this unhelpful forum. I had seriously come for help. So you'll follow my suggestions, but they didn't help you?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you want to win your wife back, you will listen to the hard advice you are being given instead of throwing a fit and leaving.
Why are you upset when you say you want to change, and we are telling you how to change? The only reason he is leaving, Prisca, is because he did not find out his wife's new identity! That was the only thing he came here for today! Agree x 1000. It's a huge  that PC isn't asking for advice on how to get his AOs under control.
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I'm sorry. I reacted on one poster's harsh opinions with everyone else's helpful insight.
FYI, my wife just texted me, and is happy with me going to therapy and with me reading marriage builders concepts, and she is coming home as soon as I attend therapy and finish that book she left, so excuse me, I have some things to do. She also agreed to meet with me everyday at church until that is over.
I am planning to win her back, read and apply, from this day on, that is not a lie.
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I'm sorry. I reacted on one poster's harsh opinions with everyone else's helpful insight.
FYI, my wife just texted me, and is happy with me going to therapy and with me reading marriage builders concepts, and she is coming home as soon as I attend therapy and finish that book she left, so excuse me, I have some things to do. She also agreed to meet with me everyday at church until that is over.
I am planning to win her back, read and apply, from this day on, that is not a lie. What does Dr Harley say about AOs and how to get them under control? Do you know?
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I never read the book she gave me before. I haven't gone to therapy yet. I don't know, I just know I will do both things.
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I never read the book she gave me before. I haven't gone to therapy yet. I don't know, I just know I will do both things. It's amazing to me that you don't ASK! What do you think we are here for?? Big red flags should be going up for your wife.
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You can learn right now by reading the articles on this website. The answer is not hard to find.
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Wait a second, I broke into my own house, the one I am paying for. My ex husband is still paying for my house. Wish he wasn't but he wants to retain a stake in it for when it's sold. If he BROKE IN I would have the cops and so many male relatives over here. He gets his legal share of the house - he does not get to force himself on my presence by being an intruder. His house - not his home. Any more. Wait a second, I broke into my own house, the one I am paying for. Try this one again. What do you do when infidelity (and I think - if your story is true - that fake out emails and a fake FB affair just to hurt and manipulate might be WORSE than the average infidelity) and AOs forces your wife to separate? Do you a) break in and completely ignore her request or b) get to work on her conditions? All the things I said were out of place and out of anger, and obviously not true. I can't believe she would even believe so. I shouldn't have said so, but I did, but those were only words, nothing true. This is very poor reasoning. Words are one of the most effective ways to hurt someone. Even a stranger can be hurtful. It is SO much worse from the person who is supposed to love you. Choices in order of seriousness are: a) Telling her not to mind your words (because you're not done inflicting them) B) Telling her you want to stop using angry words or C) SHOW her you are NOT going to inflict any more anger on her by signing up to anger management and being willing to demonstrate 100pc calm over a period of time. WHEN she is ready to see you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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FYI, my wife just texted me, and is happy with me going to therapy and with me reading marriage builders concepts, and she is coming home as soon as I attend therapy and finish that book she left, so excuse me, I have some things to do. She also agreed to meet with me everyday at church until that is over. Honestly I think that's amistake for you as much as her. It takes time to cure the level of AO you have. The next one will kill your marriage. Dr H usually tells husbands like you to date his wife and conquer anger before moving back in.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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FYI, my wife just texted me, and is happy with me going to therapy and with me reading marriage builders concepts, and she is coming home as soon as I attend therapy and finish that book she left, so excuse me, I have some things to do. She also agreed to meet with me everyday at church until that is over. Honestly I think that's amistake for you as much as her. It takes time to cure the level of AO you have. The next one will kill your marriage. Dr H usually tells husbands like you to date his wife and conquer anger before moving back in. I sure hope that your wife will not be meeting you anywhere before you have gone through some serious anger management and before Dr. Harley or an another expert has told her that you are not acutely dangerous. And even then, I would not reccommend her to meet you in private. You are so infinitely entitled, that you have not even begun to understand how abnormal you have become. On the other hand, did your father treat your mother like that, or would you tolerate it, when your daughter's future husband treated her like that? Why should she believe you when you say you will now finally change? Every drunk wants to stop drinking while puking all over the bathroom. That usually lasts until the next evening. Your wife yould be wise not to take this sudden change of heart seriously. She has been laying at your feet for ages and you have only been kicking her down some more. Indeed, sadistic. You have had ample time to change. You have had gazillions of chances to start to even carefully cooperate. If you had wanted to change because you had an actual human heart, you would have changed. Instead you decided to torture her some more. The only reason she would want to believe you is, that the thought must be abhorrent to have been married to someone with so little ability to be considerate of the feelings of others. Well done.
me, DH
all the children
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Dr Harley wrote this to a woman whose husband used punishment to control and manipulate her feelings: I think you were on the right track when you were planning to separate before, but now you know that it will take quite a bit of time for your husband to learn to treat you with respect . He has developed some very bad habits, and it will take him maybe a year or longer to overcome them.
He has agreed to make changes in the past, but just agreeing to change is only the first step. Many of the changes he will need to make will take a great deal of effort and persistence. His goal should be providing you a home free of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. Until he can guarantee that safe environment for you, you should remain separated. That's because while he is learning new habits, he will make many mistakes. And you cannot afford to be confronted by the predictable mistakes he will make. Wait until he has mastered the lessons of treating you with thoughtfulness and respect before you let him back into the life of you and your girls.
Your husband's behavior is probably the most important cause of your depression, and I feel that with him out of the house, you will feel better almost immediately. You may feel guilty at first for making him move away from his girls, but until he learns to be respectful, he's not a good example to them.
At first, your husband will be very angry with you, and may even file for divorce. While separated, there is even the risk that he may have an affair. But if your marriage has any hope of surviving, he won't divorce you and he won't have an affair. Instead, he will recognize the role he has played in your depression, and he will begin to take the steps that will make him the husband he should have been all along.
If he begs you not to leave him, and you give him another chance, remember that it will take months, if not years, for him to change his habits. He will need careful and persistent monitoring of his conduct, and you must anticipate his resistance to that, especially after you decide to stay. That's why I think a separation that may last a year or more is inevitable. Your husband has a lot to learn, and it will take time to learn it.
. Now you might be thinking, maybe I'm not as bad as that guy - maybe I can just stop it like that... But a threat to kill is at the top, very utmost level of abuse seen in marriages. Saying it to the kids is even higher still. When Dr H hears about threats to kill he always recommends separation. Most angry words directed at spouses aren't illegal - but what you have done is. Threatening to kill someone can get you a criminal charge. It can mean a RO can be filed against you. It can mean your wife has legal course to divorce you - and on the (publicly available) divorce papers it will cite your violent threats as the cause. If you think that is even remotely OK, if you think it's just words (when the rest of the world knows it is illegal and very scary) - then without doubt you have lots of other, lesser, but still highly abusive habits. People nearly always 'ramp up' to anger with disrespect and demands. They also believe their spouse causes them to feel bad instead of owning and controlling their own feelings. I would say that you will do something else that will critically harm your marriage if you moved back in now. Disrespect or phrasing something as a demand at the very least. And I don't mean to offend you but I would fear for your wife's safety. Domestic violence almost always catches the perpetrator himself by surprise. Some of the things you claim to have done - like coldly and calculatedly making up an affair to hurt her - are deeply concerning. More so than an actual affair to me. It suggests you view her as a punishment target. Each of us has an arsenal of weapons we use when we're angry. If we think someone deserves to be punished, we unlock the gate and select an appropriate weapon.
Sometimes the weapons are verbal (ridicule and sarcasm), sometimes they're devious plots to cause suffering, and sometimes they're physical. But they all have one thing in common: they are designed to hurt people. Since our spouses are at such close range, we can use our weapons to hurt them the most.
Some of the husbands and wives I've counseled have fairly harmless arsenals, maybe just a few awkward efforts at ridicule. Others are armed to nuclear proportions; their spouses' very lives are in danger. The more dangerous your weapons are, the more important it is to control your temper. If you've ever lost your temper in a way that has caused your spouse great pain and suffering, you know you cannot afford to lose your temper again. You must go to extreme lengths to protect your spouse from yourself.
Last edited by indiegirl; 04/09/15 04:23 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Why don't you call Dr. Harley then? The opinion of this board is obviously not what you were looking for. I feel mildly insulted by that. The advice I gave was the advice I've heard Dr Harley give every single time, to a woman who has been threatened and frightened by her husband. The same is true for all posters to this thread. We are not giving our "opinions". Of course, Dr. Harley will say the same thing, and perhaps that will stop the cascade of drivel.
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I'm sorry. I reacted on one poster's harsh opinions with everyone else's helpful insight.
FYI, my wife just texted me, and is happy with me going to therapy and with me reading marriage builders concepts, and she is coming home as soon as I attend therapy and finish that book she left, so excuse me, I have some things to do. She also agreed to meet with me everyday at church until that is over.
I am planning to win her back, read and apply, from this day on, that is not a lie. If this is the truth, I hope your wife is still reading and I hope she demands that you put her in contact with whoever your therapist is, so he doesn't get the "minimize everything" version of the story. You didn't even bother mentioning that little bit about threatening her life in this thread until we brought it up, AND EVEN THEN you tried to dismiss it as insincere.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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