I don't think I would be a particularly vulnerable single mom since my standards are so high now, I just worry about the future of any new relationship/marriage and stability for my daughter. All in all, when things go well, step dads fair better than step moms in blended families (ain't nobody can replace yo mama), but it is still really risky. It is very sad for me because I am young and wanted to have more children. That might never happen.

The one thing I think that goes in my favor if I ever were to date and remarry is that WH is very far away and because of that can't just be hanging around all the time causing problems. Any new husband would automatically become my IM/Protector to keep me from WH's crazy missives via email. That would probably stop it completely. Plus, it may be slightly beneficial to have 1-2 weekends a month to have UA time in a new relationship.

Jedi's observation is interesting. I haven't been around long enough to notice but I can see where any long term Plan B'er would be very vulnerable.

I think in many cases with an affair everything happens so quickly that there's real shock to the BS about the loneliness. Also I think Plan A brings many good memories of the marriage back into the forefront, because you cling to those as motivation to look past the mountain of lovebusting coming from the WS. I'll dare say men are more susceptible to this as we typically do a much longer Plan A.

If you're going to fight, you have to get psyched up about it somehow. The process of doing Plan A made me feel more romantically attached to my wife than I was before I started because I had to dig up and focus on all of the reasons I married her and all of the things I loved about her, and try to banish the negatives from my mind. Her behavior still hurt tremendously and heavily drained my LB account for her, but it brought our romantic memories together to the forefront of my attention.

So I think the grieving process for someone in this situation is you first grieve over the loss of the romance ("I've lost my lover"), then you grieve over the loss of the friendship ("I've lost my best friend"), and lastly you grieve over the loss of companionship ("I'm all alone now"). That's how it's been for me, anyways. Even with the romance part of my marriage being difficult, my WW and I were very close and spent hours daily talking to each other until the A started, so I've been left feeling very isolated without the conversation time and playful joking time we shared.

I think by the time you get to the last stage (which is usually when you're heading into or already in Plan B), it's a strange vibe because you're the closest to being comfortable on your own again, but all of the ENs are so unmet by that point that an interested party could very easily sweep you off your feet simply by paying attention to you and finding you attractive. Perhaps more easily than you realize.

I've tried to keep extremely high boundaries around women for this reason. Don't really trust myself to say "no" once things get past a certain point. Basically any talk with women (mostly happens at work) that is leading towards flirting or hints at it to me in any way, I change the subject or end the conversation. I've also made it a point to avoid talking about my marital circumstances to any females 1 on 1, though I have relatively high visibility in my company and it seems to have traveled through the grapevine somehow.

And really, I'm still legally married so I should be doing these things anyways, but Plan B tends to make you feel not very married in a tangible sense, especially after a long period of NC.

I think the high standards PW mentioned that MB provides is helpful though. I don't worry about stumbling into a serious relationship as much as an unserious relationship with serious risks (sex, basically) and I've thought more than once of how stupid I would feel filling out an MB personal history questionnaire and having to write down in front of my future wife that I had slept with someone outside of my marriage. Also the thought of being reckless/cruel to someone who was more attached to me than I was to them bothers me enough to discourage me greatly from putting myself in a position where I could get sucked into a rebound relationship. I think BSes have a heightened sensitivity about how it feels to be used, and I try to channel that memory into motivation not to hurt someone else that way.

Accountability also helps if you've got close friends. I've told pretty much all of my close friends what I feel tempted by or worried about so that if I bump into them with a new girl attached to me they can smack some sense into me.

Axe you are going to make a seriously wonderful husband to someone one day. Your WW is a moron.

Agreed. Slow clap for Axe!

Great idea!

That could likely be a drain on your marriage. Being an IM can be difficult work.

LoL


Thanks, that is very kind. My goal is to become the type of person who can be a wonderful husband to someone.

I do not think my WW is a moron. I was a very different person a year ago before this circus got started. Losing my marriage made me realize I needed to change a lot of things about my behavior. If my wife was here she would probably say that I was arrogant, disrespectful and selfish with my time (workaholic), and certainly for the last year or two of our marriage she would be correct about that.

Not excuses, but reasons.

x 2

I think it would also be unfair to a new spouse to expect him to be an IM. A husband should be a protector but being an IM is a bad idea IMO.

Indeed. I hadn't thought about it that way. You are right. I wouldn't put someone else in that position. I am hoping with him being so far away and limiting all necessary communication about DD to an email manned by my friend, it won't be too taxing for anyone.

I may post my story in the SAA Forum soon...never had a complete thread in SAA about it so there isn't a link to a thread I can give. My ex had posted on MB after Dday2 with OW2. After our divorce, exWH would read my posts on MB...99% sure about that as I would see him pop up online so at the time I did not want to make a thread...didn't want to deal with any more drama at the time.

Yes there are reasons, not excuses. But most affairs indicate that the WS has an issue with boundaries with the opposite sex. There is a great chance that even if you had been a wonderful H, your W would have strayed.

But yes, I agree with you that learning about MB is a great tool for making yourself a better person regardless of what happens with your M. I try to have it be my goal to NEVER have an AO (raising voice, getting fired up, etc) with my kids for instance when before I thought I was entitled to them...

I've gone one step further, no eye rolling either :-)

black_raven, I would welcome your sharing your story.

I would also read this if posted. I've always enjoyed your posts because you are so direct/knowledgeable and wondered what your story was.

It could be a drain on the marriage but I recall Dr. Harley recommending this arrangement on his Radio Show.

My husband is my IM and it works very well. He volunteered to do this, I would never have asked. However, my children are all adults so the communication is limited to the XH's mad ravings. We had to go the IM route because we realised that his refusal to divide the marital assets pursuant to the divorce was because the court case kept a connection to me.

Do you remember which show?

I thought that this would be a good route too with having a young kid. By the end of this thing, she will be our only connection and he lives far away. With my WH, I know that having a man intercede for me would be far more effective at getting him to just stick to needed business. I honestly hired a male attorney when I moved because of that.

....but of course this assumes I'll ever get remarried...

I remember Dr. Harley steering you towards D when you were on the show because he didn't think you should be with a man as unreliable as your WH due to your epilepsy. I think he'd probably recommend you remarry for the same reason.

That is a good reason and I would love to get married again (assuming WH doesn't have a miraculous road to Damascus moment). I love being married. However, the whole 85% of blended families don't make it thing scares me to death.