He is refusing to use the IM and pushing the issue with the kids.
I understand and assure you that you are not alone in this dilemma.
I have been divorced nearly 3 years and my ex wife has always been combative towards any IM.

I am not familiar with your case.
is there a court ordered visitation which spells out dates and times?
Does the order state what happens if the parents is late?

Just have your IM contact him and tell him that if he wants to get a message to you, it has to be through her.

And then what? Do I let him come get the kids late?

Jedi, there's no court order in place regarding the children. He has filed for D and I countersued and filed for pendants lite support (financial order pending the finalization of D) but it doesn't include visitation.

Ok, IM said any messages to me need to be sent through her and he replied "nope"

Also, train your kids to stop passing on messages to you. Tell them to respond "mom said please contact Aunt Sue if you want to get a message to her."

Dr. Harley would probably encourage you to contact an attorney for specific legal advice involving custody and visitation.

Thanks Jedi. I'll contact my lawyer. In the meantime, I need to go to the store and he is almost an hour late, so I'm outta here.

There is No justifiable reason for being late if he prioritizes the visit with his children.

Being late only means he didn't leave early enough to take unkown variables into consideration.

Have your IM inform him of the rules. If he is late, Without at least 24 hours prior notification to your IM, then he forfeits that visit with no do-overs or make up visits allowed.

Never respond to any message that does not go through your IM.

LTL

Update: I took the kids to the store and out to lunch. WH just contacted IM to ask if he could come get the kids for the rest of his time. And when she didn't answer immediately he said he would just stop by and see.

I told her to let him know that we are not home, in the future if he needs to change visitation time he should give 24 hours notice, and that kids will see him Tuesday, which is his next scheduled visit day.

I don't know if he attempted to reach kiddo by his cell or not. He is bad about leaving his ringer off or putting his phone in his backpack where he can't hear it unless I remind him to check it. Which of course I am not doing today, because he does not need to be in the middle of this.

The good news is that I feel fine. I am not feeling hurt or sad or mad. I have made a mental shift, thanks to you guys.

One thing I did on the IM situation and others will tell you if it is a good Idea or not: I did a secret IM. I set up an email account for my DD and my IM checks it once a day. He doesn't know it's not me, but it doesn't matter. She just doesn't respond if it's something irrelevant.

I did this because I in my state, they usually mandate email communication about kids. I don't care that he thinks it's me. He'll know my boundary is to not respond to his crazy.

Your IM is giving you too much information imo.

When your husband said 'nope' she should not have mentioned that to you. She should simply respond 'I don't see any pertinent information to pass on here to Purple. Let me know when there is a message re children/finances to pass along.' To you she should simply say 'message given'.

Not sure if she did, but she doesn't need to tell you that he's going to stop by unexpectedly. You should be expecting that and prepared for what you would do. He's going to try break your Plan in a million ways.

To be expected that he will 'drop by'.

You don't respond you're not home. You simply don't answer the door or do whatever you would do if he hadn't tried to forewarn you.

Following up with the lawyers a great idea.

I do think it will make it easier on your IM if you tell her his responses/attitude mean diddly squat and you don't care to hear them. She'll get much more confident in the role as someone dictating the rules, not negotiating in the middle.

I am not familiar with this origibal posters case.
if she is in Plan B, there should be no secret IM because the wayward spouse needs to understand that there is no communication or contact until the affair is ended.

I think that is a good idea if a BS is mandated by courts with a threat if imprisonment, but I would never ever do this unless forced. It only emboldens the WS to be a bigger bully and makes the situation worse. When the WS is allowed to contact the BS (or think he is In Contact) then he KNOWS he is in charge. I don't think I would want to send that message to any wayward.

Almost every WS "refuses" to use the IM at first. That is not a good reason to give into their demands.

That's probably true. I suspect mine knows it's not m e, which is why he's tried other means of contact in the past. I have no idea if my IM has revealed of it's her or not.
Imprisonment would not be an issue, but some sort of slap in the wrist from the court.

Thanks Indie. I passed this on to my IM. I do appreciate her letting me know if he tells her he's stopping by, just because if my 4 year old was outside playing and WH pulled up, it would be a lot more difficult for me to just not answer the door and wait for him to go away. And we do like to spend time outside.

At that time, I really wasn't home, but you're right, that's not his business.


So, on Tuesday morning he contacted my IM to tell me that he had court again on Wednesday morning and wanted to know if he could pick the baby up 30 minutes early, or if he would need to wait until Friday (next scheduled visit) to see her. The message was 24 hours in advance, almost to the minute.


My lawyer returned my call yesterday regarding visitation, and said that since there is no court order in place, I am in charge of visitation times, and not to worry about that. She also said that his lawyer is pushing forward with the divorce. She had sent over a discovery questionaire (which my lawyer advised me to ignore until his lawyer files a motion to compel, which she thinks probably won't happen). She also sent a proposed parenting plan in which he would get the kids every Monday through Wednesday and every Friday morning. Which is a)ridiculous, b)equal time, and c) my lawyer said it is likely just intended to reduce his child support payment but that our judges in this county would like it because they like to give dads equal parenting time. (Good in theory, but really only if they take into account the circumstances.) She is advising that we counter offer eventually with possibly Mon-Wed every other week and every Friday, and include a stipulation that the baby only visit during the day until a time that both of us agree she is ready for overnights. She also said that when she spoke to WH's lawyer, the woman didn't even know how old our children are, just that we "have a bunch of them". What in the world?

So, my lawyer is honoring my request that I not have contact with him, and to drag out the D as much as possible.

I wouldn't "drag out the divorce." That will just cost you money and give you more hassle and stress.

If you have to give equal parenting time make a plan that benefits yourself.

I'm not familiar with your case. Do you have a job? Can you support yourself?

Jedi, this is why I asked my lawyer to take her time.

No, I do not have a job. I have been a stay at home mom, homeschooling our children for the past 5 years and have 2 children preschool aged. The cost of going to work (daycare for two) would be equal to what I could bring home. Not to mention the upheaval of changing the older kids' schooling situation on top of everything else. I am taking classes now to give myself higher paying part time options. If worse comes to worst, I can move in with my mom.

I would NEVER go for midweek overnights. You said you homeschool...your WH would have to drop off/pick up the kids so you could school them? Even if they went to a traditional school it would be a nightmare unless 1- you have language in there that WH must live no more than x miles from you as he would have to get them to/from school during the week and 2-he is good about doing homework with the kids. WHs are lazy and like being the Disneyland Dad who leaves the homework to Mom. You would also have to live close to him for midweek overnights to occur. Even then I don't think it is a good idea.

The parenting plan should be what is best for you and the kids, not him. Don't get hung up on 50/50...that is unrealistic and silly.




Is there a standard parenting plan for your state that you can start with and tweek to fit your needs?