Hi all,

I wrote this to Dr. Harley today, but I figured I'd post it here and get your opinions too.

I've been married since November. My husband was court ordered to pay child support for our 3 year old before we were married. We are going to court on the 20th of this month to review the child support case and establish child support for my one year old. He hates that he has to pay child support.
However.
I feel that our marriage is not a marriage. I am now 2 months pregnant, and take care of my other four children as a single mother. Ever since we have been married, he has stayed at work for longer and longer periods of time. Now, he stays out for 3 weeks at a time. I rarely hear from him. No texts, no calls, nothing.
He is a customer sales representative.. Basically, he stocks and orders pizza in grocery stores in different cities. His job takes him up to two hours away in distance at a time. He has two whole days off per week and could come home during those days (as well as some nights per week) but does not come home nor contact me during the days he is off or could come home. He promised before we were married that he would find another job. The only jobs he has found were jobs an hour and a half away from me. He refused to look for jobs where I live..and now he doesn't look for other jobs at all.
I asked if he would consider asking his boss to change routes because he has a lot of opposite sex relationships in the the stores he does now. I asked if he could ask to drive a truck for the company instead which would ensure he is home every night. I asked if he could reduce his route since he has the most accounts and longest drive time out of all the salesman he works with. He has not asked his boss about these options. Instead, he tells his boss about my problems with the job (other women, how much he is away among other problems in our relationship) and now (according to him) his boss doesn't like me and is counting the days before our marriage is over.
He still has an apartment that he pays for that is about an hour and a half away from my house. The lease is up in July. For now, he claims he lives only out of his car. He says he wants to move in with me (even though he hates where I live) but would that be living together if he is gone three weeks at a time? If he lives with me, I might become ineligible for the government assistance I am on (food stamps, pregnancy medicaid, children's medicaid) and I cannot afford these things on my income. I would offer to move with him into a new place if I knew without a doubt that he would be financially supportive and home every night and emotionally available to myself and my kids, but I have little hope of that happening. At least here I have a job, free daycare for my younger kids, and I live sort of close to my parents.
What should I do? Is child support reasonable in this situation even though it upsets him to the point of resenting me? I am afraid he will control the money if I rely on him. I have asked him for money and he does not respond for weeks at a time. He said we could have a joint account but then I got out of him that if he thought my spending was unreasonable, he would pull the funds and close out the account. Of course, if we were using the POJA, that problem would be solved, but it is impossible to follow that rule in the current situation... and I don't see it changing anytime soon.
Should I ask him to get an apartment somewhere else until he wants to integrate his life with me?
I don't know what to do. I feel like this marriage was over before it even started.

I think it was... Why on earth would you marry someone who wasn't even supporting his son?

It really sounds like he's set up a secret second life for the purposes of having affairs. Do you have any spyware on him?

I agree. What you describe isn't a marriage. Why did you get married?

As far as finances go... You'd be amazed how much better life is when all your energies are not spent trying to bottle thunder.

For some reason your money goes so much further, and your job prospects too, when you're not constantly chasing a reluctant man.

From my experience.

How did you come to need a court order to get him to support his own child in the first place?

I am very jealous by nature and would have spyware on him, but it kills me everytime I start looking at things like that. I drop weight and I care about him more because of the time invested into thinking about him and searching for things (I would search endlessly) so for my health and for my unborn child's health, I had to stop.
Yep. There's no other way for me to feel right now other than that I made a mistake. For the most part, I've stopped chasing for the reasons above. I'm guessing child support is the best way to go, but should I also ask him to find a different place to live after his lease is up?

Sugar: I could not afford insurance while pregnant with our 3 year old, so I had to be on pregnancy medicaid. As soon as the baby is born, it is mandatory that the father be taken to court for child support.

Your marriage is making you sick. I would get legally separated and make sure you have legal protection in place. Asking him to find a different place is a waste of time.

Melody: no legal separation in our state only divorce. Is that what you meant by legal protection?

In that case, I would file for divorce. You have already established that your H won't be in a marriage with you. You really should get legal protection before another woman beats you to the punch.

What is legal protection? And how can another woman beat me to the punch? Thanks, sorry for my ignorance lol

She means that you need to file for divorce and get this guy to pay child support before he gets someone else pregnant and then owes her money.

Oh oh okay I see. Thanks again.

You will eventually find yourself competing with other women for his income.

So really, as long as child support is established, there is no other legal protection needed, correct? Again, my state does not recognize separation and does not typically award alimony.

He would have to continue paying the bills. So child support and financial support would probably be warranted.

I would just change the locks while he's away, send a message he's not welcome to come home and put the legal stuff into effect.

You're going to feel so much better...

I would file for divorce. This is not a marriage and your H (WH?) is not good marriage or even father material. If you live in TX, you will not get alimony post-D but during the process you can get spousal maintenance.

Marrying this guy was a bad decision all the way around. I would cut your losses and focus on raising your kids and getting your life together.

That was me on the show today btw

Yes, I heard that and am even more alarmed and have emailed Dr. Harley. You asked "should I get divorced before my baby is due as the forum advised?" I didn't advise that you get divorced, but that you FILE FOR DIVORCE so you can get legal protection. It takes months, and even years to GET divorced. [even though I don't believe your marriage will make it, but that is neither here nor there]

What are you going to do when your husband stops supporting you?

We were trying to help you ensure you have financial support for the time being and you did not explain that to the Harleys.