I'm so embarrassed about what I'm about to tell you. But first, after I came to the forums for help I had the opportunity to speak with Dr. Harley and Joyce on the radio show. His recommendation was to stay separated unless he 1) had his angry outbursts under control and 2) quit his job. And... He did both. After living together, things became extremely livable. We were together all the time until he found the job he has now. Even when he was hired, he would always offer to have me come to the store or call me and would come home on breaks. Things were far from perfect, but they were far from abusive anymore. Most of the comments he used to make ("boyfriends" comments) just dropped away. Up until two weeks ago, the main things we lacked at this point were undivided attention (because we also always had the kids or were at my job) and the negotiating skills that take time and practice to achieve.

Now, the part I am so ashamed of. I started having angry outbursts toward the end of my pregnancy and I guess my panic cropped back up again. I say "I guess" because it didn't feel like panic, I was convinced something was very wrong with me. My pulse was always in the hundreds, I was more swollen, uncomfortable, and tired than I'd ever been with my other pregnancies, and occasionally I would feel this crushing blackness come over me. My doctor witnessed my "panic" and put me on medication the morning after I had my baby. It will have been two months with my off and on craziness on the 24th. But now, I really blew it. He had already worked with her the first day, and after trying (in the best way he knew how possibly? I started crying so I know I didn't help the situation) to accommodate me he told me he wasn't working with her the second day. I snuck to check and see if she was there before his shift started and she was. When I got home where he was getting ready to go to work, my three youngest still in the car, I ran inside the house and punched him dead in the face. I attacked him and screamed and cried. What sucks is, he called in that day and got written up for it. So he gave in to my tantrum. And even though he took that entire second day off, we didn't talk it about it except to fight and part ways. On the third day, after being reassured he wasn't working with her again, I walked in on him, her, and his manager all working together and looking guilty. At that point I knew he had lied to me for sure and I left and went to my Dad's with only the baby.

I am so ashamed of my behavior. Now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to come back from what I did, and I don't know how to stop feeling jealous over this, or making the complete WRONG decisions in regards to it. I feel so sick when I think about the two of them at work together that I have to distract myself completely and that's partly why I'm at my dad's. The other part is to protect everyone from my angry outbursts until I'm sure I am not going to put everyone through that again.

We aren't talking really. I called him yesterday to apologize for everything. He stayed on the phone with me all the way until he got into work. He informed me she was there, and I stayed quiet. He asked the manager who was working today and she replied "just you and her". I kind of got stupid and started saying "just come home" and things like that. Then he started talking to me about the situation in front of the manager and the girl! I asked him (crying) why he was talking about this right in front of them? He told me that I was part of their conversation too (maybe I was on speaker phone?) and that everyone knew what was going on between us! I couldn't believe it! I cried more and asked how he could do that? I never wanted the girl to know there was a problem, and I wanted the manager to only know that he wasn't comfortable working with a young attractive girl since he was married and he wouldn't want me to do that to him. Instead there I was possibly on speakerphone discussing my jealousy with the girl herself and the manager and him. As I was crying, he told me to stop yelling at him. Hearing that, I had to hang up. I couldn't believe how this was being handled by both of us. This is a super small town that we are having trouble leaving. We can't undo this craziness.

So now I'm stuck. We're stuck. My doctor changed my medicine to Effexor so maybe that with help some. But I still don't feel like I can go home and stay home. Last night while switching off the kids, he came home at midnight. I just felt nothing but sick and couldn't talk to him. I knew I would say something stupid. So I just left. He text me last night saying he hopes I'm not cheating on him and that "Whatever you're hurt about is trumped by everything you're doing because all the pain you're inflicting is INTENTIONAL..". I think he's talking about me coming to my dad's and staying the night. I just don't know what else to do. I constantly ask myself how other people can take this pain and hold it together? How they can sit in a dingy mobile home with their husband right down the road working with somebody they are extremely uncomfortable with and basically just sit on their hands and wait til it plays out?

That's why I'm coming to you guys - for ideas on how to turn this around.

Here is your H's show.
Radio Clip of HersheyKiss's H's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Were you on the show after your H's show, but before your April show?

I don't think so.

Know you are not forgotten. But I'm a little flabbergasted and unsure what to say at this point. There is no excuse for hitting your H. Perhaps you should write. Dr. Harley at this point.

Do you understand that your desperation has led you into a trap? You behave like a cornered animal because you remain in an abusive situation.

You should have left as soon as he began seeing this woman behind your back. sooner. By staying and condoning the abuse, you became an abuser yourself.

There are only two outcomes to an abusive situation. You chose fight over flight which is inexcusable morally, and deeply foolish to boot.

If you had left you would have cured your anxiety and depression, resolved all your problems. By staying you are just exacerbating the abuse.

I wouldn't listen to his nonsense about his abuse is unintentional, blah blah blah. He knew full well he was consciously hurting you.

The main thing is to free yourself before you try to punch him into fidelity again. You don't have the power, much less the right, to control him.

Trying to hang onto this man is like trying to drag a corpse around.

I'd personally rather be alone, barefoot on a pebble path to nowhere. At least I wouldn't be dragging dead weight and anything else is likely to be better..

Can you call up a women's shelter? He's made you fear he will kill you in the past and you're making it awfully likely now you are smacking back.

Thanks for all the replies. I am so thankful this forum exists for people when they need help like this. I have an amazing update. My husband decided to transfer to a different store. He explained that he couldn't just cut hours because the store had so few employees. But he is able to switch to a different store as soon as this Saturday. Not only do I feel 50 percent less jealous, but I really do feel that he cares more about his marriage and his family more than his job and some coworker.

At the same time it is a huge eye opener for the abuse I just inflicted on him and my own emotional outbursts. I need to go forward with this in mind. I'm glad my posts are here because it's kind of like a diary to see which direction things have been headed. It's good to see so much improvement on his part, and very humbling.

Thank you again everyone. I'm so grateful you for your responses.

Have you listened to this?
Anger Management 101

Also this. What to do with an Angry Husband

What is your husband going to change to make you safe in your marriage? What is your plan?

What is he going to do to not have opposite sex friendships?

That is like being 50 pc less dead!


It doesn't change the fact he was lying to you about seeing another woman.

And that's a MINOR point given he's barely off the probationary period you put him on for being violent and neglectful of his children.

It would be one thing if he said 'sorry for lying through my teeth and giving you a nervous breakdown' but instead he's glossed right over the whole thing with another lie. It had nothing to do with hours!

Seriously, why is your bar on the floor?

These are the million dollar questions.

First just in case there was any misunderstanding: he was going to work as scheduled and not telling me she was scheduled that night as well. He hasn't made any attempts to see her outside of his schedule as far as I know. He has been working with her for one week now as far as I know. He knew her beforehand in passing as a customer as far as I know, but they did not speak to each other as far as I know.

My husband has done well in controlling his temper since we have been living together. With a few exceptions, when things rise to an argument, we part ways until we can think more logically about the situation. My plan is to keep doing that. As well as working on finding a medication to help with my postpartum stuff and anxiety. I am working on exposing myself to uncomfortable situations and keeping my cool. For example, today I went to his work with 4/5 kids. I knew it was a possibility she was going to be there, despite his manager's supposed understanding of the situation. She was. I spoke to her. I shopped while she was there and he worked with her, under the stress of having four young kiddos with me. She checked us out. I actually even asked my husband to buy me a drink and be checked out by her which I would never normally do and tried my best to stay calm. This gained his confidence in me apparently and a few more truths came out after I left the store. We were on the phone after I left and he told me that he had worked with her the first day teaching her how to use the register. He told me this lasted for about an hour. During that hour, she asked him if he smoked. When he said no, she said "but do you smoke anything else?". They talked about their kids and other things I haven't asked him about.

Until tonight, he had offered to be on the phone with me while working so long as I didn't lose my temper. Tonight he got in trouble for being on the phone with me so I guess that won't happen anymore

More bad news too... I guess it could be a lot longer than Saturday that he transfers. I'm pretty upset about this but have kept it together enough to not tell him yet. It also seems like he will be scheduled with her until he leaves the store whether by his will or his managers. Of course I can never be a hundred percent sure.

I can't play these for some reason

😢 So true. Very sobering.

Hershey, your plan is a disaster.

I understood perfectly he was lying about his workplace experience with women: did you?

Not only that but you are deliberately exposing yourself to her company too in the most stressful unflattering circumstances possible. The exact opposite of MB!

Now you are hearing he has awful boundaries with OS co-workers and indulges in personal conversation. That you won't ask him about.

Now you are using conflict avoidance to keep a lid on your unhappiness about the transfer.

No plan whatsoever and you aren't going to get any fans for a disaster blog.

I thought if spouses feel suspicious, Dr. Harley advises to show up at work and surprise your spouse so that you can feel better about seeing that nothing is going on? If not, may I have some alternate ideas? It is also a form of "flooding" for my own anxiety which I have heard him talk about before.

What is OS?
I think he felt cornered while talking to her because they were working alone on the register while the manager was doing something else. I always have my suspicions that it's more sinister than that, but I have had experiences myself where I am not sure how to act or what to say to politely get out of the situation.

For example, I was approached by my ex one day who tried to give me a hug. I stopped him and explained I don't take hugs anymore since I am married. The guy still wanted to ask who my husband was and details about all that. I asked him if he had married his long term girlfriend as a poor attempt at some boundary, but of course my husband wasn't happy when I told him about it. I would have been devastated if the tables were turned.

I can only imagine how it must feel to awkwardly stand with a brand new coworker and train her after your spouse is calling you crying and asking you to just leave and your manager asked you to train her and you're calling a male coworker over and over to help with the situation but he won't answer. If that was truly what went on, that was a lot of unneeded pressure from me and a very tense situation all around.

I should add here that it really wasn't too out of place to ask him if he smoked since everyone else goes on smoke breaks.

In my opinion the mistake was right here. Instead of telling the manager that I would be upset with him working with her, I would have liked him to say that he didn't feel comfortable training her. Which also puts him in a bind because he was applying for management positions where he would have to be unbiased when hiring and training. Because of this mistake, the manager has yelled at him and said it was not her job to accommodate my feelings. She refuses to help out in any way, scheduled them together everyday, and now he has lost his phone privileges so he can't contact me to make me feel better.

I am going to ask him more about their interactions together. Because of what happened yesterday, he was very tense. I need to be able to determine when is the best time to have a conversation about these things because a lot of times my emotions will get in the way and I will sound (to him) argumentative and start crying. I also need to do it when he isn't so tense so that I can get the most informative responses I can. It's all part of encouraging the honestly that is such a big part of marriage builders. Am I truly going about this in the wrong way? If so, I am open to suggestions if you can take the time to give me some

This is just about waiting until he got home to express my unhappiness as practice in controlling my reactions to my emotions. Which I was successful in doing.

OS=opposite sex
Acronyms and Abbreviations