Thank you. I came here for advice, I am just not very brave I guess., however I am trying to work up my resolve to go sign my rental lease on Monday. There are four children involved here so I am cautious! But I also know that this has not been a healthy environment for them too.

Being apart from him for a day IS NOT A SEPARATION.

He has no reason to change. You are not setting the bar high, so why should he reach for it?

You need to plan on separation lasting at least a year while he works on changing what he needs to change.

You WILL NOT get emotionally closer as long as you stay with him and let him continue to treat you the way he does. If you want to protect what little connection you do have, then you need to separate.

See a doctor to help you with the anxiety.

Please don't just discuss with us on the forum. Listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show so you can learn Marriage Builders so you can find out how the Marriage Builders plan can help you.

Why would you listen to someone just because they tell you what you want to hear?

If they told you YES they would be wrong because that's not what Dr Harley told you to do and he's the one with the experience helping couples who have marital troubles.

If there was a way to fix the issue without separating, don't you think Dr Harley would have suggested that?

Or do you think he tells people to separate, like it's not a big deal?

How much contact should we have while separated?

In cases of angry outbursts, the reason for separation is twofold: (1) Physical and emotional safety and (2) to motivate the angry person to learn how to control themself.

So, during separation it can be good to go on dates or speak on the phone...but do NOT move back together until the person demonstrates (with professional backing/ endorsement) that he can and will control his angry outbursts and NEVER have one again.

Your first step needs to be to follow Dr. Harley's advice and separate. That should be your focus at this time.

Visiting your sister who is about to have a baby is not a separation. Millions of women visit their sisters to help out with a new baby without any hint of a crisis in their marriage.

You're trying to cut corners on this, and you are refusing to take your husband's anger problem as seriously as we and Dr Harley take it, on your behalf.

You've separated for brief times before, and gone back to him without evidence of change, only to end up back at square one, and now you are doing it again. Where is this likely to end up, again?

He is finally posting here so now I know this can work this time although I have my own version of what he has posted. what matters now anyways is he keeps motivated to finding ways to control anger, which I saw he made a jump and then we can move towards recovery. it is one full month separation anyways, while giving myself a reason to convince myself to actually leave. This will buy us time into cooling things down. I will post back in a month before returning home anyways.

What do you mean, "finally"? He has been posting here for some weeks.

However, his posting here didn't mean he was trying to learn the MB programme, or learn about anger management, and it didn't stop him having this last outburst against you.

How will you know whether it is safe to return to him after the coming month? And if you judge it isn't safe, where will you go? Will he move out and allow you and the girls to move in? Have you planned this right through?

Are you insisting that he enrols in a proper anger management programme - one that focuses on retraining his responses - and that he drops this couples' therapist who is doing more harm than good? She makes him delve into the past and talk about why he feels anger. She is not teaching him how to STOP anger from today on. She does not know what she is doing. Are you going to insist that he goes to an effective behavioural specialist?

Is he going to get into an anger management program?

Yes, exposed a summary of his biggest AO's to my sister and to his dad last night in order to push the anger management agreement. This morning, my husband called me with zombie voice. He said: "You won, I will do it boss, what else do you want boss". I guess this must be normal reaction, and just wait until he cools from feeling I exposed on him. He told me he feels betrayed again with this exposure.

No, no family member has ever witnessed AO themselves, except for our neighbors that called my mother after a scene when he broke the front door back around maybe 7 years ago, but when my mother called me, I denied it. I said I didn't know what our neighbor was talking about. I helped cover up the evidence and we replaced the door in just an hour. When my mom came over there was no broken door.

I learned already not to cover up anymore and setting my bar standards high now. I actually see he has the power to change any bad habits if he wants to. So do I.

11 years married, we are both 29. He'll be 30 next month.

yes

Are you going to stay with your sister until he completes the anger management program? How long are you planning to stay separated?

He has a LOT of work to do before he's safe, AlienGirl.

I don't know how long anger management program is. I am staying one month with my sister, as I help her out since she is having a baby by C-section next Monday. I feel that is an extra extended visit already. Then, I am going back home.

You are whistling in the dark.

One month is WAY TOO SHORT.

No I would not call it a normal reaction for a person who claims he is serious about changing his behavior and improving his marriage. There is nothing hat in hand about that comment.

Your standards are not high if you return home given his attitude. They are quite low.