I have been married to my husband for 12.5 years. We have 2 children ages 10 & 5. In December of 2014 I discovered my husband was using an e-mail account that I did not know he was using. He was using this email account to email another woman. From what I could tell, he started the emails around June, 2013. The emails contained very sexual things. He also used this email account to receive and send emails to women on a dating website. From what I discovered, he started using the dating website in March, 2014. My husband was posting �Ads� on the dating website that would say he was available to meet other women. He also responded to �Ads� posted by other women who were looking for men to date. Photos were exchanged and I also found that he gave his cell phone number to at least 2 of the girls from the dating website. I asked my husband about this secret email account and he said it was nothing more than a game to him, he did it out of boredom, he did it for the pictures and it was an enhancement to him. I asked him if he had ever met up with any of the women he had been emailing and he said no. I asked him if he ever used the dating website before 2014 and he said no. I asked him if he had other email accounts I did not know about and he said no. I asked him if he used other dating websites and he said no. After several days of talking he volunteered to delete that email account. After several days of me asking, he agreed to give me passwords to his 2 other email accounts. These I already knew about. 1 is for personal use and the other one he uses for business. And he gave me the password to the credit card account. I also asked him to let me read all text messages on his phone and he agreed. Even though I had all this access and I monitored it daily, I still had doubts and I did not fully believe his reasons about why sent those �Ads� and emails and I got depressed. Me and my husband became distant with each other and we were not talking. We both felt like ending the marriage but we did not want to break up our kids� home. Around late January, 2015, I began searching for marriage counselors and I found the marriage builders website. I started reading about it and I began to have hope for my marriage. I introduced marriage builders to my husband and he seemed to be interested in it. We started on it and things seemed to be getting better. We were meeting each other�s emotional needs and spending a lot of time talking and showing affection to each other. The month of February seemed to be going good but honestly I still had some doubts about trusting my husband. I decided to look into old credit card bills and to my disappointment I found where he had been paying for a membership to a dating website since 2009. This one was not the same one I discovered this past December. I specifically asked my husband if he had paid for the dating website before 2014 and he said no. He lied to me. Because of my lack of trust in him and because of his lie I felt my recover was based on false information and I slowly withdrew myself from him. I felt like all the time we spent on working on our marriage just seem to dissolve because he lied to me again. I decided to email Dr. Harley. I spoke to Mrs. Joyce and Dr. Harley about my situation and asked for guidance on if I should ask my husband to take a polygraph test. Dr. Harley suggested that I do ask my husband to take it. Another month went by and I decided to ask my husband to take a polygraph test. Within five minutes of me asking my husband he gave me 3 answers. First he said that if he took it, because of his medication and stress, it would most likely make it look like he was not telling the truth. Second he said he would have to think about it. Third he said no, he would not take it because he feels insulted that I even asked him to take it and if our relationship has come to a polygraph test then we should just end it now. My husband said that me wanting him to take a polygraph test and him not wanting to take it violates the policy of joint agreement. I told him that the test would help me rebuild trust in our relationship but he said he is not going to take it. I would like some input and advice on whether or not I should continue to ask my husband to take a polygraph test.

Welcome to MB, BR girl.

Just a tip: your post would be a lot easier for people to read if you broke it into short paragraphs.

About this:

Are you prepared to tell him that he is right, and that since he is prepared to end the marriage over your request for a polygraph test, he should move out today?

Help him pack.

It is sickening that after the blows you have received, your husband is willing to use POJA, an aspect of the MB programme designed to build strong, romantic marriages, to throw you off course, keep you confused and unhappy, and protect his secret second life.

BRgirl, POJA is not to be used in an affair; Dr Harley states this explicitly. Neither is it to be used in any situation in which physical or mental health and safety are at risk. POJA was not designed to allow one spouse to abuse, gaslight or lie to the other. That he is using it like this against his demoralised and desperate wife is actually very cunning, and very wicked.

You need to demand the conditions you need to stay in the marriage. So, the answer to your question is yes, you should ask again for your husband to take a polygraph test, and when he refuses, pack his bags.

X2.

I wonder why he isn't more delighted to have a way of proving new found honesty? Hmmmm.....

Plan B doll.

Welcome.

Thanks for the tip. I will use paragraphs.

I don't know if I am prepared for him to move out. I have 2 kids I have to think about and how this will affect them.

If you're not prepared to do that, then you're saying that you will put up with anything. Is that your attitude?

Around 9 pm last night I asked my husband if he had given any more thought about taking a polygraph test. He said he has thought about it but he didn't want to talk about it last night because it was late. I said ok.

Could you answer my question, please?

If you're not prepared to do that, then you're saying that you will put up with anything. Is that your attitude? [/quote]

Honestly, I feel like I have been doing that for the sake of my kids. But no, I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with a husband that feels he can lie to me. This is my life and I feel I deserve to know the truth.

I tried to reply to you question the way you are replying to mine but it didn't work.

How do I do that?

See these buttons at the bottom of every post?

Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email Post

Use the "quote" button. The quote appears, fully formed.

Add your text below it.

If you don't want to quote a whole post, but only want to quote a sentence, delete what you don't want to quote, but leave the brackets at the beginning and end intact. You messed up the quote because you messed up the brackets.

Use the "preview" feature to check that your post looks the way you want it to, before you hit "submit".

I don't want to but honestly I feel like I have been putting up with it for the sake of my kids. I don't really want to spend the rest of my life with a husband that feels he can lie to me. This is my life. I deserve to know the truth. I feel if he loves me and wants to move forward then he needs to tell the truth about everything.

Well, you need to enforce this. Are you prepared to insist on a test, and to order him to leave if he doesn't take it?

You need to see his leaving as potentially permanent, of course.

To get rid of that empty quote box, you need to delete the brackets that went with your quote, and just leave the brackets for my quote.

You deleted the content of your quote, but not the brackets.

Use the Preview feature to play around with this before you post!

No. I just really want to try and save my marriage.

I have been re-reading about plan A & Plan B. Dr. Harley says "In other cases, such as annoying behavior or failure to meet important emotional needs, where thoughtlessness does not reach the level of physical or mental abuse, plan A should be given quite a bit of time and effort before resorting to plan B."

I would like to keep working in Plan A for a little bit longer. I think it would be safe to say I started Plan A in late February/early March. I withdrew from participating in it less than a month after I started it. I would like for me to re-start Plan A and try it again.

What should I be doing and experiencing in Plan A? Such as can trust begin to be restored in Plan A? Do I excuse the past lies? What happens if he continues to lie to me while in Plan A?

BRgirl, if you have been reading Dr Harley's work then you know he advocates plan A for women no longer than 3-4 weeks after an affair. If her husband will not cooperate in recovery then separation and plan b is warranted.

When will you have reached the 3 week mark?

BRgirl, you should schedule the polygraph and then give him an ultimatum. Two days before the test, hand him a list of all your questions and tell him he has one last chance to come clean before the test.

I don't sense that you are taking recovery very seriously, and as such, neither is he. You need to man up a little here and take a more serious approach to saving your marriage.

Adultery and repeated lying are mental abuse. You are not going to "love" him into caring for you. He knows he can do whatever he wants and you won't do anything about it.

Plan B is your only hope here.

Take it from those of us who have fully recovered marriages: we did not recover by being weak and complacent. We did it by holding our spouses accountable and not accepting anything less, because THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES TO SAVE A MARRIAGE.

If you continue to have no standards, he will continue to live DOWN to your low standards and you will just die a slow death of a thousand cuts straight to divorce. Is that good for your kids?

Is that the behaviour you want to model for them? That once they get married and have kids they should feel they are obliged to put up with a lousy spouse - instead of striving for, well, a marriage?


I can't believe you are asking him - or give two hoots what his thoughts on the subject are. You should be informing him it is a requirement for him to stay in the house. Informing him that it is already booked and he is expected to attend.

Not only will he sit it but he will PASS it - or find somewhere else to live.

Then saying OK - when he says the lateness of the hour is more important!

His respect for you doesn't get you much currency does it? He knows you are not currently serious about tackling him and that to dodge you is easy.

Listen - you don't need him to be refreshed and awake - because it isn't a discussion and there's no need for him to have any thoughts. It's a notification. In or out.