I would listen to Melody if I were you. You are very lucky she is helping you. I sent my sister here in 2009 and prayed ML would help her because I had been here long enough at that point to know she is the best on this site for walking a person through exposure and killing an affair if at all possible.

By the way my sister did kill her H's A and they are now recovered.

If you are waiting for a time when it feels "right" or "good" to expose, then that is a mistake.

Exposure is scary.

Ask me how I know! I have been through it 2 times myself (yes both times killed my ex's affairs but I couldn't possibly stay married to him any longer) and I have been through it with my little sister.

You do it anyway. You are scared but you do it anyway.

We are here to help you.

Can I just say, here, that I have never understood a person needing to be convince to expose?

The first time I exposed I hadn't even known about MB. I just felt in my heart and soul that my ex-H's affair and sneaking around needed to be shared with our family. I wanted their support and I couldn't possibly keep that a secret for him. Why should I??

He is the one doing something wrong. Not you.

Plan exposure and get it done:

Melody lane has exposure thread linked in her messages in red.

Read through her exposure letters and fill in the blanks and add any more information specific to your situation.

Start with letter 'friends and family'

Come back here once you have it written and show us what you wrote. You'll get edititorial help if necessary.

Make a list of friends and family the letter will go to thru email and Facebook.
Make a list of friends and family you will be calling, or seeing in person.
Make a list of OW friends and family to expose to
Make a list of all employees
Forward the exposure letter via email list.
Forward letter to Facebook people.
Make the calls
Visit those you want to speak to in person.

Do all these exposure in a very short time frame like a day

Remember there will be fallout. Anger and words of blame.

It's fog babble and more gaslighting which your husband has done for years

Welcome to MB, Ginger.

Do you have children with WH?

Is this a first marriage for both of you?

I spoke with him again this morning. He asked me about the garage. A month ago he was given the paperwork, check, and all the paperwork/account book for the restaurant. He hasn't gone through any of it, and of course blamed me for it.

So this will be gttetting done soon, and I'm worried about the timing of the exposure/plan b, and him being here to fix the garage.

I asked him for additional funds in my account, and he said he would try to do it today. My guess is he hasn't even balanced the books either, so he doesn't know what's in the account. No bills are being paid either.

Are you on the restaurant bank account?

It sounds like your WH is doing a fine job of ruining your business together himself, failing to pay bills and using cash to pay for OW. How could exposure POSSIBLY make that worse???

You need to stop worrying about how he thinks so much. He is in a *fog* and he is not thinking rationally. It is like worrying about what a falling down drunk thinks.

It is almost laughable that he thinks you are trying to hurt him (while he is having an affair right in front of you) and that you are trying to ruin his business when he is not even paying the bills right now. But that is the irrational thought process of an addict in the fog. That is exactly why you should pay absolutely no attention to what he thinks.

Stop trying to understand his thinking - he doesn't have any. Affairs are addictions and until they die and they go through withdrawal he will think, talk and act like he is drunk. Except when the A is in danger when he will become eerily crafty and a convincing liar.

Yet people DO recover But only after exposure makes hiding from things impossible!

Every former wayward on this forum attributes their wake up moment to exposure.



I know it is hard but you MUST be brave. You must not care what people say - though most people are tremendously supportive when they know it ALL.

If anyone is unsupportive - then you will know which people are damaging your marriage and that is important information to have.



Once you've seen a few stories on here you will be convinced.

I've been here since 2012 In that time I have seen a 100pc failure rate with people who refuse to expose. I have not once seen even one remorseful wayward in that situation - the addiction is too strong to resist when they allowed to keep it a secret. Without significant all around support the BS also gets quite haggard and sick - and unable to compete (which a smart woman will refuse to do). We've even heard of them losing the kids to the APs in non-exposure situations.

Of success stories - some immediate successes with a remorseful wayward are had - and 95 pc of exposed affairs end in 2 years (some much sooner). Dr H advises a BS to call it quits after two years because the odds are q good up until that deadline.

Of course affairs are doomed even without exposure - but exposure speeds things up. It also keeps you afloat - and stops friends sending you dumb pics!

If you do recover you will need to ban all the unsupportive people. So give them a CHANCE to support you. Their loss if they do not.

Reocvery is likely as As do not last - what we do ensures it will be a REAL recovery and not a fake - and that it will happen soon.

I know of two RL affairs that lasted decades - they still ended badly but the APs were keeping up 'soul mate' appearances after ditching their families (which doesn't happen with exposure because they lose that straight off).

Exposure is beneficial no matter what. Please do not second guess it.

Just accept now that he will be no use at all and will actually prevent work getting done no matter what you do.

The husband you knew is not there.



Is that somehow worse than breaking up a marriage? I would keep it very simple and stick to the facts as you know them. Over explanation of 'why it is wrong' makes you sound weak and defensive - and no one needs it spelling out for them.

The template letters do this perfectly without any fluff. Just make sure to include 'heart broken family' and he left you all to pursue affair which has been going on for xxx amount of time.

Change your FB pic to a nice family one...

Ok, so I'm planning to start exposure this afternoon!

On a positive, I just got back from my job interview, and it went REALLY well! I guess after being out of the official workforce since 2003, I really do still have some valuable skills!! Yay me!! Please cross your fingers for me that I get it. I want to be able to become independent again! They are hiring two people.

Someone asked if I have access to the business bank account, and yes, I do. I watch it daily.

I'm also planning to change the locks on the door, he wanted to come here today while I was gone, and I told him I wasn't comfortable with that.

For the exposure, I will just be using a template letter shown in the Exposure thread.

Also planning to order the Survive An Affair book today too.

You know, after all the fear about exposing, I kind of feel hopeful about it now. He pissed me off today! Maybe I'm finally starting to feel anger.

Question. When I send the exposure letters out, can I include that picture of the two of them that I was sent, as proof?

Why don't you just withdraw some money...it is your money too and you should protect your finances. You don't need his permission and should have some money set aside before exposure in case he cuts you off which is very likely.

Yes you can include the picture if you want. They live together don't they?

I don't know if you didn't see these, but could you please answer them. Thanks

No, we do not have any children, this is my first marriage, and his 3rd.

Two more questions.

1. By me sending letters to the OW's friends, can I get in trouble legally, since technically, I am co-owner of the restaurant she is working at?

2. What do I do if he calls me after these exposure letters start going out? Should I avoid his calls?

Why did his others marriages end? Did you meet him before he was divorced from his second wife?

No, I did not meet him before either divorce, I came into the picture well after that. I would never allow myself to be that type of woman. Even before this, I couldn't imagine the pain that would cause.

As he told me, his first wife cheated on him, and they both admitted, they were very young at the time. But he had the OW (#2) already waiting in the wings his first wife told me, and refused to work on it. But she was with someone else, and ended up marrying him.

My H admitted to me several times that he knew that #2 woman was a huge mistake, the marriage lasted 6 months.......a total time of 2 years. Wife #1 never fought for their marriage like I am though.