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All,
Looking for advice on bringing closure to leaving a former girl friend. We were very close over the last year, living together, and were planning a life together. However, there were a few issues we couldn't solve (with counseling) that we both knew would be a problem. I left her just over a month ago, and we both knew the end was coming. I cared for her deeply and need to get past that and put her behind me. We have agreed to not contact each other, only as necessary to avoid seeing each other at place we both patronize, and have not seen, talked or emailed each other since we parted.
I'm with another lady, whom I've always cared about, and used to be married to. We have both turned over a new leaf, cleaned the slate and starting over, with a ton of great memories. She is very sympathetic and understand, but I don't want to burden her with my past relationship, but instead, promote an understanding and caring between us that will be meaningful.
Goal is to get the old girlfriend out of my mind. I am trying to keep busy, exercise, don't to things that remind me of her, but almost impossible.
Other thoughts?
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All,
I'm with another lady, whom I've always cared about, and used to be married to. This is quite a way of minimizing your former marriage. How long were you married? How long have you been divorced? What was the reason for your divorce? Starting your relationship with ex-wife again while still pining over ex gf is not really starting out with a 'clean slate' is it?
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Having no contact with your former girlfriend and avoiding places that you have memories with her is the best step to getting her out of your mind. However, that will still take some time and it does not appear you have been patient with that.
Why are you jumping into a new (old) relationship so quickly?
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I'm with another lady, whom I've always cared about, and used to be married to. This is a very strange attitude to marriage. You make her sound like just an old girlfriend. If you cared about her why divorce? Then return to her as soon as this latest woman doesnt work out? Did you meet this new gf while still married?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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First, I hate to hijack someone else's thread, perhaps should start another, but not ready, as I like to read a bit more. Yes, I'm the man, GF is single. We both have grown kids. Mine has suggested I leave my spouse at times, and I should have, years ago. I've been living with a substance abusing wife that I have put up with, and she and I have fought this for years, unsuccessfully. I decided that virtually half of my life I can live alone when she's abusing, until I got involved with my GF, whom I've known as a friend for several years. It's opened a new look on life that I'm not willing to give up. And yes, I need all the help I can get. She is not a "GF". She is the OW. And I really don't appreciate the reference to your BW's substance abuse. I had a husband that cheated on me, lovebusted, lied and gaslighted me over the course of several years and I managed not to step outside the marriage, even during the course of our separation when none of my ENs were being met. Thanks for the reply. Not sure what you mean by "really don't appreciate the reference to your BW's substance abuse", is it inappropriate to mention that? That is the reason for a failed marriage. Yes, understand what you mean by the OW... learning these acronyms is hard. There you go. Is she still drinking and do you plan on cheating again?
me, DH
5 children
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Is this the wife you were talking about? Did you divorce her? How did you get back together with her, and why? Melody,
No, I can't bring my wife here, she will not participate. I'm not interested in saving the marriage at this point. It has been over for years, I was just to blind to formally end it. Life will be better for both of us on the other side. Yes, she will be told, I need a bit of time to just recover.
First, while I can appreciate your concern for her "her welfare is the main concern".... where is the concern for the abused husband that has to put up with an abusing spouse that ruins more than half of the quality of life, destroys lots of family events, trips, dinners to the point the husband just has to leave the house? The embarrassment of dragging her home after some event apologizing for her behavoir? Worrying about her hurting herself (and me)? Don't get me wrong, I didn't come here looking for sympathy, I came for knowledge, to guide my life, which I got and am grateful for, even though I didn't get much support here, I do appreciate the help. However, there's two sides of the story.
We went through the whole thing this morning. She knew, to a point and was very understanding for a moment. I told her the details, how I felt and why I justified it, and she still understood. There were no tears, there was no conflict, I expected a bit more controversy, but didn't happen, until she tried to kick me. It was very strange. However, it's over, and she understands that.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Sir I suggest that you drop both of the women and be single.
For a couple years.
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You have absolutely no business being in a relationship with anyone right now. 
BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014
In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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I guess my post here is not going to bring help, a lot of criticism, and that's not what I thought this forum was about.
A few facts:
Yes, I met the old GF while I was married.... I've known her for years.
Yes, I divorced... on friendly terms.
Yes, I always had a space in my heart for my wife, regardless of our issues.
Yes, the GF did not work out as expected, and we ran into problems that could not be solved. We both knew it.
Yes, both myself and the ex wife have changed dramatically and are both willing to clean the slate and start over. (Yes, the slate is clean between US, which is important. We have had full disclosure to each other about everything and have agreed that we both have faults and agreed to put them in the past, not to be brought up again unless it's only to learn from)
No, I am not going to live alone... we both did that and neither one of us were happy. We can recover together, that's not the issue of this discussion, however.
So, the only goal I have regarding the ex GF is to forget her and get her out of my mind. Just exploring all possibilities to accomplish that. I'm not going to dig up the past, that's over. Thank you for only positive comments.
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Sir the best way to predict the future is to examine and understand the past.
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Most affairs don't last so the breakup is not surprising to us. If you are trying to reconcile with your wife, Perhaps this should be moved to Surviving an Affair?
Have you read the book, Surviving An Affair, yet?
Last edited by apples123; 05/13/15 04:40 PM.
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Are you still living in the same town? Have social media? Live in the same home? Have mementos?
Any of these could trigger your affair feelings.
Is your ex-wife still an alcoholic? If so, you should stay away.
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I guess my post here is not going to bring help, a lot of criticism, and that's not what I thought this forum was about.
A few facts:
Yes, I met the old GF while I was married.... I've known her for years. so it started as an emotionAl affair and became physical .
Yes, I divorced... on friendly terms.after an affair and alcoholism? This is not a reality based judgment. You were probably just relieved to be away from the conflicts. Alsoyou probably are still a little foggy from the affair
Yes, I always had a space in my heart for my wife, regardless of our issues.
Yes, the GF did not work out as expected, and we ran into problems that could not be solved. We both knew it.expected outcome for an affair
Yes, both myself and the ex wife have changed dramatically and are both willing to clean the slate and start over. (Yes, the slate is clean between US, which is important. We have had full disclosure to each other about everything and have agreed that we both have faults and agreed to put them in the past, not to be brought up again unless it's only to learn from)
No, I am not going to live alone... we both did that and neither one of us were happy. We can recover together, that's not the issue of this discussion, however.so you want to reconcile! Great! Why don't you do the online program and all of the steps for SAA?
So, the only goal I have regarding the ex GF is to forget her and get her out of my mind. Just exploring all possibilities to accomplish that. I'm not going to dig up the past, that's over. Thank you for only positive comments.
Last edited by apples123; 05/13/15 05:09 PM.
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So, the only goal I have regarding the ex GF is to forget her and get her out of my mind. . That's great news! Welcome to MB. Its a very different process to forget an affair partner than an ordinary gf. It's entirely possible but you have to treat the OW as an addiction - great as a fantasy not good at reality. Dr H recommends non contact with all former lovers (and no opposite sex friends either) but recovery from an affair is very specific. Lots of success stories of post affair recovery here - but if people deviate even one step the plan does not work. We know what she was. But if you expect help we need you to be candid. It really is very obvious. I urge you to read the threads of other former wayward husbands who are able to hold their hands up and fix it - gloveoil is a good example.
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/13/15 05:29 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Sir the best way to predict the future is to examine and understand the past. Jedi, You're absolutely right. We did that in detail and it's behind us now.
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Sir the best way to predict the future is to examine and understand the past. Jedi, You're absolutely right. We did that in detail and it's behind us now. How long has she been sober for?
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Home, welcome back! Whenever I thought about reconciling with my ex, this came to mind, From Abusive Marriage #1At first, your husband will be very angry with you, and may even file for divorce. While separated, there is even the risk that he may have an affair. But if your marriage has any hope of surviving, he won't divorce you and he won't have an affair. Instead, he will recognize the role he has played in your depression, and he will begin to take the steps that will make him the husband he should have been all along. My XH didn't respond to my plans to separate with taking steps to be the husband he should have been. He said if I wanted him out, I had to divorce him, and then within 6 months of the divorce IIRC he was back with an old girlfriend. Of nothing changes, nothing changes. What kind of work have you and your XW done, that you know you are both ready for a relationship? Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders is a quick read and will help you tell. The biggest clue is whether either of you are willing to gain at the other's expense. How do you each respond to complaints? I understand it's hard on each of you to be alone. But if your marriage is unsustainable, you're just going to be in the same situation again.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Sir the best way to predict the future is to examine and understand the past. Jedi, You're absolutely right. We did that in detail and it's behind us now. How long has she been sober for? She has been sober for 14 1/2 months. I realize there is no guarantee, but I feel this is significant for her. She is the kind of person that sets her mind to something, she does it, and does it well. She is also the kind of person that is worth working with and supporting. She is also very generous and understanding. The main problem is behind us, but we will still have day to day challenges. We are MUCH more connected and everyday is a step forward. I feel that we are both stubborn enough to make this work. My main issue and goal is to make her happy. A second goal is to forget about the past, which is the purpose of this thread, which I would still like any advise and help on. I've already got a lot of counseling, and done a lot of research on how to get over the past relationship and put things behind me. I don't dwell on that with my "new" relationship, but she is extremely supportive. Any help along those lines is appreciated.
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Looking for advice on bringing closure to leaving a former girl friend. We were very close over the last year, living together, and were planning a life together...I left her just over a month ago.
I'm with another lady, whom I've always cared about, and used to be married to WOW! You sure don't waste anytime jumping from one relationship from another. My advice is to change your goal and learn how to be happy with life as a single man for awhile.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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No, I am not going to live alone... we both did that and neither one of us were happy. We can recover together, that's not the issue of this discussion, however.
So, the only goal I have regarding the ex GF is to forget her and get her out of my mind. Just exploring all possibilities to accomplish that. I'm not going to dig up the past, that's over. Thank you for only positive comments. Nevermind...I see you are set on living with someone. Good luck to you.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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