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How do I explain this to my 9 and 7 year old? They already ask why we dont have playdates there anymore....
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We have been married 11 years in June and have 2 small children. Okay, thanks for that info. He has always had boundary issues and had joked about "her" good looks before but I blew it off. Part of that checklist that Melody provided includes building extraordinary precautions for your marriage from here on out. By implementing EPs, an affair can never happen again. She was a dear friend who was confiding in me about her marriage issues for the past year. We have emailed and she tells me sorry in a million ways and regrets it all. Blah, blah, blah. Am I weak for staying? I am going against what I warned him I would do if he had an affair! NO you aren't weak for staying. But if you decide to leave, no one will fault you for that choice either. I want to point out that part of Dr. H's recovery from affair checklist includes no further contact with the other woman. That includes contact with you also. You need to clear out anything that will remind you of the affair (including your "friend") so that you can fall back into love with your husband.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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Yes, my husband has always traveled the world for his job....this spring is super busy. Today when I found out he said he is coming home tomorrow (he just got there today). I dont believe him....we will see tomorrow. I am sure he will have some excuse for not being able to come home.
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How do I explain this to my 9 and 7 year old? They already ask why we dont have playdates there anymore.... Here Exposing to Children
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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How do I explain this to my 9 and 7 year old? They already ask why we dont have playdates there anymore.... Tell them their dad had an affair with OW. Explain to them that adultery is immoral and the affair has hurt you deeply.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, my husband has always traveled the world for his job....this spring is super busy. Today when I found out he said he is coming home tomorrow (he just got there today). I dont believe him....we will see tomorrow. I am sure he will have some excuse for not being able to come home. Traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs. Are you reading my posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have not told anyone! We have the same friends and are new to town and its a small town so people would have to pick sides and my little kids would find out. My Mom is too old to deal with this and she relies on him for help around her house....my brothers would freak!!! I think he should tell his Dad though. He is a kind man who would be a good listener for him. We have been married almost 11 years. tracygrace, I am not wanting to come off as unkind, but you truly do NOT get how addictive affairs are. Read a bit of my thread if you want to see what happens when someone chooses not to expose. Your kids NEED to find out. This is something that will affect them for the remainder of their lives (and they no-doubt already feel the emotion and know that something is wrong...and are blaming it on themselves). My Dad was 82 and had just lost my Mom when I (finally!) exposed. Do you want to protect your friends and small town from having to "pick sides"? Or do you want to save your marriage?
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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tracygrace,
You wrote How do I explain this to my 9 and 7 year old? They already ask why we dont have playdates there anymore....
On the MB radio show they explained it like this, infidelity is just like any other sever trauma, you wouldn't keep it a secret that their grandparent died or someone has cancer.
You also have no obligation to lie for your WHs benefit, having to keep all of this inside of yourself with no support will destroy your mental state.
An affair is an addiction and the separation needs to be complete and for life.
Gamma
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"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow, this is a ton of info 6 hour in to the knowledge that my husband is a cheating idiot. I need to reread all of this...many times. Lol. I am scared and alone. I hope he does fly home tomorrow and make good on some promises for a change. He is a classic over promise, under deliver guy for everything...always saying yes to the kids and me and then reality sets in. Anyway, this foum helps.
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Yes, my husband has always traveled the world for his job....this spring is super busy. Today when I found out he said he is coming home tomorrow (he just got there today). I dont believe him....we will see tomorrow. I am sure he will have some excuse for not being able to come home. You won't be able to put this affair to rest and rebuild your marriage unless your husband gives up travelling TODAY, for ever, or you travel with him, for ever. You should expose the affair as recommended, because your children and everybody who knows you should know that the reason your marriage ended was because your H had an affair. But unless you are willing to insist on his not travelling, you might as well accept the end of your marriage, right now. If he has "always travelled the world for his job", then, sadly, you need to realise that this affair is much more than a one-off that happened a year ago. It is a long-term, deeply embedded, alternative marriage for him. You should also accept that there have probably been other affairs.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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tracy,
You're very lucky you landed here, many people end up here only after they've botched their recovery.
Read the threads here they will give you great perspective and I believe some relief.
Gamma
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I just found out that my husband slept with my best friend of 10 years. At first they were caught kissing by her husband and they only addmitted to that. 5 months later he hesitated when I joked they may have slept together and then admitted it. I am devastated! She was a best friend. We traveled together and our kids were friends. He wants to stay married, doesnt love her and is full of regret. I am scared, alone and worried about our kids. We did counseling a few months ago before I knew the whole story. I just dont know anymore. I always told him that sex would be a tipping point for our marriage. Guess he didnt care Where did they have sex? Did he tell you he was travelling, but in fact, booked into a hotel with her, or did she travel with him?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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How do I explain this to my 9 and 7 year old? They already ask why we dont have playdates there anymore.... Tell them their dad had an affair with OW. Explain to them that adultery is immoral and the affair has hurt you deeply. Yes. This. ^^ By the way, please don't have your husband expose (as in tell his Dad). YOU need to tell everyone yourself, including his Dad. Othwerwise, people will get the watered down version from your husband. Have you read what Dr. Harley says about couples ever spending the night apart?
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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She lives one town over.... You're going to have to change your entire lifestyles, if you want this marriage to stand a chance. He is going to have to change jobs, and you are going to need to move far away. Your kids will have to cut contact with her kids. There is no point his coming home, and even staying home without travelling again, if he can pop out to a hotel for a bit of nookie in his lunch break from work.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Please read this. Traveling Jobs
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: May 2015
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I dont know all of the details of the affair yet b/c I just found out this afternoon and he is in Germany for work. Kids came home from school and it was impossible to talk and frankly I wasnt in the right mindset to say anything except...pack your bags sucker. I will find out when and where it happened and how many times b/c I need that timeline for myself. I will also think about telling close family & friends but am not sure about the kids. I will need to think on that more. We dont yell and scream at each other so they dont see that....
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I dont know all of the details of the affair yet b/c I just found out this afternoon and he is in Germany for work. Kids came home from school and it was impossible to talk and frankly I wasnt in the right mindset to say anything except...pack your bags sucker. I will find out when and where it happened and how many times b/c I need that timeline for myself. I will also think about telling close family & friends but am not sure about the kids. I will need to think on that more. We dont yell and scream at each other so they dont see that.... I would tell your kids right away. They surely sense the tension and it is harmful to not tell them. This is pertinent information about their life that they must know. If you don't tell them the truth, they will imagine the worst and they will be vulnerable to the stories your husband tells. Keeping this affair a secret for your husband and his girlfriend is a strategic mistake. I don't think you have really thought that strategy through carefully.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I dont know all of the details of the affair yet b/c I just found out this afternoon and he is in Germany for work. Kids came home from school and it was impossible to talk and frankly I wasnt in the right mindset to say anything except...pack your bags sucker. I will find out when and where it happened and how many times b/c I need that timeline for myself. I will also think about telling close family & friends but am not sure about the kids. I will need to think on that more. We dont yell and scream at each other so they dont see that.... So it will be utterly baffling for them when their father arrives home having only just left, and you lock yourselves away to talk, and you look tearful and he looks guilty and anxious, and clearly there is a crisis...and you don't tell them why. You will make things WORSE for them by not telling, instead of better, They probably already know that something happened today and you are upset. They will definitely know over the next 24 hours. If you fob them off with the pretence that nothing is wrong, and you and Daddy are just talking, you will send their anxiety levels off the chart. That is cruel to them. Tell them calmly now, while your H isn't there, before they start having nightmares about what could be wrong.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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