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I would go to her and tell her that you have a plan for restoring the love in your marriage, if she is willing to try. You need to sell this as a way for you BOTH to have your needs met and have a marriage of extraordinary care.
If she is willing, sign up for the online MB course. You will have an accountability coach who will help you work through the MB program in a way that is specific to your needs. You will also have access to Dr Harley himself on the private forum.
This is the single greatest way to work this program and learn it inside and out, while being held accountable to applying it on a daily basis to your marriage.
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We went to our first counseling (round 4) and the counselor basically told me to back off and give her some room to breathe. while that is hard for me sometimes, I work at it to be compliant. Traditional counselors are ineffective at saving marriages. You would be better off doing the online program through MB, who IS effective at saving marriages. Nobody on these forums gets a dime for telling you that either, we do it because we have all been a part of the program and have experienced how effective it is when applied. Backing off and giving her room to breathe is not the answer. She is withdrawn and that will only cause her to withdraw further.
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If you have familiarized yourself with the program, than you are aware of EN's and love busters. (BTW Dr Harley does not define 'defensiveness' as a love buster) If you are aware of your wife's EN's, then start meeting them. Avoid love busting at all cost, these have basically drained her love for you.
What can you do to meet her EN's TODAY?
Last edited by unwritten; 06/03/15 05:03 PM.
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This past weekend, I was moving some furniture and found a briefcase that I hadn't seen in over 10 years. Inside were letters from her. First, the letter she wrote asking me for a divorce in 2004. The rest were from the same period. The part that ripped me up inside was that her complaints in the 11 year old letters were basically the same as today. I cried over that realization. Although painful to read and realize that you have seriously neglected her complaints, this is helpful for you going forward. You basically can see in writing her exact complaints about you. You can use them to identify the EN's you were failing to meet and meet them, and the LB's you were committing that you need to avoid. Read these complaints and change your behavior to accommodate them.
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I would go to her and tell her that you have a plan for restoring the love in your marriage, if she is willing to try. You need to sell this as a way for you BOTH to have your needs met and have a marriage of extraordinary care.
If she is willing, sign up for the online MB course. You will have an accountability coach who will help you work through the MB program in a way that is specific to your needs. You will also have access to Dr Harley himself on the private forum.
This is the single greatest way to work this program and learn it inside and out, while being held accountable to applying it on a daily basis to your marriage. I appreciate your suggestion. I have been thinking about that. I am afraid that won't be so much unwilling as unable to devote the time. She is a Director Level Manager at a hospital and just entered an 18 month graduate course of study. She "literally" has no free time. I would be afraid that she would push my suggestion aside for the other issues. How would I deal with that?
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We went to our first counseling (round 4) and the counselor basically told me to back off and give her some room to breathe. while that is hard for me sometimes, I work at it to be compliant. Backing off and giving her room to breathe is not the answer. She is withdrawn and that will only cause her to withdraw further. I am concerned about this. All she has asked me for was to back off and let give her time to sort out her feelings. When I don't back off and want to engage her, she says I am disrespecting her. Isn't this a Catch-22?
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What can you do to meet her EN's TODAY? Considering the limited time that I have with her (I sometimes work nights) and her crunched time schedule, I'm not sure what ENs I would have a chance to meet. I know that I let her use me as a sounding board for her day. I make her coffee in the mornings, compliment her outfit and give her positive encouragement when she remarks that things are piling up on her and she is afraid she will fail. What else would y'all suggest?
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This past weekend, I was moving some furniture and found a briefcase that I hadn't seen in over 10 years. Inside were letters from her. First, the letter she wrote asking me for a divorce in 2004. The rest were from the same period. The part that ripped me up inside was that her complaints in the 11 year old letters were basically the same as today. I cried over that realization. Although painful to read and realize that you have seriously neglected her complaints, this is helpful for you going forward. You basically can see in writing her exact complaints about you. You can use them to identify the EN's you were failing to meet and meet them, and the LB's you were committing that you need to avoid. Read these complaints and change your behavior to accommodate them. Initially, I saw these letters as proof that I didn't do what I said I would do. She has verbalized concerns that my commitment to correct wrong behavior wouldn't last. She is afraid of getting back on the roller coaster. Regardless, I will use the information found in the letters to tailor my actions to meet those needs. I just have to avoid LBs and disrespect. I have a bad habit of pushing my own agenda from time to time.
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[
Considering the limited time that I have with her (I sometimes work nights) and her crunched time schedule, I'm not sure what ENs I would have a chance to meet. I know that I let her use me as a sounding board for her day. I make her coffee in the mornings, compliment her outfit and give her positive encouragement when she remarks that things are piling up on her and she is afraid she will fail. What else would y'all suggest? I would strongly suggest changing your work schedule so you are with her as much as possible. Because you can't have a marriage if you work/live opposing schedules. And you certainly won't be able to create an integrated, romantic marriage if you are working nights. All of the above efforts are nice, but won't sustain a marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Initially, I saw these letters as proof that I didn't do what I said I would do. She has verbalized concerns that my commitment to correct wrong behavior wouldn't last. She is afraid of getting back on the roller coaster.
Regardless, I will use the information found in the letters to tailor my actions to meet those needs. I just have to avoid LBs and disrespect. I have a bad habit of pushing my own agenda from time to time. That sounds like a great start! And keep in mind that every time you love bust her, you UNDO about a months worth of good behavior and push her farther and farther away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess my question now is....How do I get her to want to try MB when she barely has time for herself? Having read much of the web site and listened to the radio shows, I truly believe that it has given me a better perspective of my issues and how to address them in their simplest form. I believe that by using these tools, we can rebuild this to better than it has ever been.
Tomorrow, our youngest graduates from high school. She will be leaving for school in the fall. This will be a very emotional day for my wife and I. How am I to be there for her without making it look like I am pushing her? If you read a bit back, it bit me in the butt earlier.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I went back and didn't miss anything. which one are you referring to? Sorry, I'm a little nervous
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Considering the limited time that I have with her (I sometimes work nights) and her crunched time schedule, I'm not sure what ENs I would have a chance to meet. I know that I let her use me as a sounding board for her day. I make her coffee in the mornings, compliment her outfit and give her positive encouragement when she remarks that things are piling up on her and she is afraid she will fail. What else would y'all suggest? I would strongly suggest changing your work schedule so you are with her as much as possible. Because you can't have a marriage if you work/live opposing schedules. And you certainly won't be able to create an integrated, romantic marriage if you are working nights. All of the above efforts are nice, but won't sustain a marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, I read that one. I'm looking but haven't found anything yet. I'm out 2 or 3 nights a week right now. Sometimes less. Even when I am home, her attention is focused on her graduate courses. We can literally go days without saying much more than hi and bye. This is an 18 month program. Am I not seeing the opportunity here?
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Yes, I read that one. I'm looking but haven't found anything yet. I'm out 2 or 3 nights a week right now. Sometimes less. Even when I am home, her attention is focused on her graduate courses. We can literally go days without saying much more than hi and bye. This is an 18 month program. Am I not seeing the opportunity here? Ok, I understand her attention is focused elsewhere. But in order to focus it on your marriage, you have to BE THERE. Couples who have opposing lifestyles always have problems in their marriages. In order to turn this around, you need to be available to each other in the evenings, go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time. You need to set up your lifestyle so you CAN do that. Do you not see that you have to be there in the evening to turn this around?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do see that. As I look to change the employment status, what else could you suggest?
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I do see that. As I look to change the employment status, what else could you suggest? A good question to ask yourself would be "does this job complement my marriage?" Automatic deal breakers should be overnight travel, evening shifts, night shifts, for example. And in the meantime, I would strive to be as attractive as possible. Absolutely no love busters. Be supportive and kind. Look for opportunities to ask her out on dates.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There is no overnight travel. My job is unique. I work from home managing teams that do valet trash collection service at apartment complexes.
A long standing complaint from her was that I never did anything around the house. Since starting this job (Nov 2014), I have the time to do the things that need to be done around the house (yard, laundry, cooking, straightening, shopping, etc...). By her own admission, this made her furious. It shocked her that she focused more on "why now" versus "i'm glad he's doing it".
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A long standing complaint from her was that I never did anything around the house. Since starting this job (Nov 2014), I have the time to do the things that need to be done around the house (yard, laundry, cooking, straightening, shopping, etc...). By her own admission, this made her furious. It shocked her that she focused more on "why now" versus "i'm glad he's doing it". The goal will be to try and spend time with her. On dates. That is where I would focus. For me, I don't want a man doing things in the house and it sounds like she doesn't either. Even if she did, that would never restore the love in your marriage. I realize she doesn't want much to do with you now, but if you will eliminate love busters, make yourself as pleasant as possible and look for opportunities to take her out, you will have a chance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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