Could it be with a woman? We have seen many, many affairs with same sex partners.

maybe, but I don't see any trails of communication on cell/email/laptop records. All the people she hangs out with are married moms with kids. She does have a best friend that is single and is dating a man that's separated. Maybe my wife is patterning herself after her since she's single and living the life?

Unless the PI can uncover something, but it's looking pretty slim there is an OW/OM.

I think she's just so fed up with me and is done. I'll defer to the veterans here, but looks like filling up her "love bank" is the only solution here, absent an OW/OM? Using Dr. Harley's 3 stages model, she's Withdrawn, and sometimes I see some slight movement to the Conflict stage (which is a good sign, means she cares). She's also exhibiting Taker actions, which is probably an extreme over-reaction due to years of Giving. So any suggestions to move her away from a Taker and Withdraw is best?

thank you everyone for the support.

The fact she feels sorry for you but is adamant and is yet having you analysed....reeks of some one in an affair. It can happen to anyone.

People who believe that only certain types of people have affairs are actually the most vulnerable. These people are not vigilant around the opposite sex because they trust themselves. Anybody can have an affair. When it happens to the person it is so shocking to that person's conscience that they demonize and attack their spouse in addition to betraying them. If they can convince themselves the affair is a reasonable response to what they now think of as a bad spouse, rather than betrayed spouse, it helps ward off guilt. They rewrite history because they cannot contemplate being a bad person. Much as you cannot contemplate an affair. Which are very commonplace things - 60pc of marriages!

Affairs are vulnerable things though. If it is an affair you can bust it up and heal it. It is not at all hopeless.

Stay vigilant and make the correct diagnosis.

[quote=penumbra]

Unless the PI can uncover something, but it's looking pretty slim there is an OW/OM./quote]

What are you talking about, she has practically admitted it to you!

I'd say there was a slim chance she isn't.

Please put this all aside and stop speculating. Hire the PI and find out for sure. Then you can proceed on that basis.

Men are especially eager to take accountability for 100% of the problems in their marriages because it gives them a false feeling of control. Don't be blinded by that desire. It is very important that you diligently investigate to get the facts. Once you have the facts, we can help you with a plan for recovery.

Has she told you that she loves you? What are her feelings about that?

She gave me the "I Love You, but I'm not in Love with you."

I figured as much. That means she has a new point of comparison.

That means she is IN LOVE with someone and is comparing her feelings for you to those feelings. When people fall out of love, they diligently try to fall back in love. When they are in love with someone new, they don't try.

Yes, I can see how people would want that, to fill the void. I've left the PI a voicemail so hopefully he calls me back after memorial day.

My wife did say one of her female friend's family is perfect in her eyes. Said it many times. Husband is a doctor, making $300K/year, wife is 26, living the dream and not working. So maybe she thinks she can swing that, so she's jumping ship and taking her chances. I can also see my wife leaving me for someone she hasn't even met yet.

That is not how it happens, but nothing is impossible. This is why it is so critical to really investigate and find out what is going on.

Does your wife work? How is she supporting herself?

yes, she just started work at the end of March. She was looking for work since Sep 2014, and it was her ticket out of here. She works with women at an administrative assistant. Her bosses were female too.

In all honesty, I pushed her to find work too, as an additional source of income. Little did I know, she didn't find work because of me, she found it because it was part of her exit plan. I distinctively remember us talking about how she was going to get a job in Sept. 2014 in a very confident fashion, and once that date came and passed, I would call her out on it, and use it as a soft spot in our arguments. She then said, fine, give me till Nov. 2014, and the date came and passed, and I would use that against her. Then Jan. 2015 etc. Very cruel of me.

Should we call you satan incarnate instead?

I know....

I'm determined turn this around and make my family happy and whole again. Please help me!

thank you

Sorry. This always means affair.

Since no obvious communications she sees him in person regularly, probably daily.

Pen, she was joking. You have some things to make up for but your enthusiasm jumps off the page. There is nothing wrong with your marital attitude.

It was a joke! You are taking the self denigration too far, my friend! There is no excuse to have an affair. If she is having an affair, then she only has herself to blame.

Penumbra,

The "I love you but am not in love with you" statement is very very powerful evidence.

You also wrote that She works with women at an administrative assistant. Her bosses were female too. and that your WW considers some other woman "perfect".

Did you check if your WW is emotionally or sexually involved with another woman??? Is there another woman your WW texts, talks to, or is with excessively? Examine your cell phone bills closely.

Gamma