|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45 |
That phrase used to be a Major Trigger for me. No matter what I did, or how caring I was, still continuously trying to win back the affection from my Wife, that was one of her stock phrases, along with ber saying, "It hurts me that I see you trying so hard, But....."
LTL My wife says that as well, "it hurts me to see you try so hard." If you don't mind, were you able to reconcile with your wife? did she at least give it another shot after all your efforts? thank you
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
That phrase used to be a Major Trigger for me. No matter what I did, or how caring I was, still continuously trying to win back the affection from my Wife, that was one of her stock phrases, along with ber saying, "It hurts me that I see you trying so hard, But....."
LTL My wife says that as well, "it hurts me to see you try so hard." If you don't mind, were you able to reconcile with your wife? did she at least give it another shot after all your efforts? thank you No we didn't. She just moved out without any advance notice the the day before our Sons 9th Birthday, then 1 1/2 weeks later, came home for one night and then was gone for good. In the 1st year, she only visited our Son 5 times and in the following near 2 1/2 years, she has had Zero contact with him. She quickly broke up with the guy she moved out to be with, but found a new soul mate in a bar a couple of months later. Affairs and the adjoining addiction robs these former good spouses and parents of their very essence and soul. LTL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100 |
Thank You everyone. I will find ways to gather evidence, but my heart believes she hasn't strayed. And I'm a very skeptical guy too. She was a stay at home mom that spends all her time raising our child. She just recently started work and she works with women.
My confidence ebbs and flows, which isn't typical of me. I feel stronger now, and read one of her favorite books, ***EDIT*** That made me want to write this letter to my wife:
Dear Jane,
I was going through all of our photos this morning, and I came across these notes you wrote. Please see the attached scans since they belong to you.
As I read each of these notes, I realize you were so much stronger than I had ever thought. I spoke shallow of enduring pain, of knowing how to overcome obstacles, and of having grit, as if I knew what they truly meant; I even told you you didn�t have grit. In these notes, I realized you had been living unhappily for about a year, yet, you managed to find the strength to endure all my poor behaviors. Finding the courage to seek independence, and to provide our son with happiness. I crushed your soul so many times, yet, you have risen above all that weight, and pressure and shined through with your brand of happiness and perseverance. I know it must have been painful to suffer my constant control and strict rules, and to have neglected you. There is so much pain and tears there, and it breaks me to know I have been so cruel and insensitive for so long. Yet, you always put on a happy face.
The pain and shame I�m feeling now, I deserve, and I deserve it a hundred fold. Even then, it won�t compare to what you�ve already gone through. I wished for a Time Machine in the past few weeks to undo my mistake, but now I wish for the same Time Machine to undo your pain instead.
Through this, I feel even more determined. You asked me why I am doing this to myself last night, and while I felt demoralized and pained, I can only remind myself of your strength. Like Marianne Williamson said in her book, A Woman�s Worth, �At every moment, a woman makes a choice: between the state of the queen and the state of the slave girl. In our natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisioned, slaves to our appetites and our will to false power.� You have chosen to be a Queen, and rightfully so, and that husbands can�t help your restore and achieve what you want; that can only come from you. I believe this is your goal and your call to change, as I understand it in the context of this book. If it�s my place, and if you allow me, I want to be a part of your growth, and embrace your strength. I hope through all my poor behaviors, that I did wish for you to be strong and intelligent. I don�t wish for you to be less, or is trying to hold you back from your potential. You, therapists, family, and friends will keep me accountable. If you can change for the better, so can I. Marianne Williamson said �People change. No one is stuck who chooses not to be.� Please note my intentions are pure, and if I stray, let me know. Let my current crisis be my crucible, and I will be a good man. Our son can see us as good examples for his own marriage and future. This I will swear my life on.
Words are easy, actions are truths.
John Hi penumbra, I am not having an affair, never did in my 10+ years of sexless marriage, and like your wife, I tried hard to work on myself, since I can't change others, only myself, right? I tried and tried and tried, read and read and read, gave and gave and gave, and I'm so tired...the terrible thing is realizing that I have accumulated so much hatred for my husband, I have found myself fallen into an emotional abyss. One of your posts mentioned you cruelly baited her about finding a job and her independence...it made me cringe...OUCH....that reminded me very much of the last straw before I moved out, my husband did the same thing to me. He challenged "For a long time you said you were going to move out, why haven't you?", and that steeled my determination to NEVER look back at my marriage. That was an awful emotional blow. It's good you realize how cruel that was. I don't know if your wife is having an affair..if she hasn't, and if she has simply checked out due to years of emotional abandonment and neglect, she might be feeling hopeless about this marriage. Again, I must emphasize that I have never strayed, nor do I intend to start an affair, and I am writing under the assumption that there is no OM in your life. If there is an affair, I understand the protocols are completely different. You are right in that like your wife, I do wonder at times if I can do better, there must be better men out there. This has nothing to do with another real or fantasy man I have met or seen, it stems from a place of self-pity and resentment, and thinking to myself I am not a bad wife/person, don't I deserve better? If my husband had sent me this letter you wrote years ago, I would have been really touched. If I were your wife, I might be skeptical that you could be transformed into another person, the person who will make me genuinely happy and fulfilled, the person who lifts my spirit and who is my soul mate for life. Yet if my husband were to send me such a letter years ago, affirming a life of Love Deposits, vowing to uphold POJA to the letter, I might have given him another chance at salvaging the marriage, even though at the back of my mind, I remain unconvinced. She might not want to see you or talk to you, but she might read your letters...she reads and writes, I suspect she would appreciate a heartfelt note. That FB thing is no-no in my books, it might have seemed to her you're appealing to a supportive public, the court of public opinion, to "prove" how great you are as a husband. She might see it as a self-serving gesture on your part, and nothing to do with paying your dues. If you do anything, it should be for her eyes, her heart and mind only. She needs to be in complete control, so that it's her decision, her call, whether to give you the time of day. It's her turn now. It is through your actions and words that your wife's trust will be slowly won back. No matter what happens, commit to do for her that which she had deserved from you throughout your marriage. It would reduce the strength of her grievance at the very least. Be the very best husband you can be. You might win her back, she might feel she can afford the time to let the marriage have a final go.
Last edited by Gave2Much; 06/07/15 12:30 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100 |
I don't think you should avoid talking about the past, especially if she is holding onto her memories of all the wrongs you've done. You ought to go through each major episode, delineate the pain you have inflicted on her, apologize sincerely, and describe to her what you would have done differently, and what you would do differently in future in order to make her feel secure, respected, honored and loved. Every one of them. This is the only way to heal her emotionally. Her coldness indicates how these episodes and the memory of her trauma hurts her to this day.
And unless you are sure that she is up to it, or could see the humor intended and not take offense, please do NOT joke or clown around. It could be misconstrued as disrespectful. The hurt is real, do not diminish or reduce its importance to her through levity.
Last edited by Gave2Much; 06/07/15 12:47 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100 |
One last thing, don't do it because you want to save the marriage, do it because it's the right thing to do. Do it because you did wrong, because you inflicted untold trauma onto her to the point where she finally found courage, packed up and left, and you should atone for it. Do it because you love her and want her to heal, to help her through her suffering and ease her pain as she walks her lonely walk through her own private hell. Do it because she has been a good wife to you, and you haven't been a good husband to her, and you want to do right by her.
Do it for HER first, no matter how great your desire for reconciliation. Do it so that you can forgive yourself for what you did to derail the marriage. It's about putting her needs first and foremost now, after you have depleted her Love Bank. She tried to encourage herself with these little notes for herself, to get herself through the day. That must have been hard. It's your turn to top it up for her, whether she returns to you.
The only thing I can tell you with any certainty is that the person who inflicts the hurt can never feel the same pain the way the recipient feels.
Your wife said "Too little, too late." So what is it that you are doing too little of? I suspect it's contrition (I see a lot of "non-apologies") and lack of action that genuinely asked for her forgiveness.
Last edited by Gave2Much; 06/07/15 01:52 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45 |
All,
Thank you for all the support. Today, I have an update. My PI was able to intercept a text message exchange between my wife and her therapist. Apparently, her therapist is telling my wife that all my efforts to show affection, building a meditation garden, beautifying the house, and trying to fill her love bank is all predictable behaviors of someone who is controlling and terrible. Her therapist is telling my wife to speed up the divorce process so my wife can start anew and be under "God's will and grace." Note that my wife is NOT religious to start with, but in the text exchange, my wife has become totally religious and has used God many times. While I'm not opposed to this at all, what is alarming to me is how much her therapist has control over my wife and changed her. My wife is clearly seeking her therapist's approval, and has clearly see her as a mother figure.
Turns out it's not an OM, it's her therapist! What do I do now?? I mean, this therapist has clearly told my wife that all my efforts are predictable, and to not heed it! It's making the therapist become almost a clairvoyant in my wife's eyes, and pretty much telling my wife, "I told you he'd do that. Don't believe it."
Is this even ethical? Her therapist has never even met me. How can she be so certain that I'm as terrible and demonic as she's making me out to be? What do I do?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45 |
One last thing, don't do it because you want to save the marriage, do it because it's the right thing to do. Do it because you did wrong, because you inflicted untold trauma onto her to the point where she finally found courage, packed up and left, and you should atone for it. Do it because you love her and want her to heal, to help her through her suffering and ease her pain as she walks her lonely walk through her own private hell. Do it because she has been a good wife to you, and you haven't been a good husband to her, and you want to do right by her.
Do it for HER first, no matter how great your desire for reconciliation. Do it so that you can forgive yourself for what you did to derail the marriage. It's about putting her needs first and foremost now, after you have depleted her Love Bank. She tried to encourage herself with these little notes for herself, to get herself through the day. That must have been hard. It's your turn to top it up for her, whether she returns to you.
The only thing I can tell you with any certainty is that the person who inflicts the hurt can never feel the same pain the way the recipient feels.
Your wife said "Too little, too late." So what is it that you are doing too little of? I suspect it's contrition (I see a lot of "non-apologies") and lack of action that genuinely asked for her forgiveness. Wow, this is really good advice. Thank you, I think you are absolutely correct. I wish I had this advice earlier so I can put this in place. I can do as you've suggested, but my current pressing concern is that my wife's under my therapist's control, and discounting all my efforts... Terrible..
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1 |
I'm going to jump in and probably make people angry at me, but here goes:
Don't do those things for the reasons suggested that amount to self-flaggelation for a separation that you seem to have very little information about the motivations behind. Whatever you have done to your wife that wasn't right is in the past and looking at it from the standpoint of paying penance is a recipe for resentment down the road, even if you do win her back. If you make this about keeping score or righting wrongs, eventually your scorecard and hers will not match up.
So, instead:
Whatever destructive behaviors you identified, stop them because you cannot be a good husband to any woman so long as you are practicing them. So whether your wife comes back to you or not, it is very much in your best interest to stop them since they are destructive.
What positive behaviors you found that were lacking (surely part of your efforts to win her back), do these things because they are habits that will make you a good husband to any woman if you practice them. These are in your best interest to continue and improve on in any case.
And certainly all of that is required to win her back if you can (which really, this is all Plan A stuff anyways...not much different than if there's an affair, other than exposure which will be next up if you/your PI finds something). But take an approach that builds your confidence, not something where you're mentally raking yourself over the coals repeatedly. This is a hard race to run and you need to be/appear strong.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1 |
Also, the presence of a therapist on her side hints at an affair. It would not be the first WW I've seen on here who gets a shrink to try and help them sort out the moral carnage caused by an affair.
I know you're already looking into that, but I wanted to add that.
You're right, what her therapist is doing isn't ethical but her therapist's job isn't to save your marriage, it's to make her clients happy.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 100 |
One last thing, don't do it because you want to save the marriage, do it because it's the right thing to do. Do it because you did wrong, because you inflicted untold trauma onto her to the point where she finally found courage, packed up and left, and you should atone for it. Do it because you love her and want her to heal, to help her through her suffering and ease her pain as she walks her lonely walk through her own private hell. Do it because she has been a good wife to you, and you haven't been a good husband to her, and you want to do right by her.
Do it for HER first, no matter how great your desire for reconciliation. Do it so that you can forgive yourself for what you did to derail the marriage. It's about putting her needs first and foremost now, after you have depleted her Love Bank. She tried to encourage herself with these little notes for herself, to get herself through the day. That must have been hard. It's your turn to top it up for her, whether she returns to you.
The only thing I can tell you with any certainty is that the person who inflicts the hurt can never feel the same pain the way the recipient feels.
Your wife said "Too little, too late." So what is it that you are doing too little of? I suspect it's contrition (I see a lot of "non-apologies") and lack of action that genuinely asked for her forgiveness. Wow, this is really good advice. Thank you, I think you are absolutely correct. I wish I had this advice earlier so I can put this in place. I can do as you've suggested, but my current pressing concern is that my wife's under my therapist's control, and discounting all my efforts... Terrible.. Hi penumbra, If you make these efforts, then I'm really happy for you and for your wife and child, whether they lead to reconciliation, because they will start to right some wrongs and bring balance back to all 3 of you. Here's what you might not want to hear...her therapist may be wrong but she may be right. You did all the predictable little things my H has done, bought some flowers, bought my favorite ice cream, etc. You did the meditation room, etc., so you really tried...but these are still *your* idea of what you think your wife needs. In that sense, you still haven't asked her what *she* needs from you in order to heal. Ironically, maybe her therapist knows... You are way ahead of my H though, in that it has slowly dawned on you the extent of the damage you caused. I don't know your wife and her threshold for forgiveness, but here's my take on my husband's efforts...too little, too late. He did the emotional equivalence of hacking at me with an axe over and over, for years, I left my marriage emotionally because of that. I didn't leave because he didn't buy me ice cream or flowers. I find the ice cream and flowers pathetic as it seems to be he still doesn't "get it", and also at the back of my mind, I am asking "My husband thinks I left because he didn't buy me flowers, really??? Does he think I'm such a small-minded, petty woman leaving a marriage because he did not buy me gifts? A wife who is incapable of giving? He still doesn't understand what he did to me." This is my own train of thought, so I can't speak for your wife, but showing you a possible reason and perspective why your little efforts might have failed. How do you "get it" then? By getting to the level of the abyss that your wife sank into, to commiserate, to feel her pain, to ask her forgiveness for the emotional hacking you did. Your wife went to a therapist because she needed help to get through her personal hell, don't jump to the conclusion that her therapist has some Svengali-like influence over her, your wife would be offended by your presumptions. She seeked out her therapist to help her get through her trauma, you caused her this trauma, not this therapist. Don't come across as blaming the therapist for your wife's feelings and reactions towards you. So yes, in a way, her therapist is right, you tried plastering her wounds with little band-aids, like my husband did, probably like many other husbands, so why not prove her therapist wrong by going much further to help your wife and through that, help yourself and your child? If your wife trusts her therapist, why don't you go to her therapist and ask her to help you help your wife and child? Make her your ally...remember, it's not about you getting your way by wooing her back, it's about you helping your wife to heal first. Her therapist might have a change of heart if she sees you as genuine, and if she truly wants to help your wife. This isn't so different from say, a guilty parent apologizing and asking for forgiveness from an emotionally abandoned child to bring about closure, to help both of them move on. A therapist will surely see this as something positive for the patient. And...if you win her back, be the best husband she can possibly find, don't ever fail her again.
Last edited by Gave2Much; 06/08/15 02:09 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45 |
One last thing, don't do it because you want to save the marriage, do it because it's the right thing to do. Do it because you did wrong, because you inflicted untold trauma onto her to the point where she finally found courage, packed up and left, and you should atone for it. Do it because you love her and want her to heal, to help her through her suffering and ease her pain as she walks her lonely walk through her own private hell. Do it because she has been a good wife to you, and you haven't been a good husband to her, and you want to do right by her.
Do it for HER first, no matter how great your desire for reconciliation. Do it so that you can forgive yourself for what you did to derail the marriage. It's about putting her needs first and foremost now, after you have depleted her Love Bank. She tried to encourage herself with these little notes for herself, to get herself through the day. That must have been hard. It's your turn to top it up for her, whether she returns to you.
The only thing I can tell you with any certainty is that the person who inflicts the hurt can never feel the same pain the way the recipient feels.
Your wife said "Too little, too late." So what is it that you are doing too little of? I suspect it's contrition (I see a lot of "non-apologies") and lack of action that genuinely asked for her forgiveness. Wow, this is really good advice. Thank you, I think you are absolutely correct. I wish I had this advice earlier so I can put this in place. I can do as you've suggested, but my current pressing concern is that my wife's under my therapist's control, and discounting all my efforts... Terrible.. Hi penumbra, If you make these efforts, then I'm really happy for you and for your wife and child, whether they lead to reconciliation, because they will start to right some wrongs and bring balance back to all 3 of you. Here's what you might not want to hear...her therapist may be wrong but she may be right. You did all the predictable little things my H has done, bought some flowers, bought my favorite ice cream, etc. You did the meditation room, etc., so you really tried...but these are still *your* idea of what you think your wife needs. In that sense, you still haven't asked her what *she* needs from you in order to heal. Ironically, maybe her therapist knows... You are way ahead of my H though, in that it has slowly dawned on you the extent of the damage you caused. I don't know your wife and her threshold for forgiveness, but here's my take on my husband's efforts...too little, too late. He did the emotional equivalence of hacking at me with an axe over and over, for years, I left my marriage emotionally because of that. I didn't leave because he didn't buy me ice cream or flowers. I find the ice cream and flowers pathetic as it seems to be he still doesn't "get it", and also at the back of my mind, I am asking "My husband thinks I left because he didn't buy me flowers, really??? Does he think I'm such a small-minded, petty woman leaving a marriage because he did not buy me gifts? A wife who is incapable of giving? He still doesn't understand what he did to me." This is my own train of thought, so I can't speak for your wife, but showing you a possible reason and perspective why your little efforts might have failed. How do you "get it" then? By getting to the level of the abyss that your wife sank into, to commiserate, to feel her pain, to ask her forgiveness for the emotional hacking you did. Your wife went to a therapist because she needed help to get through her personal hell, don't jump to the conclusion that her therapist has some Svengali-like influence over her, your wife would be offended by your presumptions. She seeked out her therapist to help her get through her trauma, you caused her this trauma, not this therapist. Don't come across as blaming the therapist for your wife's feelings and reactions towards you. So yes, in a way, her therapist is right, you tried plastering her wounds with little band-aids, like my husband did, probably like many other husbands, so why not prove her therapist wrong by going much further to help your wife and through that, help yourself and your child? If your wife trusts her therapist, why don't you go to her therapist and ask her to help you help your wife and child? Make her your ally...remember, it's not about you getting your way by wooing her back, it's about you helping your wife to heal first. Her therapist might have a change of heart if she sees you as genuine, and if she truly wants to help your wife. This isn't so different from say, a guilty parent apologizing and asking for forgiveness from an emotionally abandoned child to bring about closure, to help both of them move on. A therapist will surely see this as something positive for the patient. And...if you win her back, be the best husband she can possibly find, don't ever fail her again. Gave2Much, thank you, I really appreciate this perspective since you are right, I jumped to conclusions about my wife's therapist. I feel like I've lost my wife tonight, for good. That hope to try my best had evaporated. She's told me she's forgiven me, and that she feels neutral about me, but she's still pursuing a divorce. When she first left, I asked her what I can do to change for the better, she said nothing, it's too late. Only through her telling me what she's unhappy about via side conversations, and the notes I found did I realize what was lacking, and have set out to change them. I think she sees them, and yet, she still says it's too late. She told me this has been going on for about a year, and while short, I'm sure it was painful. You are right, I'm feeling her pain, but I don't know what to do. Everything I do is being interpreted negatively, as controlling, or as being desperate. I don't feel I am doing either, and the more I demonstrate anything positive, the more it seems to accelerate and solidify her determination for a divorce. It's almost as if she doesn't want to see me being this nice, and she can't wait to stop thinking of me in this way. I told her I'm not in support of the divorce because I believe I can be better. I would only support the divorce if I know I can't meet her needs. She interpreted that as me trying to trap her, and her therapist said that is more proof that I don't love her? In her text to her therapist, she said she's 100% sure she doesn't want a life with me, and that she knows she'll divorce me. She did also tell her therapist, all the things I'm doing physically and emotionally are all the things she had wanted before, but it's too late, and it was as predicted by the therapist. So she wrote them off. My wife told me that her mother didn't leave her marriage, despite her dad fathering two illegitimate children outside of their marriage. My MIL and my therapist both believe that's why my efforts are also not being appreciated. I will keep trying, but I am losing hope... I'm sorry to have let everyone down. All of your time and efforts dedicated to my family... Thank You.
Last edited by penumbra; 06/08/15 03:49 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
penubra, as Dr Harley would probably tell you, an individual counselor is very destructive to marriages. It is a crying shame that your wife is going to a therapist because a therapists goal is NOT to save the marriage but to help the client achieve her personal goals du jour. Those goals are almost always in direct conflict with the marriage, so the marriage is doomed and ends in divorce. And if there is an affair it is even worse, because a therapist only serves to validate goals that are based on an addictive FOGGED out mentality. Even if there is not an affair, you will have to work very hard to overcome this therapists destructive advice. If your wife trusts her therapist, why don't you go to her therapist and ask her to help you help your wife and child? Make her your ally...remember, it's not about you getting your way by wooing her back, it's about you helping your wife to heal first. GAve2much, the goal here is to woo his wife back. That is our purpose and that is what we need to help with him. I am not sure what you mean when you say it is not our goal. It most certainly is. What will "heal" his wife is a great marriage with a supportive husband. This therapist has no earthly idea how to save marriages, so I am not sure why you would suggest he consult with this destructive influence.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[I told her I'm not in support of the divorce because I believe I can be better. I would only support the divorce if I know I can't meet her needs. She interpreted that as me trying to trap her, and her therapist said that is more proof that I don't love her? You should be a broken record and tell her you will not support divorce. Tell her you will support a happy, mutually satisfying marriage where you are both loved and treated with respect. As expected, this therapist has no earthly idea how to save marriages and this is not her goal. She is the enemy of your marriage. You are probably going to end up divorced because of this therapists influence, but you can at least fight for your marriage and show your wife that you have changed. When she realizes that divorce will make her miserable, she may remember the great last impression you made.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[You are right, I'm feeling her pain, but I don't know what to do. Everything I do is being interpreted negatively, as controlling, or as being desperate. I don't feel I am doing either, and the more I demonstrate anything positive, the more it seems to accelerate and solidify her determination for a divorce. It's almost as if she doesn't want to see me being this nice, and she can't wait to stop thinking of me in this way. Let me explain why it is upsetting her.. You are giving her second thoughts about divorce and it is confusing her. She is supposedly divorcing you because you have been horrible. You threw a wrench into that plan by changing your behavior. You need to stick with it. You don't want to purposely push yourself on her, but you need to continue to demonstrate that you can be the husband she needs and wants. Just keep doing your best to win her back.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
[You are right, I'm feeling her pain, but I don't know what to do. Everything I do is being interpreted negatively, as controlling, or as being desperate. I don't feel I am doing either, and the more I demonstrate anything positive, the more it seems to accelerate and solidify her determination for a divorce. It's almost as if she doesn't want to see me being this nice, and she can't wait to stop thinking of me in this way. Let me explain why it is upsetting her.. You are giving her second thoughts about divorce and it is confusing her. She is supposedly divorcing you because you have been horrible. You threw a wrench into that plan by changing your behavior. You need to stick with it. You don't want to purposely push yourself on her, but you need to continue to demonstrate that you can be the husband she needs and wants. Just keep doing your best to win her back. ^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^ And the previous posts by Melody. They are right on dead center target. Keep doing what you have been doing and discover more to do. You WILL continue to create confusion. Don't beg, plead or ask for accolades on your mini triumphs. They will be rejected and she will div in her heals harder. LTL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45 |
All, thank you. I feel so pained to see my wife write with such certainty about not wanting to spend her life with me. I can't get over it, and it makes me so terribly sad. I know I will have to find the strength to put on my brave face. I am up against such a insurmountable situation, since it's clear to me that my wife trusts her therapist, and sees me as a barrier to her freedom and growth.
I wrote her a small message today: "Dear Jane, please don't interpret this as a trick to control you or a sign of desperation. For the whole night, I thought about all the times I've hurt you and caused you pain. Because I cannot take them away, I can only do my best to heal them. I will carry you as long as that takes, and perhaps one day we can sit at a bench at a park together, under a tree, feeling each other's love and warmth, and watch our son play with his "woof-woof." That would be the happiest day of my life if we can be in that moment..."
That's how I felt when I barley slept last night, and what I wanted to write. Knowing me, that probably came across as desperate or has broken all sorts of rules.
I feel quite sad today, and had to come home from work to avoid just breaking down. I will find the strength to keep going.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
You know it yourself already.
That note is pursuit and will be felt as manipulative.
In her mind, she probably will feel, "How dare you bring our Son into this, just trying to manipulate my emotions. My therapist is absolutely right about you. You are still just trying to control me."
Pursuit = Pushing Away
Continual efforts to try to build up any Love Bank Deposits WITHOUT calling attention to your efforts and WHAT YOU WANT eventually will chisel away at her wall.
Now, start fresh again. Nothing is a deal breaker, even if it had the wrong results albeit with pure and good intentions.
Think less emotionally about what You want and need.
LTL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 45 |
You know it yourself already.
That note is pursuit and will be felt as manipulative.
In her mind, she probably will feel, "How dare you bring our Son into this, just trying to manipulate my emotions. My therapist is absolutely right about you. You are still just trying to control me."
Pursuit = Pushing Away
Continual efforts to try to build up any Love Bank Deposits WITHOUT calling attention to your efforts and WHAT YOU WANT eventually will chisel away at her wall.
Now, start fresh again. Nothing is a deal breaker, even if it had the wrong results albeit with pure and good intentions.
Think less emotionally about what You want and need.
LTL LTL, wow, maybe I am that terrible, and I just don't know it. Maybe she does deserve better, because I really thought that was heartfelt. can you give me an example of what to write? Maybe the therapist is right about me...
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 968 Likes: 1 |
I wrote her a small message today: "Dear Jane, please don't interpret this as a trick to control you or a sign of desperation. For the whole night, I thought about all the times I've hurt you and caused you pain. Because I cannot take them away, I can only do my best to heal them. I will carry you as long as that takes, and perhaps one day we can sit at a bench at a park together, under a tree, feeling each other's love and warmth, and watch our son play with his "woof-woof." That would be the happiest day of my life if we can be in that moment..." Yeah, you really shouldn't tell her how to interpret your actions like that, as it is a disrespectful judgement to tell her what to think. And I wouldn't get too hung up on whether it looks desperate or not. It's not wrong for you to be desperate. You're in love with her and she is trying to leave you. That would make anyone desperate, and justifiably so. From here forward I would not try to reason with her or highlight what you are doing, unless she asks you about it. You're going to be very tempted to do those things but they will work against you. I would stick to actions and changing habits. Any reasoning and talking to her about what you've already done, what you plan to do, or how she should think/what she should do are habits that need to go in order for her to be open to you. It will be very hard not to but your actions will speak much louder than any words, and words have the potential to nullify the value of many of your actions. Focus on actions.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
You know it yourself already.
That note is pursuit and will be felt as manipulative.
In her mind, she probably will feel, "How dare you bring our Son into this, just trying to manipulate my emotions. My therapist is absolutely right about you. You are still just trying to control me."
Pursuit = Pushing Away
Continual efforts to try to build up any Love Bank Deposits WITHOUT calling attention to your efforts and WHAT YOU WANT eventually will chisel away at her wall.
Now, start fresh again. Nothing is a deal breaker, even if it had the wrong results albeit with pure and good intentions.
Think less emotionally about what You want and need.
LTL LTL, wow, maybe I am that terrible, and I just don't know it. Maybe she does deserve better, because I really thought that was heartfelt. can you give me an example of what to write? Maybe the therapist is right about me... Your pain and emotions are leading the way. I never said you were terrible. I stated how that message typically gets interpreted. Start over again. Eliminate the pressure and pursuit. LTL
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
594
guests, and
60
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
