Dear Judge,

May I (punish my wife) get sole custody of my daughter? Don't ask me too many detailed questions about why I have not moved near her, or why I ignored the parenting of my daughter when she did live with me during an A. Don't ask me why I choose residence near my mistress as opposed to daughter. I have no prepared answers, well you don't need to when it's just a nasty bluff at your wife,do you?

I totally have not thought this out, how embarrassing and disorganized I will appear. I live minute to minute and my only hope is my wife being disorganized and uncaring too. I sure hope my treatment of her wore her down.


Yours, idiot.


He's screwed!

Oh Indie, I heart you.

Ditto buddy.


Oh! and PS Judge, I am going to need PW to babysit a LOT because, well ....... I'm busy. With what? Wow you love asking questions huh? I just have non parenting stuff to do most of the time and I can't be a single parent responsible for everything just because I cheated. If that was the deal I wouldn't have cheated! I want custody but need her to continue actually parenting. That's all cool too, right?

I was talking to a friend who said that my WH will explain all his reasons to judge, and the judge will smile and nod along as he talks, then the judge will say "no."

She also says that the whole world is playing monopoly, following the rules, passing go, collecting $200, and WH is over there playing mouse trap. All of a sudden, I look up and the trap is falling on my head. But the lawyers and judges and my family and his are all playing monopoly, and his mouse trap logic just won't hold up.

Ha! Yes, Mr. Judge will not be amused.

My lawyer put in the custody and visitation notices today. He filed for sole legal custody too! We probably won't get it, but we might get the judge to give me exclusive rights.

You know what's funny about this? My WH and I were long distance part of the time we were dating. Now I would never do this, but I was young and in lurv! It worked out fine. There were no other people during this arrangement (I don't say cheating, because it would not have been).

You know, i was thinking--he could move to southern cal and just date her long distance until she graduates in a year (it isn't that long and it isn't that far either). But then I realized--they don't trust each other!!! So they have to be in each other's orbit or it all falls apart. I don't see her for two week--what the heck could she be up to????

Two people with exceptionally poor boundaries--yes, that must be great.

When my xWW came to pick up her things from our my home last year, the OW was texting her relentlessly. My xWW had an annoyed look on her face each time the phone would ding with another text. The lack of trust is definitely there. Someday I'll probably be able to laugh about it.

Has anyone used one of these "monitored" communication services through the court system? It's basically a monitored email address for child custody so the court will have a record of communication/non compliance. You can also do other things on it, like if there is a medical bill to pay, you can post it there and if the other parent doesn't pay, then there is a record.

So basically, it's like an IM, except the IM is this service and you can send records to the court directly. So if I have to take him back to court, I have an undisputed log and it would certainly be scarier to him than just an email address and IM. Any thoughts or experiences? I am really not trying to save this thing at all, I just want him to comply with agreements and leave me alone.

This deadbeat A-hole shouldn't be entrusted with a driver's license, let alone a child. The fact that he is rapidly digging a sink hole of debt is another red flag I would hope a judge would consider.

Raise your hand if you don't like "no fault" divorce laws. It's the easy way out that punishes the victims.

Do what you can, PW, to minimize attorney fees. Your WH is making that hard unfortunately.

No fault laws are indeed dumb and unfair. But as my lawyer says, that doesn't mean you don't keep bringing up who is as fault in court!!! My custody brief names the other women. Our strategy is to show that his affair was abandonment and an abdication of responsibility ( it was, all affairs are).

It's easy to see--not in house in order to persue affair, not paying for anything, let's wife move away with kid ( doesn't stop her, makes vague promise to follow)--he's abdicating his responsibility.

I like the way your lawyer thinks and strategises her plan.

That's how all attorneys should think outside the box.

And, Oh So True Too.

LTL

Wow. Oh PW, what a mess. I am so glad you have a great lawyer. You are going to feel so much better on the other side of this. You do NOT need this in your life!

Plan B question:

I want to take little PW backpacking with friends this weekend. Unfortunately Wayward soon to be X ( cannot be X soon enough!) has his skype call sigh little PW on Sunday morning. I think there is cell reception at that camp, so he can have the call with her from there, but here is my dilemma-- he'll flip out if he sees she's camping and I didn't tell him where I was taking her. I am facing a custody trial soon (I will win, but he's still a jerk and will use it against me in court).

Shall I have IM contact him and say:

Little PW is going camping with family and friends at xyz campground on xyz date. She will be available for her call at the campground on Sunday morning, but will likely be distracted. She can be available for a call at 7:00am on Saturday instead if you wish.

That is too much info and none of it is not needed. I asked before and don't think there was an answer. Is there and order in place for these calls? If not then I wouldn't worry about it and it just gets missed. Nothing is going to happen over one missed call. Unless there is an order stating you need to inform him of out-of-town trips then you also don't need to tell him where you are going.

Why would you feel that he will flip out if he sees that she is camping?

As the primary parent, is it not your place to decide on proper recreational activities for your daughter?

Personally, I feel you are too invested in arranging these skype phone chats. What other options could you consider that does not put you in the managers role?

LTL

I would skip the backpacking trip.
You are not sure of the cell signal there and WH and child need their scheduled skype connection. You do know that WH is seeking custody. Don't play with matches.

In the future, you can go on things like this and use IM to inform WH
DATE through DATE, Piglet will be taking Child on a weekend trip to Camping Spot and will attempt to get Skype connection for call. Should the signal not be strong enough, Piglet apoligizes in advance but feels that the trip is in the best interest of Child's life experience and will see to it that the call time is made up for when a signal is stronger to facilitate your relationship with your daughter.

One missed call won't do anything except that it's now the established status in an informal arrangement (which is considered for custody in CA). He is taking this to trial, and as of right now, he has been informing me of where he takes her. CAa courts do care about fathers rights above camping trips, so while I agree that the Skype calls are stupid and annoying, doing them this whole time has helped me retain custody of my kid. It would have looked horrible if I didn't do it to a court...because according to ca he didn't really do anything worthy of losing custody (adultery, abandonment, etc don't matter here).


In any case, I am asking my lawyer and I will try to get the skype calls reduced to weekly with reasonable phone access on her burner phone. As she gets older, this will be less of an issue. For the next year or two, it'll be annoying, but this stage will pass. She'll learn how to operate the app on her own and then can call him when she wants.

Good idea checking with your lawyer. You don't want to just skip the call knowing that he's taking you to court. Ask your lawyer what the court sees as reasonable in this type of circumstance. Surely they expect that once in a while the phone calls will have to be changed or skipped.

I'm not sure why it matters that she's not at home, though. You're not leaving the state, right? Nobody expects her to be in the home every second of every day. It doesn't matter if it makes him mad, it only matters how a judge in your county will see it. He's wayward. Everything makes him crazy. Your lawyer should be able to tell you how your judges see it.

It's not that she's not at home, it's that I am not telling that's shes staying somewhere else. I am actually legally obligated at this point to tell him where she will be. But yeah, I am going to out and out ask for fewer skype calls . I have them down to a science when I am home and do not hear or see him at all. But you all are right that they bother me too much, impose on me too much and are just a plain hassle. He doesn't need this many.

I am going to basically ask for a parallel parenting agreement with totally monitored communications. He is highly conflictual as that will be clear to a court.

What a tough situation. I'm sorry. You're handling it beautifully, though.