Thank you. I will post interactions when we have them. I am hoping for feedback from the community. Tomorrow is our daughter's high school graduation. It will be a trying time to say the least.

As an aside, I just emailed Dr. Harley. I'm a block of clay...please help mold me (or help me mold myself)

That is a good attitude!! People with open minds make the fastest improvements. So glad you emailed Dr Harley. He can be an enormous help.

I think I did a good thing.

My W is stressed to the hilt over this class she is doing. With our daughter's graduation being today and family coming in, she was pressed for time this week to do a paper and get it submitted prior to everything getting started. This morning, I awoke around 3 or so to find her out of bed. I suspected that she got up early to do the paper. I laid in bed until around 4 then remembered there was something work related that I forgot to to yesterday.

When I got downstairs, she was emerging from the room where our printer is. I asked her how it was going and it got tense from there. Apparently, the professor for this course didn't post some guidance until late last night which caused W to have to start over from scratch on her paper. Further, W was scored down on a project from last week for a reason that W is rebutting with the professor. At the end, she said not to talk to me that she was stressed. All of this was communicated to me with an ever increasing rate of speech and harshness of tone. I paused. I took a breath. I told her that I understood and didn't say another word.

Good choice?

I began motoring around the kitchen (making tea for the day, brewing myself a cup of coffee, swapping clothes between the washer and dryer, handwashing a couple of cups...). She exclaimed to me "its 4 in the morning, why don't you go to bed". I paused. I took a breath. I said that I had things to do. Then she got sarcastic and asked if there was any way that I could make any more noise. I paused. I took a breath. I apologized for disturbing her.

Please, somebody tell me that I did good this morning. It was difficult not to get defensive and cause more trouble.

Flustered.

I know you indicated earlier in the thread that there are no affairs going on. And I'm sure that the stress from the school situtation you described could explain everything above. But from reading dozens (maybe hundreds?) of threads on this forum over the last couple months, I'd expect one of the veterans to come along soon and urge you to investigate the possibility that your wife may be having an affair.


You did a fantastic job IMO. I think most of us find it extremely difficult to remain calm and cordial when we feel that someone we love is treating us with rudeness and disrespect. Given the circumstances you've described, I don't know how you could have handled it any better. Well done.

Has been investigated.

I appreciate your input. Later in the morning she was able to speak to me civilly, but no apology. I honestly don't think she knew what she was doing at the time or how it made me feel. The concept of Brutal Honesty comes to mind, but I feel that it would be better served to let it lie a while. Not a good time to hit her with a complaint. Am I thinking logically?

It's Radical Honesty. I remember feeling like that when I went back to school. I didn't express myself well then either.

How would you respectfully voice a complaint?

I get the impression that your body language probably expressed it pretty loudly already though I could be wrong, just a feeling from this side of the screen. What do you think?

I guess I would use "when you, I feel" to verbalize my concern. As for body language, not so sure.

Well, last night could have gone better.

I am a district manager for a firm that provides door to door trash collection for apartment complexes. My teams collect at night.

I have always been a slave to my job. Momma taught me that. After graduation ceremony, W kept on about how SHE had raised, and SHE had toiled....it hurt. On the way home, she asked what was bothering me. I asked if I had really not been there. She said "most of the time". You could have knocked me over with a feather. I knew that I wasn't always there but didn't realize how much. At the same time, I was proud that this job didn't pull me like the others.

Then j got home to my work phone, I got a message from one of my guys who no notice quit. I tried to get coverage to no avail. End result was that I had to leave and do it myself.

I blew up. Not at anyone in the house, but at the situation. In short, my mom and sister left early and I slammed doors on my way out. ...a chance to be a different kind of parent blown by some idiots desire to not work.

I knew I had screwed up the minute I got into my truck. It didn't matter who the AO had been toward. Thus morning, W said she couldn't take many more like that.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Just get back on the horse and apologize for your behavior. I would also look into a good anger management class that will teach you to RELAX when you get frustrated. It can be a great help.

Believe it or not, the VA is setting me up with Anger Management. I'm just waiting on them to call with the information.

This morning, I decided that she should see what I have seen. I copied the Basic Concepts and sent them to her in an email. I will allow her to read it in her leisure (if she wants) then let her bring it up afterwards. The concern I have is that she might think that I have "found the magic pill" and won't really address the specific concerns that she has had over the years.

I believe in Dr. Harley's teachings. I am convinced that it can bring us out of the hole we are in and give us the everyday tools to take us to a place we haven't seen before.

I guess my biggest hurdle is.....wait for it....ME

I think this is a big step. AO's are a huge LB, and the fact that your W just told you she can't take many more of those is a pretty big clue. Did you already apologize to your W for your AO? Have you told your wife about your plans for anger management counseling?

If you haven't yet apologized, I think an apology would carry extra weight if you also told her that you are serious about eliminating AO, and are going to counseling for it. If applicable, you might also consider apologizing in general for having an AO problem throughout your marriage.

Also consider whether you want to apologize in person or in writing. I've found that it is much, easier for me to express myself honestly and in a heartfelt way when I do it in writing. It also avoids potentially sticky issues in a verbal conversation where you don't articulate your position effectively, or you inadvertently say something that triggers an argument, or your W responds to your apology with sarcasm and makes you defensive, etc. Lots of things can go wrong in a verbal conversation when your W is withdrawn, especially if you're prone to AO's.

I think your concern is valid. If she doesn't think you respect her opinion, she might even reject MB out of hand. At the very least I'd be prepared for her to be skeptical about it, if not downright hostile. In that case, your best course of action will be to diligently avoid LB's and basically be the world's best husband to the extent that she'll allow it.

I would address those specific concerns in the letter and tell her how you are going to resolve them. Otherwise, she might interpret sending the MB concepts as an attempt to change HER. You might tell her that Marriage Builders would advise you to address and resolve your angry outbursts FIRST.

Show her how MB will serve to resolve her complaints about you.

You could write Dr. Harley. He will tell you to eliminate your AO and other LBs first. It may encourage your wife to hear what a stern stance Dr. Harley takes against your behavior. Or you could suscribe to radio archives and find several clips in which he discuss the danger of angry outbursts.There are also numerous clips posted on the site. Check Prochoice's thread "Healing is Stuck" in the Surviving an Affair.

Scotty, I would bring her here and show her this thread. She will be able to read how you have changed your attitude since you have been here. We would like to hear her perspective. We will support her here.

I will invite her to the thread once she has had a chance to read my email and let me know how she feels about it.

W knows about AM classes. I sincerely apologized last night and this morning. Hope it helps.

Good -- hopefully she accepts your apology at face value and understands you're sincere.

FWIW, I still recommend writing to her about sensitive topics if you run into any difficulties with a verbal conversation. Mostly because you can avoid any chance of accidental LB's that might arise during an interactive conversation. Once you have your AO's under control, this might not be as relevant to you.

I like the idea of letters. She used for exactly that reason in an earlier issue.

The apology will help a tiny bit, but it will be meaningless if not accompanied by a change in your behavior. An apology without change means nothing, just keep that in mind.

yes Melody, I am painfully aware of that. Re-reading the letters from 11 years ago has shown me how hollow my actions were back then. I just hope that she is not so withdrawn that I cannot get to her.