Yep, can totally relate. I am probably further away from not caring than you are, but also striving toward that goal.

Yesterday my attorney finally got a signed agreement from WW on the settlement and filed it with the court. No other news but hopefully the judge signs it and D is over soon. I don't want a trial.



Life is good, much better than even a few months ago. Exciting stuff happening at work and I'm in better physical shape than I've been in years. I lift about 4 times a week and do high intensity interval training (sprinting) in addition. I would highly recommend this for men as you can do quick workouts, it will build muscle and trim fat at a brisk pace, and it's practical training for sports if you are an athlete (I play sports now and then). It's a bit narcissistic but helps a lot with self confidence and in general helps me to build motivation for the other areas in life where I'm working to change. I see changes in one area, and it helps me to visualize and work towards changes in others.


If I can add any specific thought (especially for encouragement to other BSes who are Plan B'ing or D'ing right now) to sum up how I feel, it's that I feel like I'm moving far, far away from this trainwreck. Summer is my favorite season as well so that's icing on the cake.


BUT...I have eliminated 99% of contact with everyone from the old social circle outside of my family and mutual friends who supported me after exposure. All of the inlaws and quiet/non-supportive mutual friends on Facebook got deleted (out of sight, out of mind). My MIL/FIL text and even try calling now and then, but I don't answer calls (they can text if it's important) and I keep texts to just business. Not rude to them, but I don't talk to them about anything unimportant and it's eliminated a lot of unnecessary chat that I think bothers me much more than them. Lots of new friends at church too, which helps a lot with keeping things fresh and filling in gaps left by the people I've cut out.


CHANGE is important to me because there's a lot of things about myself and my behavior in the marriage that I want to change, to improve, and to me that seems to be the key to personally recovering from an A.

You can't control the recklessness of the WS or whatever past mistakes you made in your M...you can only look at yourself and the future with both eyes open, and be ruthless in assessing your faults and seeking qualified advice on how to overcome them (like the articles here!). Once you accept that they are real, you stop being scared of them and become emotionally ready to leave them behind.

Still financially drilled (I won't lie...several thousand dollars involved in fighting an A and losing), but most of those are already paid and D being finalized will put an end to legal costs. That picture will look much better in a few months. And I don't regret fighting the A even if it was expensive.

Just keep working and know that you're moving towards a place where you aren't going to feel any pit in your stomach or worries about what's happening around you, because you're slowly taking all of that away from the destructive person in your life (your WS). They're off doing the prodigal son thing (everyone knows he ended up dining with the pigs!), and you are building your future, piece by piece.

I'm there, and I dig it. Hope that helps somebody out there.

Glad to hear you're doing well, ax. Any recommendations for a specific interval training program? I lost 25 pounds while I was fighting my XWW's affair, but I've since gained it all back. I need to lose about 10 pounds.

Glad to hear AX!

NMWB, I also lost about 15 pounds on the "adultery diet", which I have since gained back, but I needed to. I was a skinny minnie and my hair was falling out (oy!). My daughter said, "mama's sick!" ummm...yeah.

Now that I am working again, I am thinking about doing CrossFit again. It just might be a bit of a trigger, but I actually miss the activity, even if WH is associated with it. I am going to go to a few classes to see how I feel about it.

I agree with you on all points AX. Totally cutting out non-supportive people and working on your faults/areas of improvement are the best way to heal. Kudos to you!

I use an elliptical machine at my gym that has a selection of programs built into its computer display and heart rate monitor.

I currently use a 1-2 interval program. 1 minute of sprinting (or as close as you can get on one of those things), 2 minutes of rest, then repeat. You can also do 1-4s. Lots of more varied programs online, of course, where you're not using a machine.

I try to focus on my breathing techniques and keep an eye on my heart rate. 200 bpm - your age is a safe ceiling for heart rate. After a week or so you should see your peak rate and your recovery (how quickly your heart rate drops back down when you start resting) trend downwards as your body gets better at recovering.

I try to get at least 1 mile of this in per day (even on days I lift), and 2 sessions a week where I'm going 2-4 miles of this.

Your distance and calorie counts won't ever be very impressive but this is all about kick starting your metabolism and burning fat so don't worry about that. Your joints and fast-twitch muscles will thank you for not doing distance running instead.

Also keep an eye on your diet and caloric intake. Won't help much if you eat too much.

And if you're going to lift and still try to do lower calorie counts, nuke all of the sugars and carbs in your diet and focus on proteins and veggies. You need a LOT of protein to be able to maintain a lifting and HIIT routine while trying to cut weight. It's do-able, you'll just need to make whey protein and juicers your friend.

And thanks to both of you for the encouragement.

I'm 37, but I'm pretty active. People think I'm in my early to mid twenties. I do need to lose these extra pounds, though, so I've been contemplating interval training. I jog, but it hasn't really helped with the weight.

Ax,

Sorry to hear that your D settlement may be final. Considering your situation it seems the best for you and that you're going on and are finding new and better things in your life.

Keeping in shape thru workouts is good. I'm age 72 and have gotten in to some workouts with weights -arm curls, calf raises, leg lunges and squats and do a bunch of others such as bicycle, pushups and leg raises. My son sort have has advised me on my program. Protein is good when working out, but at my age have not felt the need yet to eat other than normally. n In fact, sometimes for me it seems when I skip lunch and just a light dinner, seems to be better. I think in my case tho the best exercise is naturally riding a bike, which I do every day. I've gotten to to the point that I can go 10 - 15 miles and up some steep hill climbs w/o struggling for breath or feeling fatigued. Best thing I as an older guy can do is work on the stomach, leg strength and no lack of breath.

Take care.
Tom

Thanks Tom. Agree on light dinners. Good for men, boosts HGH and testerone production according to some articles I've read, particularly if the light dinner is lean meat like poultry or fish.

Something else I recommend to build strength, stamina and endurance: backpacking. Nothing like strapping 40 pounds on your back and hiking up a mountain for overall health! I went this weekend and my little 3 year-old hiked almost three miles all by herself (no backpack, of course ) to the campsite. Of course, I had to carry her back with the all the gear the next day because she was so tired...but still pretty impressive for a preschooler.

Way to go little PW! Impressive, indeed.

Yep--super proud. She also joined a boy scout troop there making forts. She carried wood and everything. She declared "I'm an adventurer!!" I have no idea where she learned that. She's so hilarious.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Ax!

Doesn't bother me in the least.

Judgement signed yesterday, just saw it on the courts website. She's officially my ex, and I'm officially single.

Very strange feeling, but with no contact situation it just makes the whole concept of our marriage seem like something impossibly far removed from my day to day reality. I'm relieved to not have a trial hanging over my head, but otherwise I guess I'm just drawing a blank.

Perhaps surprised that I'm not more sad about things, and yet admittedly not happy to be wearing the label "divorced".

But if anything this experience (and this site) has taught me, it's that divorce is sometimes something you cannot avoid. It's challenged my thinking on it big time as a conservative Christian.

Takes 2 to get married, but only 1 to wreck a marriage. Not saying that I didn't have a hand in any of this, but certainly not the death blow. And I gave her everything I could to turn this around after D-day, so no regrets there.

I hate to admit it, but I used to look down on divorced people. I had the naive idea that it meant that the couple both lacked the spiritual maturity to work on their issues. It never occurred to me that one could be willing while the other was dead set on divorce. I also had no idea how prevalent infidelity was.

I hope that I can take what I have learned into a successful second marriage. Although I have to admit I still have an ember of hope that I might remarry my ex (which from what I've read has a greater chance at success than first time marriages), but I guess that will likely change once I start dating.

If you're like me, you'll still have some ups and downs. I wasn't particularly sad when the divorce was finalized, either, because I knew it was coming. Stay strong, buddy.

Thanks, nmwb.

I think the tendency of modern Christians to look down upon divorce comes from how cowardly the modern church is with acknowledging and confronting infidelity.

Once you remove infidelity from the table, the scriptural allowances for divorce become a lot more debatable and allow wiggle room for people to jump to conclusions. Abuse, abandonment, etc....all are subjective to the situation and its facts.

But adultery is adultery. Fact. Period. Very simple.

The church now doesn't really talk about it, doesn't really inform people about how it happens or what it really looks like when it does. When and where it has happened, it is ignored because people are scared to step on toes or tarnish someone's reputation. At least clergy still catch flak over it.

All four of my grandparents were divorced at one point, yet no divorces in my immediate family (parents/siblings). There was nothing less moral or Godly about my grandparents, just different circumstances.

My mom's mother was married to a man that beat her, and her parents finally went and removed her/the kids from the home, and helped her file for divorce. My mom's dad served in WWII (Pacific theater) and came home after VJ Day to find out he was a BH and ended up divorced. Those two met after their divorces and were happily married the rest of their lives.

My dad's dad was a serial adulterer and absentee father, I only saw him a few times in my life. My dad's mom eventually divorced him and met a nice Christian man she was married to for the rest of their lives.

These things happen to good people who are good spouses. But I think the church is so focused on preventing the "neither of us like each other" divorces that they overlook the situations where the marriage continuing truly is impossible.

^And I wasn't really aware of all of that when I first came here, I was terrified of divorce. But some of that I've found out along the way and some of it I knew already but wasn't really thinking about.

Yeah, I'm going to be the Divorce Care leader at my church this fall. Hopefully I'll be able to point people here. I hope that something good comes out of this ordeal.

I had the same experience. I used to look down on divorced people, even though my parents are divorced. And as a Christian myself, I sometimes feel uncomfortable with the mantle of divorcing--but even more so with the odious "single mother".

I looked down on divorced people--but not in all circumstances. WH actually had a good friend who divorced because of adultery fairly young and I thought that was the right call (his wife behaved similar to yours Ax). And so, all I can do is hope that others have compassion for the fact that there were 3 people in my marriage and that I couldn't tolerate that.

But one thing I've come to realize is that I'm ok. I have God and my friends and my kid. And that's really enough. I may never get married again, but I'll be Ok. And since I am a single mother and will supposedly only attract deadbeats and criminals (I joke, but only a little), I'm coming to terms with it and making peace with it.

Oh, and I finally got a court date for custody--two months from now!! I predict that I'll still be legally married until mid-next year given that this is CA and things move slow as molasses. Once we get that issue settled, I'll have to deal with the property issues and given that WH is unreasonable and obstructionist, that may go to trial too.