PW,

He's certainly not trustworthy at this point and no matter where he was we all know he's a poor father because he's not with you and his daughter trying to save his family.

HE is the idiot that is throwing away a faithful wife and a loving daughter, not you. Any decent person would come to the same conclusion about an absentee father like that.

What's everyone's thoughts on "reclaiming' things in Plan B? I started powerlifting again today and it felt good. I really like powerlifting and Olympic lifting, but have avoided it because I associated it with WH and OW (and I also did it of course, that's how we all knew each other). But I felt OK today and I realized that I liked it again. I am hoping to squat over 200lbs again at a weight of 130. =)

But is it weird to do these things again? Will I go into a tailspin at some point? Is it better to find something else I enjoy (I have found lots of other new things, but I also still like this thing and wanted to take it up again).

I could see it being a huge trigger if I were to try and reconcile, but I don't see that happening honestly, so I don't know if that's even a concern.

One way to desensitize a trigger is to continually expose yourself to it.

So, if you enjoy doing it

do it.

I enjoy watching the Gary Coxe videos.
If you aren't familiar with him, he has conducted several personal interviews of Dr. Harley!
You can find him on YouTube.
Anyway, he had a video where he personally slept in the same motel where his father was murdered years earlier. And he was okay with that. Years ago, he learned his child was not his and his wife was a cheater. He drove by the place where they would meet every time to desensitize himself to the pain his wife caused him.

Now, the purpose of Plan B is to help you move forward in life in a healthy manner. Some people are like Gary and can stay in the same motel their father was murdered. Others can't.

If you enjoy bodybuilding then do it! If it causes you emotional pain then don't.

Gary says: "Don't let anyone or anything rent space in your head."

That's such a good question. I don't think it's fair to let them take something you enjoy. Take it back. I took my kids camping, something WH and I have enjoyed together regularly. I'm not going to say it was all sunshine and roses, I had a serious meltdown moment, but by the end of the weekend I felt like a victorious warrior. It may be a trigger sometimes, but I'll power through again.

As for it being a trigger during reconciliation, IF you begin recovery and IF it bothers you then, you can always quit at that time. I say do what makes you feel strong. (And oh my goodness, can we just take a second to acknowledge that you'll be really physically strong not just emotionally! I mean, dang woman! Go on with your bad self!)

Well, I used to do that all the time...I look normal, but have the ability to get pretty strong.

But yeah, I am pretty much at the point that I am not very interested in recovery to be honest. My life is getting better without him. I was probably happier when I was happily married, but I am way, way happier than being unhappily married and I don't really feel the need to recover the marriage anymore.

He seems like a ridiculously bad bet at this point, especially when the AP has proven that she will ALWAYS open to him and in the age of the internet. He feels entitled to do what he does and I can't ever go through this again. I'd rather be alone with a million cats than ever do THIS again.

I went to court-ordered mediation yesterday. There are no lawyers involved in CA with court-ordered custody.

I saw him in the waiting room and requested a separate waiting room and separate mediation, which I was granted. I was the only one in the separate waiting room, which I thought was weird. The good thing about the separate rooms, is that because I requested that, for some reason they didn't make me sit through the 90 minute co-parenting lecture. I was able to get straight to the mediation bit.

I explained to the mediator our situation--living 500 miles apart and that my court order is basically an enforcement of the status qua. I offer two weekends a month (he usually does 1 or 2) at the agreed upon drop off and pick up times.

Then she talked to him and he said that he "didn't know" if he wanted to seek sole physical custody, but if he did, it would be because I am epileptic. He'll use the fact that I went into a tailspin after D-Day and had a seizure) over a year ago against me. Since I went to the emergency room for that incident, I had a hold on my license for a few months after that. It's been lifted and I have been cleared to drive for almost a year. I'll just have to bring all my medical information to the hearing.

Of course, he didn't care about it when it happened. He was off doing whatever. When I brought up the affair, she told me they don't consider it. I told her I get that, but it's indicative of his abandoning behavior. Also, he never tried to get custody of his daughter at all at any point when I was there or after I left. His focus was not on his daughter, but on his affair. Her eyes opened wide. It was like it was the first time she had considered that.

So, we are going to court, which is fine. I expected that.

In any case, seeing him didn't affect me that badly. When I saw him when I checked it, he tried to say hello to me, but I just looked away. I didn't feel any overwhelming emotion--not sadness, not anger, not anxiety. I mostly just didn't want to be near him (Also, I didn't like his haircut).

Sweet! Worth doing just for that. Has it occurred to anyone that if they need a lecture, they're not coparents?



Good for you. Most of the people like lawyers and court workers who deal with divorces are utter sleepwalkers when it comes to this point. I even had one refer to OW as 'his new partner'. I corrected her 'No, she was his mistress. They've never been in business together. Also, people know so they are too ashamed to be seen together these days'.

But that's what she was used to seeing. A bedraggled BS who's been railroaded into a buddy divorce and the 'new partners' looking sleek and satisfied and calling all the shots. Everyone present asks for a friendly experience. It's not the courts which began this, it's the waywards. The victim never gets to write law or history.

You can tell when you deal with sleepwalkers that they are not used to dealing with MBers.

Lol about the haircut!

That part got me, too.

Actually, I got more emotional after seeing him this second day. I didn't cry or anything, just that slow ache came back a little. That feeling that you'd like the wayward to care, but he clearly does not. I truly will never understand the total and complete cruelty of adultery. That's what makes recovering from it so difficult. I was in love once before I got married and it took about six months or so to recover from the break up mostly, about a year until I barely thought of him. But that was different, of course. It was just a normal early twenties break up.

It's hard to think that one day I will wake up and won't feel both a pull towards him (even if it's faint), as well as totally discarded by him. Anyway, when I think of him, I just try to remind myself that he's certainly not thinking of me in this moment and that he's certainly not trying to keep me, so thinking about him is futile. It works sometimes and I'm getting better at it.

It does happen. When you're done thinking about them tenderly, you still have to process the cruelty bit as you call it. It was a bit like I grieved for him first, then for myself second.

I don't feel discarded these days though I did for ages. Now I shudder at the idea that he hadn't, or had come back. If he hadn't gone, lots of wonderful things that have happened since would never have happened.

Now I just view him as a force of nature, like a forest fire which cleared out old wood. But I know from experience that if I were to see him again I wouldn't be so dispassionate.

You will always feel a faint pull towards him.

That is why Dr. Harley says, once in a committed marriage, you should not see exes.
The pull to restart the romance exists.

Hey! You and he created your child and that is magic. Magic.

You are doing fine and you are a human being with normal and healthy feelings as you deal with this.

I actually think that some people continue to see and communicate with their exes because it is so conflict-ridden. It's easier to be divorced when you are constantly mad.

I actually think that some people continue to see and communicate with their exes because it is so conflict-ridden. It's easier to be divorced when you are constantly mad.

Even conflict-ridden constant anger can turn in the flip of a switch to once held passion. It is playing with fire.

I agree; but many people do it for years and years. I was on a divorce message board recently (just reading) and I couldn't believe these people who keep in touch with their waywards (sometimes daily--for the kids of course (eye roll)). They seem miserable, but won't stop. They definitely get something out of it.

I know just now, about 18 years after the divorce and NC for about that long (except for their kids' weddings and graduations) my dad has finally reached indifference toward my mother (who have an 8 year affair) during their 25 year marriage.

I agree; but many people do it for years and years. I was on a divorce message board recently (just reading) and I couldn't believe these people who keep in touch with their waywards (sometimes daily--for the kids of course (eye roll)). They seem miserable, but won't stop. They definitely get something out of it.

I know just now, about 18 years after the divorce and NC for about that long (except for their kids' weddings and graduations) my dad has finally reached indifference toward my mother (who have an 8 year affair) during their 25 year marriage.

I think anything is easier than that initial level of pain you get in NC. The problem is people think it's permanent. So they choose years of low level misery instead of the sharp pang of withdrawal.

Years instead of weeks. Madness.

Agreed x 10. Horrible withdrawal gets replaced with joy and goodness faster than you would think possible.