> Markos didn't say when a man strays it is the end of the relationship.

Then 3 weeks of Plan A then Plan B is the recipe for women?! Will that work?

I'm inclined to ignore the whole thing and live my life, but not leave the marriage, at least until the so called honeymoon period of 6 months since meeting this woman passes.

> You know this is such a small requirement after so many years - assurance that if you give any MORE years of your life he will still be around after retirement.

Yes, but I don't want to pick the worst point in our relationship to ask him to marry me. That's just won't work.

I just want to give it another 6 months until the honeymoon period with this OW passes and it grows stale a little.

Because chasing a man makes the woman appear less attractive.

But YOU will grow stale if you hang around and make yourself available as his option. If you do that, then he is unlikely to take you up on that option. He will just move onto greener pastures.

But if we disconnect, that will make it smooth sailing for the OW. It will be very hard for us to reconnect.

At the moment he is living his normal life except for some emotional distance.

If you want to give this your best shot, then separate from him and go into Plan B. Tell him not to contact you directly unless and until he has ended his new relationship and is willing to make a serious commitment to you. [commitment = marriage] Otherwise, he may not contact you.

That would be win/win for you, because you either end up married or you end up SINGLE because he wouldn't commit. You win either way. And you also give him the greatest motivation by removing yourself as "option B" and making him FIGHT for you. If you are just hanging around making yourself available as "Option B" he will never fight for you because no one is motivated to chase "Option B." He will ALWAYS view you as option B if you do that.

You are not thinking strategically.

Jenni, it ought to be HIM asking YOU. The fact that he hasn't is cause to be really worried about his character. And he has gone on and had a son with you without committing for life to the mother of his child?

The ideal scenario would be for the father of your son to commit to you for life, of course, but he hasn't done that and now he is pursuing some other woman.

We're not just making up the "three weeks in Plan A" statistic. Dr. Harley is the marriage counselor here and he is the one who says that women pursuing men are extremely unlikely to be able to bring him around. You actually have a better chance of getting him to reconsider if you take yourself totally away from him, sooner rather than later. As long as he can have contact with you both (you and the other woman), then there is no reason for him to do anything, but if you are suddenly completely unavailable there is some chance that he may reconsider.

But if you pursue him it just tells him that you are the kind of woman that he can treat horribly and cheat on and you will still be available no matter what as second choice.

If you want to have a great marriage, you need to start thinking strategically instead of reactively. You have made a lot of bad judgments that have led you a terrible place in a very rocky relationship.

I don't know how old you are but didn't your mother ever teach you that it is not wise to put out for free? "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Ever hear that?

Bingo!!

All you are doing is diminishing your value in this relationship by making yourself so available when he mistreats you. That is a real turnoff to men.

He did ask to marry many times around the 3 year mark, as I have said before. It was I who put it off and did not push for it.

That was 3 years ago. He is not asking you to marry him now, is he?

Well, it works for us. He has, in the past, come back to me after a few days and apologized for hurting me. According to Plan B, I wouldn't be there for him to apologize even.

FOURTEEN years ago. Three years into their relationship.

How is that working for you?

If your methods are so successful, then why are you here? Why did your boyfriend fool around on you? Why is he withdrawn?

I would suggest that you don't have very good judgment when it comes to relationships or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. You certainly don't have answers on how to get yourself out. Your best thinking got you to this terrible place after all.

Wisdom means accepting that you don't have the answers and should lead you to seek other perspectives. WE can't help you if you are not open minded enough to realize your best thinking has not worked for you.

According to this, you have pretty low standards. An "apology" won't give you a great marriage. We aim a little higher than that.

If you want to keep doing what you did "in the past" you will keep getting what you have been getting in the past. You want more of this?

Our past has been really really great until this small thing. Not to marry was my choice and he would have married me any time I asked for it since his proposals until possibly a few months ago.

I didn't even know about the affair because it happened at work. It was his sister who found out, exposed it, and swiftly got rid of her. I'm going to give it 6 months for that to work. Because he is back in the fold.

What I am asking is, what harm can it do if she is emailing, testing, or IMing him if they don't see each other? The affair has finished, or has been torn apart by his sis.

Sis in law said he mumbled something about "doing the right thing" when the OW called him in Spain when she was in the middle of firing her. What do you think he meant?

I believe that's been asked and answered on this thread.

An affair is an addiction. Contact is like a hit of the drug. Every bit of contact will keep the addiction going and prolong the withdrawal.

Sometimes I see people on this forum dwell on a question over and over again even after it's been asked and answered. Usually it's "why?" or "how could you/he/she do this?" Sometimes it's something else.

Usually I think it points to depression.

You don't want an academic discussion about the effects of contact. You want your relationship back.