Hello Hopeless is my wife who cheated on me. How does one begin to start talking to a bunch of strangers over the net about infidelity? Many years before meeting my wife I served in the marines while deployed a fellow marine saved my life after being hit by enemy fire, this marine became a good and trusted friend only later to betray me. 3 1/2 years ago serious red flags appeared on my radar after viewing my wife's Facebook page what was discovered on her like page was a long list of liked pictures of semi-nude body builders with only their shorts on, yes it was bodybuilding magazine. Yet the emphasis was on their washboard abs. Never did have wash board abs partly because of the love of food. how does anyone with a fetish for washboard abs even begin to desire stomach rolls instead of a 6 pac? During our courtship there were many who observed stand-of fish behaviour like her not wanting to touch or hold my hand at the time admittedly ignored any of the observations that others warned me about. Why would a woman who has 10 liked male bodybuilding magazines on her Facebook account even want me? This lecherous ex- friend of mine had actually posed on the cover of one those magazines. Going back to the time we met I had just met I received a job in an IT company and I lament that there was little time to reflect on some of these red flags. My wife had never divulged to me her previous partying lifestyle had I been aware of her sleepless nights out in the bars the marriage would have never of happened. To be blunt any physical attraction of her towards me was nil. Why? For various reasons it was obvious that she liked washboard abs including the small bubble butt men that came along with the fetish and her lover fit those dimensions. More importantly public dates between us was awkward- let's say that the moment that she disembarked from the vehicle she made a bee-line drive towards the restaurant and afterwards too. Supers were quiet the waiter had no reason to quit us down. Sex lasted for about 2 minutes, it was evident on her face that the whole act was disdainful. Her mood improved upon her telling me that she was pregnant than all of a sudden the house was clean, she began presenting me with presents, like a new shirt etc. arriving to today's date last night she gave a me another present confessing of a previous affair with my ex-friend she offered total disclosure except the diary which I demanded to read! At last much of the doubts all made sense, in the diary all off the sex encounters was entered into the diary. Some of this may read obscene in one entry read that novel lover **EDIT**. All of my original doubts of her not being physically attracted to me were confirmed in her diary especially in continuation an entry read went out last night with ***** and I felt so good showing him off. The question isn't if this marriage is workable but why me? What differs me from a roomie? Dairy read that just being in the presence of her lover made her knees go weak. Must be difficult living with someone who you're not attracted too. Why me?

Hi, Yahoo.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. We are sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

I would suggest you start a new thread for yourself. My wife and I both post here and in our experience, having our own threads worked best.

Yahoo, we have a great plan here from Dr. Harley that has helped many of us survive infidelity.

Right now I know you are in extreme pain and shock from the revelation. I am so glad we were able to persuade your wife to tell you the truth, because I so fervently believe that you have the right to all of the facts about your life.

Your emotions are going to be in turmoil here for a bit. One recommendation Dr. Harley sometimes makes is to see your regular doctor and ask him to prescribe antidepressant medication for the short term in order to help even out the emotional highs and lows. I followed this recommendation myself at one point, and it really did help.

We can help you rebuild your marriage with your wife, or if you choose to leave her we can help you there, too. When Dr. Harley first started counseling he was amazed that so many married people who had been victims of infidelity wanted to recover their marriages, but it turned out that the plan he had for saving marriages worked great for recovery even from the most serious blow imaginable.

It is important that people be told about your wife's affair. It is also crucially important that she never see or talk to the OM again. These two steps are crucial for recovery.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Yahoo.

You're in the right place. There's a great plan here to help you recover, whether you decide to save your marriage or not.

Do you want to save it at this point?

I suggest you get the book Surviving an Affair. It contains the best plan to get you through this. Below is an excerpt of the book, with a checklist of things that need to be done to survive this. Take a look at it and let us know where you are.

The OM has nothing over you. You, as the husband, are in the best position to save this marriage if you want to.

As far as talking to strangers, sometimes that's best, you know? Nobody here knows you in real life and you can be even more open with us than you might be with others.

I've been on this website since 2010 and written 13,676 posts helping people (and myself) learn Dr. Harley's marriage program and make it work in their marriages. I've been in a happy marriage since 2013. I've listened to hundreds of hours of Dr. Harley's daily radio show where I've had the chance to hear him address dozens of different marital issues, and then turned around and tried to help people here with what I've learned there.

And I am just a short termer. There are people who have been posting on this website since the early 2000s or even earlier who have written more on this site than me and helped hundreds of couples. They've been under Dr. Harley's expert tutelage long enough to become experts at marital recovery themselves. I encourage you to take full advantage of the group here while you are hurting, so you can plan a way to a future that does not hurt.

Hi yahoo, welcome to Marriage Builders, I am very sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. WE can help you turn your marriage around and help her develop an incredible attraction for you. I don't want you to worry about that, because we know how to overcome that. It is probably true that physical attraction is one of her top needs, but it is not the only one. We can teach you to meet her needs in way that will create an incredible attraction.

Our goal is to - first - help you affair proof your marriage by getting this dirtbag out of your lives. Several things need to happen now. The first is for your wife to send a letter to the OM telling him you know about the affair and to NEVER EVER contact her again, that is approved by you and sent together. The child should not be mentioned. DONT' TELL ANYONE ABOUT THE SUSPICIONS ABOUT YOUR CHILD. She is your child and you should leave it that way. I will post a template in the next post.

Next, she should follow the steps in this checklist, starting with DELETING FACEBOOK:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Yahoo, my wife and I are about to leave for church, but here is a video from Dr. Harley you should watch:



I'm sure there will be other posters along soon. Many of us were involved in talking to your wife yesterday and will care about giving you all the help possible.

MelodyLane is exactly right. My wife had zero attraction for me, not so long ago. I am happy to say that has turned around dramatically. Attraction can be created, and Dr. Harley is an expert in that subject.

I want you to look over to the left of MelodyLane's posts, Yahoo. Notice when she joined this board, and how many posts she has written. She has been doing this for nearly fifteen years. She's the best - you're in great hands, here.

Again, I am sorry for the terrible circumstances that brought you here, but I hope this is going to be the first step in a much, much happier future for you.

Thank you for the kind remarks, Markos.


She didn't leave you for the OM because he is loser, and she knows it. He is a faithless puketard* who cares nothing for your wife. He just used her and tossed her aside because he doesn't care about her. Just ask yourself what kind of a "man" would have an affair with a married woman? His "friends" wife? A faithless dirtbag.

He is not 1/10th the man you are. And I mean this sincerely. There is much, much more to being a man than having 6 pack abs. Women don't marry men because of their abs.

*My apologies to puketards for the insulting comparison.

Still love her but I now see her as a dangerous person, melody wrote a few posts and she is correct. The adage that love and money are hard to hide is so true in this case. There were a lot more things stated in that diary confirming her attraction for her lover including her unattraction towards me. Novel lover is a creep and his intentions were to break us up! Lies, deception and manipulation is what this marriage was built upon. Before we started dating my wife lived an opulent and stimulating life which included travels to Hawaii, Caribbean, Las Vegas. She had an Audi, Ducati motor cycle even her own home all on a waitress and barber salary. Most of it was lost or wrecked before meeting me. Where did all this money come from? Is it possible to have expensive jewelry working 2 jobs. The only travel that I did was in the marines. Meanwhile she frequented expensive bars and bought clothes way beyond her budget. How many of you here have been to 26 countries? To this day she gives obfuscating answers to those questions. Hell why don't you all ask her where the money came from, since she talks openly with you and not me. If she desires for this marriage to work why not ask her to disclose how she got the money to live life so largely before meeting me.

Her danger level went down about 50% after she told you the truth yesterday. At least now you know much of the facts about your life that were kept hidden.

Keeping secrets from you and living a risky lifestyle makes her dangerous. But that is what we will help you fix if you decide to save this marriage.

You have just been through the worse day of your life. Things are going to get better. We are here to help you.

Many of us are survivors of infidelity. It was been a little over four years for my wife and I, but I can tell you that we have a wonderful marriage now. It wasn't accomplished quickly. It took well over a year before I felt substantially better. I had to go on medication for a few months. Basically, I was a mess, and my wife wasn't much better off, either. Our recovery took one thing - a commitment by both of us to follow Dr. Harley's plan. You have one huge advantage working for you - the fact that your WW wants to recover with you. Many BHs have a long, hard battle just getting to that point. So, in spite of the dark thoughts you are presently experiencing, there is really much cause for hope. I can certainly see it. I hope you stay with us long enough to get the help you need.

Did your wife conduct a long sexual affair or just an emotional affair?

My wife had two affairs, the first one in our first year of marriage, and the second one thirty years later. Both were physical affairs lasting a couple of months with men who were her work supervisors.

Do you feel like I do that there were more affairs and how did you feel after learning of the liasion. My doctor has prescribed an SSRI for me. Do you sincerely trust a woman who has reoffended? What if your wife has a roving eye like mine? One of the entries in her diary read drank flowing champagne off of his abs which confirmed all previous suspicions of a fetish. Abs are the trigger, before we married she told me that no woman could live with a man who she wasn't attracted too. Looking back on it there were frequent all girls night out as well as visiting her parents. Both of us had bachelor parties, mine was beer and bowling. This really painful to talk about but I've got to lay it all out. My wife's bachelorette party started with a rented limo bus it was an all girls kosher event then later it ended at the home of her BFF there were male friends also. Thought nothing of it... Total trust until I discovered a pic on her friends Facebook album of her being on top of a male's bare chest, I've no idea what really happened... Guess what he had abs. Question is how does this benefit me preserving this marriage eventhough I do love her. Have you ever heard of the saying for every rat you see there's 10 rats that you don't see?

Yahoo, many BS's require their spouse to take and pass a polygraph as a condition of recovery. You can require that too. You can create a list with all of your questions about her past, and ask her to answer your questions. The polygraph will then be based on these questions.

You do deserve to know the truth about your marriage and life.

Attraction - we can walk you through a plan from Dr. Harley to create that.

Possibility of more affairs, secret second life, and historical honesty - again, we can walk you through the plan from Dr. Harley to fix that.

Roving eye - there's a plan to fix that, too.

Marriage Builders is a comprehensive plan to fix everything that's ailing a marriage. If you are willing, and your wife is willing, everything that you are laying out here can be taken care of. We have lots of suggestions we'll be presenting to you that can take care of each and every one of these things if you need.

Okay Marcos fix it!

lol, okay.

Did you watch the video I provided on your thread earlier? Has your wife watched it? You guys are going to need to embark on a program of education to learn to use the tools that Dr. Harley provides for saving marriages. That video is probably a great first step. We'll have more.

We are here to help you through all of this. This is one step at a time. The dishonesty, the infidelity, the attraction can all be resolved. A recovering marriage improves in fits and starts as problems are slowly resolved.