Hi Melodylane,

I just found plan A and B and I thought it might be helpful- since right now I feel there isn't a lot of hope in our situation.
I have had less issues with anger for the past few weeks- because I have been detaching and expecting much less from him. He thinks I have been too critical of him, and he can't do anything right with me.
In the past- that is accurate at times.
I am working on managing my own anger now- because it may be the main thing I can do to improve things.
As far as his mom goes- this is a really big problem.
His step dad has dementia and was placed in nursing home this last december. His mom and I had issues since my 1st child was born- but things got much worse as her husband's problems increased. She had many resources- I tried to help several times, but she mainly just complained that no one would help her. She wanted to leave her husband by himself to go on a cruise- and we all told her it wasn't a good idea. He had attacked her at night a few times prior to her cruise. So she hired 24/7 caregiver and then went on the cruise. i had already taken her to a memory care facility that said they would take him- she had the financial resources. Any way she left and my father in law attacked the caregiver and was bakeracted. DCF was called and my mother in law was on her cruise the entire time. My husband was irritated with the inconvenience of the situation ( his step dad called him 5x a night in the middle of the night). Anyway I had to speak to my father in laws doctor to get some medication for agitation on board. And then after thanksgiving my mother in law left my father in law alone (after this had happened) for several days. I was worried that father in law would end up dead and I went and checked on him while she was away. Then after my father in law was placed in a nursing home, my mother in law went away for 3 weeks. And I checked up on FIL while she was away. My husband doesn't appreciate the fact that I helped his mom, He blames me for getting involved. His mother has done other things- selfish things. And still my husband blames me for not letting her come to our home when I am here. My mother in law had been blaming me for keeping the kids away from her- to my husband. I had told her several times that our sitter would take the kids to her when she wanted, gave her the sitter's number. And my husband was taking the kids over almost every weekend. I stopped talking to her after she left her husband alone after thanksgiving.
Basically my husband refuses to see my point of view. He finds the most fault with me in regards to his mom. She has used me, been manipulative, acted very entitled. dumped on me. and he still sees it as me being in the wrong. I can't say or do anything to change his mom. over the past year, his mom has said multiple times she is dying. She does have some medical issues- and has been to the ER more than 10 x in the last 6 months, but no doctor has said she is dying. And her daughters stopped talking to her during this time.

We recently had a fight because he was upset about his mom/family on 4th of july. He was in a bad mood, and the kids were at my mom's for the night- so it was a special time for us. And his excuse for being cold to me was- he was upset about his mom/family. There have been multiple times in the past when his mom was upset with him and he shut down towards me because of it. It happened on thanksgiving- and he turned off to me and the kids. THe day after thanksgiving he layed on the sofa and cried- didn't even interact. that is when he said his mom was his "only family he had".
So I don't really know- where to start or if this situation is salvageable.

Also I wanted to ask- if you think getting this full time job is the right decision (if it is offered to me).
I love spending time with my kids and being there for them (almost 2 and 4 years old) so if i got full time job- I would be less available. And they would need to go into daycare at least part time. My husband does not help around the house- so I can see working full time would make getting things done more difficult.
But I feel like If I have a full time job then leaving /separation if needed would obviously be much easier. And being financially independent- even if I stayed in the marriage is a good idea- considering the attitude of my husband.
Do you think i should go for this job?

Hi carrotsandpeas, welcome to Marriage Builders. Plan A and Plan B are not something you speak to him about directly. In Plan A you would avoid fights and do your best to meet his needs for a short period of time. If he does not agree to follow this program in that time, a separation would follow. That is Plan B.

There are a lot of troubling aspects to your marriage. First off, the problem of your anger and the fights. That absolutely has to end immediately. The other troubling aspect is the fact that he places his relationship with his mother over his marriage and that he won't use the policy of joint agreement because he likes his "personal freedom." Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you.

Please read this article and come back and give your thoughts. When to Call It Quits (Part 1) By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

I was thinking separation before I read plan a and b. I asked my husband to fill out the needs questionairre. He said he would. I don't know if he will. I can identify with the way he the letter says people typically respond. I have nagged, gotten angry, threatened divorce - hoping my husband would listen and try. I tried explaining till I was blue in the face. Nothing has been effective.
How long should I wait for him to fill out the questionnaire. It has been 1 month since I asked him to write down his needs- I asked several times and he still hasn't. I imagine if I have to keep pursuing it- it will irritate me more. If he doesn't follow through should I move on to plan A?
Has anyone ever done plan A and or b before?

you skipped plan A.

I am trying to get a full time job so that if I need to separate I will be financially in a better place. I am not sure i want to separate though. My husband has told me on multiple occasions that the house is his. I rental house I bought before we were married. I would plan on moving there. If I stayed in the house we are living in now- I think it would make my husband more antagonistic towards me/us.
How would I deal with kids visitation if we separated? THe kids are pretty attached to him and I want him to be able to see them if he wants.

Many people have done Plan A and Plan B. Dr Harley referenced one of his cases in the article.

I would sit down and write your husband a nice letter. Tell him how unhappy you have been and tell him you have some ideas to turn this around. Tell him about this program and attach some articles, questionnaires. Then don't bring it up again. Your next step will be to just separate.

In the meantime, I would plan on getting separated. I think you mentioned you have small children, so I would visit a lawyer and ask what is involved in getting your husband legally removed if he won't move out willingly. Most lawyers are lazy and will say "you can't legally kick him out." Ask the lawyer how he can help you get your H out.

so just to make sure i understand- your plan A would be writing him a nice letter?

No I am willing to separate, I'm just not looking forward to it. But I get what you are saying. thanks