I was a caller on MB radio a couple weeks ago. My biggest issue is I have AO as a result from "the silent treatment". I just finished LB and I try to talk about difficult subjects... But it end up me prodding to try to get him to engage. (By this time I am a crazy person)

The day after the radio program I had new information thrown in my face via social media while we were on our way to a "weekend getaway" I asked him about the information, calm, in a hurt voice (not yelling or disrespectful) needless to say, he clammed up, so I didn't prod or yell or act crazy.... We didn't speak until we were back home 2 days later. We ate at a really nice place overlooking the ocean, beautiful sunset, went kayaking and had a picnick (arranged by me prior to going). Listened to music. It was ready to eat? Did you bring sunscreen? I am going to bed... Not talking, informing. It was agonizing for me not to talk... So we sat at the bar at our hotel and I talked to the bartender, while he sat next to me.
Any advice what to do the next time this happens?

He said I ambushed him with the info. I should have put my arms around him and told him I still loved him... (A little difficult when I find out the OW#1 was 20, maybe 21 at the time of the A) did he lie? Did he know? I was a little to upset to be thinking of his feelings, I was trying to sop up my own

Do you remember the date of your show?

What did Dr. Harley advise you?

Thursday July 9th

Dr Harley told me I needed to stop the AO. I finished LB yesterday. I received the HESW workbook and surviving an affair. Already read HNHN. What should we read first. Surviving an affair or HWSW and do the workbook. My H is willing to work, it's been a stalemate in the negotiations dept... There is no conflict resolution...
My original email to dr Harley:

> I am 45 my H is 48, married 27 yrs. I found out in October of last year my husband of 26 years was then having an EA with an ex HS GF (approximately 3 myths) and had dated another girl about 2 years ago (approx 25 at the time) (day after radio program found out she was 20-21) a couple times over a 2 year period (not sure it was emotional and girl said they hooked up and hung out at a bar a couple of times but they never had intercourse) would have lead further if she pursued it (per my H). It really doesn't matter, they were all over each other, and guys from his work were there.. So I basically look like a fool..
> We have been going to a MC since January. She was surprised we had made
> another appointment. She said everything seemed to be going so well.
> I have been dealing with my emotions that are based in reality, what I know to
> be true. Not dragging the A's out every time I get angry. He has said and done
> everything correctly. He's transparent with all of his accounts, he deleted
> all social media. We spend 15+ hours a week together. Our sex life is great, I
> do tend to take it personal if he is too tired. (He's never been too tired in
> the past). Prior to Dday we rarely fought. We do now. She (MC) said what we fight about are things I am not really angry about.
> She says I have a lot of resentment... Uh yeah..
> In our 26 years of marriage.
> I cooked, cleaned, took out the trash, called repairmen or fixed things
> myself, I fixed the cars, changed the oil, did all the shopping, including his
> clothes, all of the bills, taxes, yard work, reminding him of his families
> birthdays, and anniversaries, he didn't even know when our children's
> birthdays are. Was the doctor and nurse, took care of our oldest when he had
> cancer when he was 2 at the time. (he is fine now) They are adults now. I also
> held down a job and went to nursing school.
> His A#1 was when I was getting ready for nursing school and was off and on
> throughout.
> I am angry, I have lost most of my life serving my family. He went to work and
> came home... That's it!
> He has always shown me affection (PDA, had holding ect) and has always told me he loves me. I have no idea where to go or what to do. MC said if I don't get
> over the anger the marriage will probably end. I have read HNHN, I am reading LB now (I do have AO in response to "the silent treatment" I get from him) I have it but haven't started HWSW. I got the audio of HNHN and play it in the car when driving with my H. (Captive audience) otherwise he wouldn't know who you were.
> How can I get past the anger and get on with my marriage?

Why would you even want to spend time with someone who is deliberately trying to punish you with the silent treatment?

Dr Harley says nowhere that you have to cheerfully put up with abuse. He is doing this because it works and because it makes you meek and weak.
If he had an affair, he should tell you the details you want to know. This should happen in a conversation. After he has told you the truth, you should never again bring up the subject.

Of course, if he had told you the entire truth, you would not find (or seek) new information to upset you. Did you follow the steps laid out in "surviving an affair"?
Is this the first time he has been unfaithful and how long have you been married and do you have any children together?
Has he given you the silent treatment or has he been abusive in the past in any way (name calling, belittling, angry outbursts etc)?

Radio Clip of JAERN13's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

I remember Dr Harley saying it is difficult for women to have to be the driving force in the relationship. Does not sound like your husbsnd has stepped up a lot in terms of just compensation. How pleasant are the other times you spend with him? If he is willing to ruin a marriage saving weekend of UA because you brought up the affair, he had not told the entire truth about, that is not smart.
Have you done the other steps?

As I said, our fights are my AO and his silent treatment. I wasn't searching for information... People you may know, flashed across my FB, I clicked on her picture. I didn't go looking, I realize I am dumb enough for clicking on it.. He's been honest about details of the A's ... I got the information from the AP's. Except #1's age... I told him how old she really was when this went on, and if he really knew how old she was? He said, she told me she was 26. I said are you sure? He said it was so long ago I don't remember... Interesting enough.. She doesn't remember when this happened either (year) I got an estimate because where his job was located at the time.
After that there was no more discussion. I just wanted to talk it out and be done with it. Like all the other things I have had to listen to.
He's never yelled at me, no name calling Ever, no belittling, just won't talk either.
Like I had mentioned Dr Harley sent me Surviving an affair. Haven't read it yet.
He has had NC with either of them. Texted OW#2 told her never to contact either of us. His "friends" are not friends of the marriage and only has contact when he has to at work, which is not very often, he moved divisions. OW#1 after i confronted her, she told me if he still has her # to delete it. Both are single. There isn't anyone to contact. Our families and children know.
We were doing well in this department... Just working on us.. That's why we were going out of town for the weekend. I wasn't going to have an AO, and didn't know how to proceed. Ugh

Why would I want to spend time with him? Well besides not talking when we fight, we get along great. Can that be considered a fight?

I continued with the weekend because I really thought we'd talk about it, deal with it and move on.

Which should we read first: the HWSW and workbook or surviving an affair

Read SAA first.

Who on the OW(s)'s sides were the affairs exposed to?

What has been done from this list?

Have all conditions that allowed the affair been stopped and/or changed?


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I heartily disagree with the sentiment here.

What is not smart is bringing up the affair at the beginning of what should have been a pleasant trip.

Or checking out the OW's page on Facebook.

That glance of her Facebook profile set the recovery back to Day #1. Bringing up the affair sets recovery back to day #1.


If the "issue" is having all questions answered honestly, set up a polygraph and GET IT OVER WITH.

Recovery will never progress as long as the affair can be a topic of discussion.

It will never progress if either spouse is making contact by browsing social media profiles.


And, it will never progress so long as angry outbursts are happening.

There are no excuses for angry outbursts. No circumstances in which they are justified from an MB perspective.

I totally agree, but I also find giving your spouse the silent treatment for the entire weekend abusive. AO are a no go, but giving your spouse the silent treatment is agressive in its own right.

Have you listened to these to help with your AOs?

Anger Management 101

You have AOs because you decide to. You think it's ok. You want something and when you do, you are willing to use any means necessary to get it.

If you want your husband to talk to you, stop terrorizing him.

I don't mean cut down, I mean stop. One more angry outburst could see him leave if he is at the stage where he clams up in response to you.

The way to stop being angry is to stop being an enforcer who won't take no for an answer. If your husband doesn't want to talk to you that is his right.

Going to an MC was your first mistake! It's the best possible way to keep negative emotions alive. The woman's clearly a fool. 'Get past it' is not clear at all.

You need to know that one more outburst is too many. You also need proactive management techniques from specialized anger management teachers and possibly a GSR monitor.

Jaern this won't work. The situation is such that the A could restart any time. Social media should be deleted and his number changed. Email too. A proper NC letter should be sent that she can't contact him about afterwards.

No wonder you are still jumpy.

Nobody... On OW's I don't know them and wouldn't know how to.. They were are both single.. Should I contact their parents? Which I wouldn't know how to get ahold of.. An since he is to have NC the only way to contact their family would be ask for their information

HH I agree with you totally that it's unacceptable but she needs to see what his behaviour is like in an atmosphere where there is no risk of an AO.

Loving behaviour is not possible in an angry environment. For example honesty. It is not possible or safe to be honest with an angry person.

If he exhibits silent treatment or dishonesty when she is persistently calm, then she can view that as the problem then. For now however, we cannot assume that he would be.

Anger also sends a weak message. It makes her look desperate and unwilling to leave. A calm person is encouraging of good behaviour and willing to leave bad behaviour.

I got over my AOs when I got here and I heartily recommend it to her.

You still have access to their FB page right?

Use it for exposure before deleting it for NC.

I'll get you the exposure link.