Hi,

Little background, I am from Ireland, my wife (33) and I (36) have been together for 15 years and married for 6. We have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. We built a beautiful home together on her parents farm where her dad was kind enough to give us a site. We have been through thick and thin together and always totally in love with each other, I never had any reason to believe otherwise as we were so good to each other and I could tell- I always felt loved and I did my best to reciprocate that love.

Soon after our daughter was born, my wife developed post natal depression which she got counselling for and medication, but unfortunately it developed into full blown depression which was controlled with Serataline anti depressants. It affected her work and she had a period off work before she returned and switched jobs. Unfortunately in her next job, she was workplace bullied by her manager which led to a relapse and another period off work before she left that job. We were struggling financially, but it was what she needed to do for her own mental health and I supported that- whatever she needed to do to get better. She is a really intelligent and driven lady and she got another job about 18 months ago which she was sure would suit her and naturally we were both delighted as things seemed to be going well, and they were.

Anyway, in February just gone (2015) she was determined to get off the anti depressants as they were making her feel tired and bloated so she took a week off to wean herself off the last part, (she had in previous months, with proper guidance, weaned herself down from 150mg to 50mg). With a lot of my help, it really is horrible watching someone you love going through the withdrawal symptoms, she got off them and in the coming weeks and months things were getting better and better, and her confidence returned, we began having more intimate time together- that had been sorely missing for a coupl! e of years as a combination of her lack of libido and my loss ! of confi dence had put things on hold. She longed for us to have another baby and in April began taking Folic acid in anticipation of us trying. In May, we attended a couple of get togethers and weddings which took us away to hotels for the weekend- it was blissful, I hadn't felt more loved in a long time and I felt the same about her and told her so. Everyone commented on how happy we were, and unknown to me at the time, she was singing my praises for helping her get through her illness- she said most other men wouldnt have put up with her- she also told the girls there of her delight at the prospect of trying for a baby. The summer was looking good, and there was light at the end of a tough couple of years.

June was ok, busy at work for both of us, but we booked our holidays together with our daughter for mid July and we both looked forward to it as a focal point. In hindsight, she was moody and a bit 'off' with me but I didn't notice too much at the time.

Anyway, 4th July when I came home from work she told me to sit down. She then told me that she had fallen in love with another man and that I knew who he was... I genuinely had no idea so I made her tell me, it was a co worker who is 34. To say my world came crashing down was an understatment. She began to tell me that it was possible to love 2 men, I was in bewilderment and left, got into my van and went for a drive, tears streaming down my face- I couldnt take it in.

When I met her again later that evening she told me that it began as a Facebook relationship, but developed into a strong emotional attachment and that she loves him. She told me that nothing physical had happened , and call me niave, I believe her. In her mind she was making it ok by telling me first. She and i are both Catholics and all her core values previously were about family and charity etc. I know everyone says it, but this really is so out of character for her that absolutely nobody who is told can believe it.

I asked her what her plans were and she told me they were going to 'date' and get to know each other better. When she got angry with me in the next day or 2, she told me that I had never made the right decisions with money, that I spent too much time working, that I spent too much time creating the 'perfect home', too much time helping others and the dagger to the heart, 'that we were never right for each other'. I promise you we were and are. That hurt so much after everything that we've been through. Oh, she also blamed me for her depression, saying that I had always made the wrong decisions.

I held my hand up and admitted that there were things we both needed to work on, but nothing insurmountable, no reason at all to leave a marriage. Did the usual, begging, pleading, crying, but to no avail. By the way, the other guy has walked out on a relationship and marriage of 18 years and left a wife and 2 kids, one of them with autism behind.

I soon realised from reading online that begging will get me nowhere so that stopped after a week or 10 days, I wrote her a letter, letting her know exactly how I feel and that I respected that she felt she needed to this for herself, but that I didn't agree with her and told her that there was infinite happiness and love for her at home and that nothing is irretrievable with love. She told me that for the first time in her life she is doing something for herself and that she has to do this.

Most of her family are in pieces and strongly disagree with her- her mother is a whole other story and is [censored] crazy. Her father has pleaded with her to reconsider and has been over to talk to me on numerous occasions.

Over the time since, she has been cold and methodical with me, almost robot like, zero emotions, she wont let her guard down at all. Except for 3 occasions, when she admitted to me that she didn't know if it was worth it, how did we get here?, and another time when she squeezed me and was crying.
Her father thinks she is all over the place in her quiet time.

She also said to me at one point she wanted me to leave our home and that the OM had agreed to live there some day.
He basically wants my wife, my home and my child, everything that I love in my life. I was teetering a couple of days after she broke the news to me and nearly left, but somehow got the strength to stay- it's my home and I've done nothing wrong. I want to keep it a happy home for me and my daughter.

So, my wife is living with her parents (about 500 yards away), the OM is living with his parents, and she spends all her time on Facebook to him, sees him at work obviously and sees him some at the weekend. I asked her 2 weeks ago if she had slept with him- she angrily told me that the answer at that point was no, but to never ask her again, it wasnt my concern. Doesn't bode well.

She has told me in no uncertain terms that we are over/finished but she doesnt want a divorce. Told me I need to accept that, told me to move on with my life.
I can't and I won't give up on her yet. I am being minimal in talking to her or contacting her now, though when I do see her, I ask if she is ok? I can't be a doormat either.
I want more than anything in my life to have her home again and I stiil love her and would do everything I had to to learn to forgive and trust her again, but I know right now I may have to just 'let her go' and pray.

In my own mind, she is infatuated with this guy- it all happened so fast. At the end of May, he told her he would leave his wife & kids for her and one month later, thay are in a relationship.

I truely believe that if he hadn't already left his family, we would be working things out. Now, in her mind, its gone too far and they will make it work, love will conquer all so to speak.

The couple of times she let her guard down with me, there were chinks of light, but as soon as she speaks to him or spends time with him, the walls are up again. She has always been stubborn and determined. I guess they both pledged to each other, no going back.

The really galling thing is that he actively pursued and flattered her (I've seen the messages) it started round the time she came off the meds and he knew she was vulnerable. He knew far too much and told her he was 'just a pal who wanted the best for her'. I know she is not innocent in this, but he told her everything she needed to hear basically and she lapped it up.

Please help me and tell me if I am doing right. I am hoping at some point the limerance will end and the true girl I know will shine through when the gloss has worn off this affair. Oh, she says it's not an affair as she told me about it first.

Sorry if that was a litte long winded, any advice welcome.


Thanks.

Hello Sarma, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to try and kill the affair by exposing it. It is too bad that your in-laws are not more supportive and have taken her in. If they would agree to help you save your marriage, you would have a better chance. I would put on a full force campaign to run this dirtbag off. OM are typically cowards who run at the first sign of trouble.

I would expose him to his family and friends and to the employer using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread. I would also email all of her family and your family asking them all for their support. You should email those who already know too. Go read the exposure thread in my signature for tactics.

I would also ask your inlaws to visit the OM and his parents and tell him he will never be allowed to darken their doorstep. Hopefully they are not planning on hosting this adulterous affair.

One huge red flag in reading your post is your wife's philosophy of marriage. She very clearly feels she has an entitlement to adultery. Most adulterers are not this flagrant. Does your wife feel that she is entitled to pursue any new relationships while married?

Thanks Melody,

It is out in the open, they have both told their managers and HR department at work, I don't know how that went, but I'm sure the spin that they put on it is that they were both in unhappy marriages and this is true love. I'm sure it will be frowned upon by some at work, but they have no legal right to do anything about it.

My wife has also told her friends 'her news' and wants them all to be happy for her. I am sure she has painted me in a bad light and I am not perfect, but I promise you everything i told in my original post is the truth, warts and all. I have no reason to lie. I am meeting one of her friends this week to chat, she is 'worried about her', I mean this could not be further from the girl that we all know and love.

At this point though, all efforts by anyone to convince her this is a bad idea fall on deaf ears and actually push her further away and make her more determined. That's why I decided to let it run for a little while. She knows how I feel and that I would do whatever work necessary, but she doesn't want to hear it.

It's desparately frustrating, but i don't see what else I can do at the minute. It's not your average affair...in her eyes, it's not an affair at all.

This is why you need to report it yourself. The story is probably being spun by the adulterers so they need the true and full story. That way the employers can watch them at work to make sure they aren't carrying on there. That will put more pressure on the affair.


Please read my exposure thread. You are not being strategic about this. I would expose to them all within the same 24 hour period and ask for their support. It needs to hit your wife and the OM like a tsunami.

Does she have "friends" who will support her in self destructive behavior?


Thats fine if you want to sit on the sidelines and enable the affair, but you won't save your marriage that way. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring that won't be forgotten when she comes out of the fog. She will remember you didn't care enough to fight for your marriage.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting the truth out there makes them much less palatable. It is like bringing a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high!!

And you don't know who will be able to get through to her. When you expose to his parents and friends, you will make it much harder for her to integrate him into her life. She will be embarrassed to show her face around his family when they find out she is just an adulterer who is still with her husband.

Anyway, we can help you if you will follow the steps. We can't help you if you enable the affair.

]
She is determined NOW. That is why you are here. She is determined because of her affair is going strong. Therefore, the ONLY chance you have is to kill the affair - or at least hasten its death.

If you are planning to sit around and ENABLE the affair, then your chances are zilch. WE have saved our own marriages using these tactics, so if you want to have a chance, you will have to get to work!

While there are no guarantees, here is how you save a marriage. This man's marriage was all but gone when he arrived here, until he stood up and started fighting for her. If you won't fight for your marriage, you are forfeiting your marriage: read here

According to Sooo many Betrayed Spouses that show up here stating that "This Is Not The Average Affair".

Baloney!!!

Get your mind straightened out and learn that 99.9% of All Affairs are Copy/Paste in their similarities.

Then, in your last sentence you believe the Wayward when she is subconsciously trying to make Herself believe that it is Not an Affair, but rather what God Intended and they are Soul Mate Shmoopies.

Another thing, Don't put Any Value in waiting for her Limerence to fade. A couple of proclaimed experts think that it the first requirement to reunite.

The ONLY Thing that I have seen work is Wide Exposure done by YOU, asking for specific help keeping another POSOM from having Any Contact at all with Your Wife and attempting to take over your place in YOUR Family.

One month prior to My Wife beginning her first of many affairs, she had written me such a beautiful message stating that:

"I can't believe how my life has turned out. I have more in my life than I could have ever Asked, Dreamed or Prayed for. First, I have the most beautiful home in the most perfect neighborhood to raise a Family. Next, I have the most adorable little boy who amazes each and every day. But most of all I have my Hubby (name), who absolutely adores me. I thank God every single day for putting (my name) in my life. I will love you always and forever."

Now, does that sound similar to the way your Wayward Wife had described your marriage? My boy was only 4 years old when SHE initially reached out to the first creep affair partner. Now, he is 12 1/2 years old. I didn't know about or use this forum, but the biggest thing I would have done differently in hindsight is a full scale assault on tbe affair and quickly contacting and exposing her affair to as many people on her side especially, then to my side, then anyone I could on the POSOM's side and even though hers was not a workplace affair, due to her also relapsing back to drinking alcohol, I would have contacted the HR Department to inform them of what else was concurring at the same time to put pressure on her ending that affair and possibly set her up to lose her school bus driving job.

LISTEN to Melody Lane and do NOT believe your situation is one iota different tban all the others on how to end their affairs.

You better Man Up more to your Father-In-Law. You NEED his influence and he needs to wake up and see how his little Angel is not only destroying herself, but his 4 year old Granddaughter and also a good Son-In-Law.

LTL

Thanks guys. It has been 1 month since she told me, she didnt try to hide it from me or deceive me, said she couldnt do that to me, but that she had to do this for her 1 chance of happiness- its crazy, you'd swear we constantly fought or that I beat her or something. I promise you she was so happy with our life before this pos moved in on her and convinced her she would be happier with him- he's so in touch with his emotions (her words).

As I said, its out in the open and her work colleagues know, her friends know (not all of them I'd bet), and her family know. His side all know too and he is living with his parents too.
Is there still something to be achieved by writing to everyone and giving my side of the story or would it be diluted now given the circumstances and time passed? The week after she told me, she was going round elated, asking people if they heard her 'news'. Its just mental. Her dad said it was a false high.

Lots of my family and some of her friends wanted to write to her but everyone was walking on eggshells in case it affected our chances of a reconciliation. People are all disgusted but probably dont want to get involved or voice their feelings but I know a lot who would if I asked them.

My wife was here this evening dropping off our daughter, the same walls were up, distant and cold with me. I asked her if she was ok and she said she was doing good, and said I seemed to be coping very well. Inside I am dying but I didnt let her see it.
I told her that I was still here if she wanted to talk to me but she said she was moving on & it was best for both of us. I gave her a hug but it was all me.
Softly softly and being the nice guy in Plan A isnt working, but it has only been 2 weeks in effect...

Thoughts? Thank you for all advice, its good to sound out. Its just a lot of advice I read is conflicting, a lot of sites suggest making the home welcoming, being calm and nice, patience is key, etc etc.

Help.

Although I said in my last post she didn't deceive me, she obviously did when it was still an emotional affair. She kept the extent of the messages and relationship from me. There always was a point where she could have stopped it or said no.
Instead it grew to a point where in her mind, there was only one thing to do and is logical in her mind but company irrational to everyone else.

3 huge things standing in the way of a reconciliation (assuming she wanted one-which she says she doesnt):

1. The fact he has left his wife and 2 kids. They would have both agreed that there was no going back and she will want to stick to that. She is extremely stubborn.

2.Her job. She loves her job/career and knows she will have to sacrafice it if we are to have any chance.

3. Her mother. She is and always has been batsh1t crazy. She told her that if she wasnt happy, then she was doing the right thing, and is going round telling everyone how nice this new fella is, that he will 'fit right in'. This is a woman that I never had a bad word with, she would sit here for hours chatting to me even if my wife wasnt here. I was always the favourite son in law, but now at her daughters say so, I am enemy no. 1.
She is not only enabling her affair, but encouraging it. She also said 'Why is he still there? (In my home) would he not take the hint?' Like I said, crazy.
Little background on the mother though, rumour was a few years back that she was having an affair. Her and her husband sleep in separate rooms and have a funny relationship. My wifes dads sympathies are totally with me, but to a certain extent he is enabling it too by allowing her to stay there. He told me he never wants to meet this new guy and disagrees with his daughters actions. I can tell he is heartbroken.
My fear is that with time, his opinions will change, and be will accept this om into his life.

Thanks.

Also, my wife is going away with her parents and our daughter for 4 days on Saturday & wont have much internet access where they are. Would this be good to spring the exposure for say Monday when she wouldnt have the chance to counter it for a couple of days? It would also give me a chance to prepare lists, letters, evidence etc...

You need to expose. When you expose you will be able to tell the truth.

Have you read the Exposure thread?

Also, you need to talk to the OM's BW.

If the affair is out in the open you should still expose. Actually the word exposure can be a bit confusing. Actually you will be asking people to help you save your marriage.

Your wife and OM probably told everyone, that the marriage was dead anyway and you are completely understanding. Also, you will have to contact the OM's wife to compare notes. Maybe this is not the first time he has done this and maybe he is still sleeping with his wife, etc. etc. She can give you important information and can be a valuable ally.

Ask people to use their influence with your wife to convince her to stop her affair and come back to you. Use the templates found in melodylane's thread.

Of course there are other websites that don't want you to expose, but if you read a little bit further, you will see, that they often recommend that you wait for years untill your wife is dumped by this man or dumps him. There is no guarantee that she will come back to you though in that situation. Even worse, she will see you as some kind of whimp.

So, exposure makes the whole process go faster. Expose OM and destroy the affair.

I want to caution you against placing any credence in her being honest about her affair. That does not change the gravity of the situation or make adultery right.


Every one rightly assumes you are all on board, because you are allowing her to spin the story. As such, most people are not hearing the truth, so they are not stepping in to help you.

i have tried to explain to you what will be achieved by exposing. Did you read the exposure thread?


People will get involved if you ask for help and if you STOP being so complacent. But why would they lift a finger to save your marriage when you won't?


Not sure why you would want her to believe everything is ok, unless you simply don't care.


Enabling is not Plan A. You are in Plan sarmaghbhoy1, just doing nothing.


We are not giving you conflicting advice. We are giving you the tried and true tactics that were developed by clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair, Dr Bill Harley.

If you persist in enabling her affair, I give this no hope. You are wasting our valuable time if you refuse to take the advice. We have already saved our marriages and don't have time to post to someone who is going to ignore the steps to recovery.

Suggestion: stop blogging and start following the steps. You will not save your marriage by blogging. Your inaction and complacence is what is standing in your way.

This is not a blogging forum. This is an action forum where certain steps are followed.

Thanks Melody,

I do appreciate everything you are saying and I have read your exposure thread and that guys recovery story. It does make sense and I am planning to get things together tomorrow & Friday, ready for a full implementation on Monday morning. (I want everything to hit at once and her office will be closed til then)

I didnt mean that those who replied were giving conflicting advice, I meant reading accross different sites and blogs etc.

Wish me luck, I am nervous about this but realise its for the greater good.

Thank you.

Will you be contacting OM's BW?

Bravery and firmness is attractive....even IF it makes her angry and nasty.
The angrier she gets, the better.
It means you hit bull's eye with her fantasy of having two men.

I already tried twice, she didnt reply. Will try again. She wants nothing to do with her WH and I can imagine what she thinks of my wife...

Good man! My suggestion would be to expose on Sunday so the most folks read your exposure because they are off work. You can send the exposure letter to their business and it will hit them on Monday. When it hits on Monday, you will be done and can sit back and enjoy the action.

Did I read that the OM is married? If so, you should put his wife at the top of the list and then move down his entire family and friend list.


Understand. Most people have no earthly idea how to save marriages but it doesn't stop them from all having "opinions."


will do!! We will be here to help and support you.