I've been following your thread. You're doing awesome!


Question to Melodylane and other vets on here:
I've seen you advise women to change the locks so the WS can't get in, and then law enforcement will have the courts sort out ownership of the home in the case of a divorce.

Do you ever recommend a betrayed husband do this to pre-empt his WS from doing that to him? Also, Sarmaghbhoy said he is "from Ireland" - I don't know if he lives there now or used to and is now in the USA - but if he's in Ireland, would that factor in to whether he could/should do that? I know the house is on her father's property which may matter.

In general, no. Husbands are not to lock their WWs out.

The difference has it's root in the fact that betrayed husbands are recommended to use Plan A for up to two years, whereas betrayed wives are to do a Plan A for no longer than three weeks, and then go into Plan B. You can't execute an effective Plan A by locking the other person out of the house. BHs are to remain as inviting as possible and attempt to win their WWs back.

OK, update. My wife dropped my daughter back with me at 2 oclock today and didn't mention anything to me at all about the exposure. That would be like her, she wouldn't want me to know that she was annoyed by it, she is very stubborn. It has to have affected her in some way, shame, guilt, even if she didn't acknowledge it. I'd say OM was pi**ed, it would have been him who deleted and then re set up their facebook profiles. He is the tech geek.
He is a manipulating ba**ard, he is pulling all the strings from his safehouse, telling her exactly what to say and do. They are away somewhere tonight and it's breaking my heart.

On him, I will be confronting him tomorrow evening- it's the first evening he has been around and the first oppertunity I will have. Have to be careful not to issue any threats, just going to tell him exactly what he is, a parasite, and that he will never be living in my home with my wife and child and he needs to understand that.

I am so low this evening...she has completely locked me out of her life and wont engage with me on any level, this is the same girl who was so in love with me in May and wanted nothing more than to have another child with me. I spoke to a good friend of hers last night and she cant believe it, she was singing my praises when they last met and told everyone that I was her 'rock'.
How can I ever win her back when she wont even look at me? She is going round as if she is floating on a cloud, like a teenager in love.
After this confrontation tomorrow, I suppose I just get on with my life as best I can. I can't ask her any more to end the affair- I have said it to her in every way imaginable and she doesn't care who she hurts. It's kinda an 'Us against the world' mentality with them, we don't care what anyone thinks.

On the exposure letters I sent out, I mostly got no reply as expected- I wouldn't know what to write back if I received it-, got a good few messages of support and sympathy from her extended family, a few unexpected nice replies from her friends, one reply supporting me from the OM's circle of friends. No negative replies.

So yeah, low tonight and sad, but after the confrontation with OM tomorrow, I suppose it's get on with things as best I can and sit tight.

Thank you all.

You've done great. Take someone with you when you confront OM. Or do it in a public place.

Good job, Sarm. Hang in there. Your wife is in a fog and her hurtful actions and cruel insensitivity are devastating. Sorry my friend. If you can break up this affair, and you're taking the right steps so far, she may one day snap out of it.

I'm surprised that she is not acting out in anger. That is almost always the reaction. Your wife's cold, analytical approach to her affair is outside of the typical wayward script, but her callous indifference to your feelings is not.

Good luck confronting the POSOM. I'm glad you're doing it, but, again, I don't suggest you do it alone at his home. Doing it at his workplace will disarm and embarrass him. And if there are others around, he can't accuse you of doing something you didn't do. Speaking of which, you might carry a VAR with you, or record the conversation on your cell phone.

If you need (limited) acces to her postings on FB, here's a trick. She (or OM) blocked you to see anything on their FB. Often "friends of friends" can see more than a blocked contact.
A lot of people play stupid games on FB and need friends to get lives in those stupid games. Those people accept almost any invite, as long as it enebles them to play *insert stupid game like candy crush*.

You can register a new FB account, befriend some stupis game players with 1000+ friends, then become friends with some of his/her game playing friends. Use a new mailadress to register, different browser, so you keep your snooping account away from your own account. FB is very good at connecting "people you may know" by using cookies.

When you are "friend of a friend", you can use google to search. Search "site:facebook.com" + "facebook name of spouse/OM", search web as well as images. Google cache may also give usefull info.

Setting up a snooping account now may prove usefull in the future, if you want to snoop after "no contact" has been established.

OK, big update time. Well, after my wife being all cool yesterday about the exposure letters and pretending it didn't annoy her, it was time for the main target this evening, the OM.
He lives about an hour away, so after work my brother and I left to pay him a visit. I was somewhat nervous, but confident I could control myself and I wore a wire so I could record what happened. We arrived at his fathers house where he is staying and I parked down the street a little so he couldn't see us coming. His car was parked outside so it looked like he would be in.

I knocked the door over and over, there were no lights on inside or sign of life, so I figured it must be out for a jog, he does that sometimes. We left to call back again. I got a text from an ally saying that he was definately in so we called back 5 mins later....car was gone, the fu**ing yellow bast**d was inside all along, cowering. We went and got something to eat and called again 1 hour later- the car was in the driveway and was warm so knew he was there, knocked on the door loudly for 10 minutes with no reply- we had seen the tv on and be turned off in this time so knew he was there, he was hiding. I didn't want to be there too long so we left after saying through the letterbox; I will be back, you yellow bast**d.

Got home to my mother in hysterics- my wife had phoned her. Apparently the OM, whilst cowering, had phoned her saying that we were beating the windows, saying that we were going to 'get him', and that he was going to call the police. Total lies, and I have the voice recording to prove it. Scumbag.
My wife also let it slip that she was fuming that the chief executive of her workplace had got my exposure letter along with some work colleagues in NYC, she asked why did these people have to know and insisted to my mother that she wasn't having an affair, that it was different!
So, I suppose the desired anger finally came out. She told my mother that she had made her decision and couldn't help her feelings- my mother said, of course you can, you are married with a daughter...she had no reply!
Wife also said she didn't want to see me arrested.

So, I was buzzing after seeing what a coward I am dealing with and really want to confront him at his workplace, but have been told not to, that he could claim harrasment and call the police. I haven't done anything so far except knock on a door and I am confident I can control myself to confront him again...thoughts??

You did great!! I would back off now because pansies do desperate things like call the cops. He is like most OM, in that he is a wuss and a coward. So the way you run that piece of crap off is wide spread exposure. If there is anyone on his side who hasn't been told, I would finish that up. What about his father? What about his Facebook contacts? Have you reached them all?

Very SMART of you to record your interaction!! You did very well, my friend!!

This is the OM:

here is sarmaghboy:

So he called your wife to rescue him? That cannot be very attractive. It's surely going to help her wake up to the fact that he's a loser.

Please protect me!!! WAAA WAAAA!!!

Be sure to share the news with your WW. Tell her what really happened, and how he behaved like a coward, and offer to let her listen to the recording. She won't do it, but she will know that you are telling the truth, and that her AP is a weasel. You've just put a big chink in his armor.

Oh, and kudos to your awesome mom for not sugarcoating things with your WW. Very well played by both of you today.

Good job sarmaghbhoy1!!

Yup OM is a typical spineless coward.

Keep it up!!

Oh.....you are messing up all their fun.

They are going to desperately try to paint you as the bad guy here to recapture the joy they are buying into with each other.

Prepare for hostility like you have never witnessed from your wife before. Threats of legal actions, etc.

Stay focused and do not get pulled into arguments.

Ok, really quick update, will update properly later...turns out they are really pissed after all- about the exposure letters, confrontation attempt etc! The OM is apparantely going to report me to the police for harasassment- all I did was knock on his door, wouldnt think he has a leg to stand on. My wife said she didnt want this to happen to me and wanted to talk. I said that I haven't talked to her properly in the 6 weeks since she left as she always has her walls up and wont talk to me as we should or open up at all. She said she would talk to me tonight and is coming over in 40 mins.

I don't expect much to change but if I could continue to put some doubt in her mind, that would be great. I am going to tell her I did what I did because I love her and want our marriage to work, that I am fighting for both of us as she cant fight for herself right now, and that I will continue to fight for us.

Hopefully the wife I know turns up and not the stranger that has been here for 6 weeks or so. Any tips, make them quick...

I will also let her know that there is a way back to an even better marriage, that the door is open to her.

Thanks

Do not appologize for exposing. Just tell her you love her and want your marriage to work. She may not show or even acknowledge it, but women love it when a man stands up and protects her and fight for her. women love strong men, or those that give that impression. It is a primal instinct. You can be sure that your unwavering strength in fighting for her and OM'S COWARDICE will be recorded by her fogged out mind subconciously.

Stay calm and repeat like a broken record that you love her and want your marriage to be better than before. It is not wrong to say that the affair is hurting you, but focus on her needs (plan A) and ending the affair.

there are excellent ideas on after exposure convedsation in Melodylane's exposure thread.

The OM does not have a leg to stand on. Don't worry about that.

Don't include anything about her not thinking clearly or not being able to do certain things. Just focus on letting her know that you can build a new and happier marriage together and that you are fighting for that reason.

Yes, this. And let your wife know that if he calls the police you would enthusiastically meet with them to share what really happened. Her AP doesn't want that.

Your wife hasn't shown hysterics outwardly. She's much cooler than most in this regard, but inside things are churning like a tornedo, even if she doesn't show it. If she questions exposure, just tell her you are asking people to support your marriage, which you are not giving up on. Leave it at that.

If she asks about your visit with other man, I would tell her that you are fighting for your marriage and that you visited him to tell him to stay away from my wife. But also mention that he was too afraid to answer the door and that he hid from you. Paint a picture of him as a coward. This will work in your favor big time.

Stay calm, show confidence, and be the picture of reasonableness. Don't argue. Don't educate. Don't cry. Don't pander to any accusations she makes. Avoid disrespectful judgments. Just make it clear that you are strong, you are fighting for your marriage, and you are offering a safe landing spot when the affair is over. Also mention that you have a plan for a marriage that is happy, romantic, and fulfilling.

Ok, she just left after 2 hours. We spoke calmly the whole time, no shouting or arguing. I did let her know that I thought what she was doing was wrong and that it was the wrong choice.
I told her that I thought that she had been manipulated and that he will show his true colours in time and she will realise that she had made a bad choice.

We talked about what had been wrong in the marriage, she is of the belief that I made some bad financial decisions over the years and that it had contributed to prolonging her depression due to stress levels. I held my hands up to making some bad decisions, but that I had always been there for her during her illness and had always wanted what was best for my family fundamentally. She also accused me of being a perfectionist in everything I do and that it was only stuff...

She said that we hadn't been happy for 4 or 5 years and that there was constant pressure over money- there was to a certain extent and I know that money is the only thing we ever argued over in all our years together. We had of course been happy most of the time, but she is rewriting history to suit her story.

Anyway, she told me that the OM had asked her 4 or 5 times over the past couple of months to be together with him and that he loved her. She rebuffed him until she said that she couldn't fight her feelings anymore and that she loves him so much and that he is the man for her. She doesn't want to hurt anyone especially me but that she had to do what is right for her for the first time in her life- that she had always put other people first her whole life.

She calmly asked me if I was getting all the support that I need from friends and family and said she hoped that I could move on with my life from here and find happiness. She is so determined that this is real love that it is hard to see how she will ever come out of it. I am so sad.

She asked me why I had done all those things this week, the emails and the confrontation, I said that I was fighting for my marriage and family and would continue to do so until the day I die.
She said I was going completely the wrong way about it and that I had hurt her so much and put her in a very awkward position at work- she wanted to know the logic behind it....I said again that I was fighting for my marriage and I would one day explain it to her.

Anyway, I held her hands and, looking into her eyes, told her that we could have a marriage that could be happier than we ever had been, we could make the changes to do that. She asked what I wanted in an ideal world- I said for you to come back so we can do what we need to to make this better...she said but I would be in love with another man, I said that we could address that but there needed to be no contact, she said that she wasn't willing to do that and that she was moving on and planning her new life with him now.

So all very amicable but I am no closer to winning her back. She said she wanted for us to be friends, I said that I would never be just friends, that we are married and I loved her unconditionally.

What the hell do I do now...just get on with my life as best I can?
I am heartbroken at how calm & matter of fact she is about it all.
I was strong for the most part, but did cry when I talked about she had went to OM for emotional support when I was right there for her, longing to be loved.

Feeling empty.