Sure. The important part was that you interviewed 10.

Dr. Harley's talked about how he and Joyce (when they were dating) split up at one point to see other people and then decided after dating other people that they enjoyed each other the most. Or maybe he decided that about Joyce after dating other women. Something along those lines, I've heard him talk about it on the radio show.

This is an interesting topic for me. I haven't started dating, but I'm thinking about it.

Thank you for the encouragement.

If we could help these kids with their fundamentals it would be very important so that would be awesome. My church is in a fairly rough neighborhood and many of these kids who have started coming are from broken homes without good role models or an understanding of opportunity. Obviously we are the most concerned about their salvation but if we could help them become good players I think it would really open doors for them to get into college and out of pretty rough home situations. They are plenty athletic, it's just more a matter of helping them develop skills that coaches and recruiters will look for, if you know what I mean.

We are on week 3 and already have more kids coming and bringing friends so it's very exciting. I used to be involved in Fellowship of Christian Athletes in my playing days and we're modeling this around what FCA does, with competition/scrimmages and drills mixed with some devotional time/messages. I get in and play with the kids and have some college-age friends helping out so it's a great workout too. :P

Yeah, same here. Keep us posted when you do start dating!

Will do. Thanks for letting me thread jack.

This is something that's been eating at me a bit, and I know many of the BSes here who've remarried must have dealt with, so I thought I'd put it out there.

How do you ever trust the new in-laws?

I'm nowhere close to remarried (I'm not even dating yet), but I honestly feel more and more like there was a pretty big betrayal on the part of my in-laws, specifically my ex's parents. And I know this isn't uncommon here.

My ex-FIL is an ordained minister who is chief executive of a large US missions outreach program. He did our wedding ceremony, we agreed on most matters of theology despite coming from different denominations, and Christianity was important and visibly regarded to this family. We were very close to this family, we did all of the big holidays together, and we all got along just fantastically. Enjoyed each other's company, would hang out just to see each other, inside jokes, etc.

But when it counted, after d-day and exposure, this guy just folded up like an accordion. No moral backbone. I am terrible about being concise and so even as much as I wrote here about our exchanges after exposure, I didn't write many things because of how much was going through my head, and how hard I was fighting to stay positive. Lots of things stick out now, with the clarity of hindsight.

First thing this guy said to me after I exposed the affair (which was a "sit down at the kitchen table" conversation with my ex-MIL/FIL at their house...what a doozy), was he says "well, ax, you know I'll always love my daughter, no matter what she's done."

At the time I couldn't really process what this meant, but I certainly wasn't asking him to STOP loving his daughter. I simply wanted his help in saving our marriage, and was hoping he would try to hold her accountable. Not sure he ever did, until it was far, far too late. And even then he was always scared of stepping on my ex-ww's toes. Last in-person conversation we had was about how he felt their family had lost my ex-ww's trust and would never get it back, I guess because they expected her to honor her wedding vows. He didn't directly blame me for this, but was just lamenting it while trying to posture himself as supportive of reconciliation between my then wife and I.

My ex-MIL reacted a lot differently (was MUCH more supportive), but was very emotional and I think was butting heads with ex-FIL about the issue. By the end of my Plan A, she had sent me an email saying while she didn't want us to divorce, if I loved my ex-ww, I would let her go because her daughter's heart was set on divorce. The ILs in general were split with the older siblings being more critical of my ex-WW and the younger siblings being more critical of me. My younger SIL sent me some messages on FB at one point that were basically trying to equivocate my faults as a husband with my wife's choice to have an affair. This was in a group FB message that was started shortly after I exposed, and so her siblings saw all of it. The older SIL sent me a message apologizing for what the younger one said, and then called her on the phone and chewed her out, and later I got an apology message from the younger. This actually happened twice, and I just held my tongue because I was worried about burning bridges.

That probably is familiar territory for a lot of you BSes who have exposed. It was a nightmare, it was like unreality. I know this whole deal is extremely hurtful and difficult for everyone, but I felt like some of these guys just turned on a dime and now I just wonder how I so completely misjudged them.

When the dating becomes serious, when you start talking marriage with a new family, how do you former BSes ever deal with that? I'm very optimistic about my future in general but that still haunts me. I worry I'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Dr. Harley has some great advice about in-laws in Love Busters and in His Needs, Her Needs For Parents.

In general, if the in-laws are causing a problem, the Policy of Joint Agreement is the solution. Typically your spouse would need to go to their parents, spell out what they are doing that is a problem, and insist that they stop. If they don't stop, you and your spouse might need to go on your way in life without them, at least for awhile.

When you have a plan to protect yourself from people who might hurt you, like in-laws, you don't have to fear as much what they might do. If they want to have a great relationship with you, great, and if they don't want to treat you right then you protect yourself.

Well you have no right to expect anything of anyone in life.
proceed on that basis.

If the said anyone is a stranger, sure.

But if I have a relationship with that person, that changes. I went all over the place with my original reply...really...MB is based on expectations, at least it looks that way to me. That's all there is to say. Relationships as I see them defined here (even platonic ones), have some expectations.

I feel getting married without developing any relationship with my future wife's family would be a difficult task. :P

Its true that you marry her family to a degree but what do you want?
A crystal ball for the future on how they will react if she cheats?
I think you are putting the cart before the horse.

All I'm asking is for someone who's actually been down the road to describe the experience. I don't think it's an unreasonable question, just a natural curiosity. Betrayal is a powerful thing.

I think it's very reasonable, ax. My in laws threw me under the bus hard core. They posted negative stuff about me on FB, called me names and tried to turn my daughter against me. It was very painful, as painful or more painful to me to think about now than my ex, oddly enough.

Jedi, why are you so negative sometimes? I don't think your last 2 posts to ax were helpful or necessary.

x 100.

It's all about POJA. Dr Harley wants you to start practicing POJA in the dating stages. If someone isn't on board w POJA, they aren't going ot be a good spouse.

I agree.

I would not focus only on this being an issue with potential new in-laws (especially a MIL & FIL) but whoever a potential spouse has a relationship with. You need to observe how the person you date handles problems and conducts themselves with others. It's not a matter of trusting the in-laws IMO. Trusting people in general is an issue for many.

If something or someone bothers you and your dating partner isn't willing to POJA, you are better off cutting your loses. That isn't going to improve with a marriage as others have said.

Ax,
I am a FBS, and remarried another FBS. My current wife and I study and practice MB concepts to protect our marriage.

My former in laws folded as well. In particular, the FFIL, who has a lot of influence with his daughter, was more interested in preserving HIS relationship with her, than the marriage or the intact home of his grandchildren.

Honestly, if push comes to shove, that's what I expect from any in law. Anything more would be a bonus. My current in laws hold a grudge against the husband of their daughter even though he was the betrayed spouse. Even while seeing what that betrayal did to their other daughter, my wife. (one daughter the wayward in an affair, the other daughter the betrayed in a different affair, but discovered at almost the same time) I will never have a place with the in laws like he had, he was truly their son before their daughter's affair.

So I plan on operating without their support if push ever comes to shove.

Blood is thicker than reason, right, morals, whatever. Even when the truly healthy path would be to support the marriage not the affair, the inlaws seem to support the wayward child in the affair in the majority of the cases.

Sad

Thanks for chiming in, WalkTheWalk. I appreciate it.

Very interesting about your current in laws. My ex and I were the first married couple in their family and I imagine the dynamic will be similar in their minds, down the road. I think I was honestly the first romantic relationship they were aware of with any of their children, so they really took me under their wing too. Other than an occasional disagreement with my exFIL (very patriarchal family and I stood my ground when we disagreed) we were all pretty close.

I am going to do everything I can to ensure my next marriage is MB affair-proofed as possible (and find a partner who is a true buyer), so I'm not thinking of affairs as much as typical interactions and issues that come up with in-laws and what it's going to be like initially getting to know them. I want to be realistic and apply what I've learned from this situation without being too cold.

Thanks everyone for the very practical replies on how MB handles this issue.

Another option is to marry a grown up version of Orphan Annie. That way you don't have to deal with in laws then your wife can do Broadway dances for you in the kitchen while cooking dinner.

There's also the Stepford Wives option. Robots don't have parents. :P

Also includes Broadway dances in the kitchen, if needed. Only downside is what happens after Skynet is activated...

Well...probably not the ONLY....there's also having to deal with firmware upgrades and all....but it's one of the bigger ones. :P