Great advice Lexxxy, thank you. At the minute, as you say, she wouldn't accept as she won't let her barriers down when she is with me. I do know she missed our daughter yesterday, I should have invited her over for a little while. Next week!

It is so hard to be cheerful and positive with her when I know her love is for someone else at the minute. I texted her to ask her something about our daughter today, but no reply.
I never want to be 'just friends' with her.

And you won't be "just friends" with her.

She gets this version of you while you are in Plan A.

But it doesn't hurt to foreshadow PLan B. If she continues to reject your offer to restore your marriage and family, eventually you will end all contact with her.

She doesn't get both of you. She doens't get to have OM meeting certain needs, while still relying on you for family support, financial support and other EN's that you are meeting.

That is one of the reasons the affair will fail -- OM is simply unable to meet all of her ENs. He hasn't a chance of meeting her "family" EN. She just isn't placing importance on that one YET.

Ok, maybe people don't care about this but I will post updates anyway. My wife was supposed to collect our daughter at 6.30, she arrived at 6.15 and couldn't wait to get out. I asked her to let our daughter finish her dinner & sit down for a minute, in the nicest possible way. It almost seems like she doesn't want to see what she has left or 'absorb' family life at all if that makes sense.

She did sit on the couch for 10 mins with us as we spoke to our daughter, I asked her how was her day, fine was the reply.
She then went out to the kitchen and stood to wait for our daughter, I asked her again if everything was ok....fine.

She definately was irratable and looked drawn and tired. Wondering if word filtered back about the letter to OM's father?!
Hopefully work is a bit tougher on them both now too since the exposure.
Small steps, I will keep trying- who knows, in time maybe she will have a cup of tea or a drink??

I carried our daughter out to the car and was as cheerful and cordial as I could manage. The mad thing is that she is driving 500 yards on a private lane to her mother's house! I can literally look out the front window & see their house.

you did great!! Go read wifedivorcing's thread if you haven't already. He did a GREAT Plan A. Plan A is 2 pronged, killing the affair and doing your best to present an attractive alternative. When she comes to the house, make sure the house is very nice, clean and pleasant. You want her to miss all that.

And yes, I do appreciate the updates very much. Keep them coming! They are relevant to your progress and tell me where her head is at. The affair is under fire, which can only stress her out.

I for one love updates, I try to read every ones threads and compare it to my progress, or not progress. Seeing others light at the end helps keep the little hope I have left alive.

It's a hard battle to be fought and alot of times it all feels for not.

Thanks guys. Ok, busy evening. I had a phone call from a strange mobile number this evening, I answered it cautiously. It was a family member of the OMs side who was calling on behalf of OM'S father. He was lovely and totally sympathetic to my cause and said he would be praying that I could restore my family. He said that OMs father received my letter today but is in poor health & has got decidedly worse since all of this mess. He asked this family member to contact me on his behalf to thank me for the letter & pass on his apologies for his sons actions.

Anyway, the whole family are disgusted with OM & he has been told to move out of his father's home and deal with his decisions. Nobody in the family circle are speaking to him except the one who contacted me as he is acting as an intermediary between OM & his BW. He was genuinely embarrassed when talking to me and so apologetic for OM'S destructive actions. He actually referred to it as predatory behaviour and said as a father of three himself, he will be using any influence he has to help me reunite my family.
The only problem is that nobody seems to be capable of changing OM's or my wifes minds. They certainly are under pressure though because of my actions last week and I seem to have ruined the honeymoon period.

One piece of advice he did give me in confidence was not to try to contact OM again as he is primed for police intervention, feckin coward.

He was very helpful on the whole and a really nice guy who was genuinely upset at how this has happened. I assured him I would not contact OM'S father again due to his health issues, but he told me to contact him directly if I need to and he will help me in whatever way he can.
He said he wants the same outcome as me, the reunification of my family and wished me luck.

Don't trust any of OM's family. It sounds promising, but be very cautious.

Ok, I would contact the OM's wife and verify this story. It may well be legitimate, but it is not uncommon for a wayward to intercept such a letter and have someone call/email/text on their behalf to make you think the affair was exposed. Your marriage is under a full scale assault and there is very little you can take at face value.


What changes their minds is the pressure of exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure ruins them. What you have done by exposing to the OM's family is ruin your wife's hopes of integrating into his family. She will be ashamed to show her face around there now.

When you speak to her, I would discuss this conversation you had with the relative. Tell her that the OM's family, specially his father, know all about the affair and do not approve. Tell her the negative comments this man made about the OM and be sure and ADD that you are "so sad that she will never be accepted into his family because of the affair..."

Telling her this will ruin her hopes of a future with the OM.

You should also tell her parents.

Ok,

Story confirmed & verified by OM's BW. Big family meeting at OM's fathers house where he was told he needed to move out. He angrily told them 'that they all needed to get over this' and sped off in his car.

This would explain my wife's irritable behavior with me this evening as he probably went running to her saying what a bad man I was...

So, is that a result??

you did great!!!!!

yep, you are the "bad man!!!"

You popped the fantasy bubble with your assertive exposure. Well done and congratulations. And Kudos to the family for standing by what is right and just. If only more families responded this way.

Now you can turn your energies to being a strong, caring husband. Groom yourself. Polish your shoes. Wear cologne. Continue being a great dad. Be upbeat and positive. Confident and humble. Don't fawn and don't smother, but show you still care. When opportunities arise to make a kind or caring gesture seize it.

This is the stage that takes patience because it will take a long time for the fog to dissipate. And you will have to keep making love deposits with no reciprocation. This is where heroes are made.

Gratz on a victory, I hope you have many more victories to come.

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragment.

The only thing I really still have to do is take my FIL to meet OM's BW's parents so he can hear first hand what a POS the OM is and how he has treated their daughter and his children. This meeting has been scheduled and agreed for next Monday.

After that, I guess I have done all I can with regards exposure. As much as i would like to confront the POSOM, I think that he will go to the police and it won't help my case- people would see that as harrassment and some sympathy towards my side may be lost.

At the minute, the truth is out there now and the letter I sent to OM's father was shared at the meeting of OM's family, so some people that I missed with the Facebook exposure heard the full truth, not OM's version.

As I said earlier, OM's family are furious with him for what he is doing, his BW's family are gunning for him too, some people at his work probably are too, and my wife's family for the most part never want to meet him (except for my wifes mother who is crazy and has her own mental health issues).

OM has to get somewhere else to live, but I have been told in confidence that my wife is not moving in with him (at the minute), and is to continue living at her parents home.
We have agreed sharing of our daughter, with me having her 4 nights a week in our family home, and my wife having her 3 nights a week in her parents home.

Practicalities:

I am self employed and have always got our daughter up and ready for pre school in the morning as I can be flexible. I also collect her. My wife has always worked 1.5 hours away and leaves at 6.30am, returning around 6.30pm.

I don't see how my wife can move somewhere else without compromising time spent with our daughter, she won't want to do that.
OM won't be able to get a place anywhere near our home due to the widespread knowledge of his affair with my wife.

At the minute, the minimal contact I have with my wife is when she is picking up or dropping off our daughter at our family home. She usually comes in, but doesn't stay long. I need to use that time wisely from now on and try to be the perfect husband/dad, and maybe she will begin to see that her family EN's can be met here and nowhere else, maybe she will begin to see what she has left. I am always going to be home from work on time, avoid working Saturdays (which she hated), and do everything I possibly can without smothering to open her eyes to the perfect life she could have.

In any practical or rational way you look at it, this affair can't work, but (in my wife's words) love isn't rational...

They are going to be working together closely every day, then if they do live together, spending more time every evening.
The whole kids issue- he has 2 kids, one with severe autism, who he sees alternate weekends, as I said my wife and I are sharing my daughter, so there's that too.

OM's wife has told me that there is no way she would ever have him back- he has said and done too much to ever forgive.
I have been reliably informed by another person that the OM is a 'weirdo' who doesn't go out, no interests like sport, music etc, ZERO friends outside work & family who don't want to know him at the minute. So literally the only person he has is my wife.

He is not going to give her up easily, but eventually the character flaws that made him groom my wife and abandon his family have to show up in their relationship, don't they??
Little background on the OM- I have been told by his BW that their life was tough since the youngest child was diagnosed with severe autism and, in her opinion, her husband never really adjusted to it and couldn't handle the whole situation.

She said he changed after that, and in her opinion, wanted a way out but was too chicken to leave until he had a better option. Cue my wife- he had seen pictures of my home in the country, pictures of my family, my dog- a ready made life and thought 'I'll have a bit of that'. That sounds unbelievable, but that is exactly what would have happened had I left my home at the start- my wife and him had told people that's where they would live!!

OM is desperatly trying and bullying his BS to leave their family home and downsize so he can free up his equity in their home, no doubt so he has a lump of cash to try and force me from my home. It will never happen- regardless of what happens with my wife and I, I have built my home from scratch for my family and intend to bring up my daughter there, hopefully with my wife rightfully there with us.

OM is threatening his BW with courts etc, but there isn't a court in the land who would force her from her home til the kids are 18- she has been betrayed by him and is bringing up the 2 kids there. The little guy with autism needs his routine and familarity she has told me. OM is no longer paying the mortgage, my wife is no longer paying ours either.

On the whole, my wife and I's interactions are much more cordial and amicable and she hasn't mentioned the house or anything, as I had made it clear to her that I would never be leaving it. I also made it clear that it was her home too, she was welcome home but only as part of our family.

The OM's BW said to me- at least yous are talking, he is just being so nasty to me and they can't look at each other.

I do believe in her heart of hearts, she has had doubts- in the way she speaks to others she is so assertive that she is doing the right thing; " I am certain that I have made the right decision", "I am so happy with my decision"- it's almost as if she is trying to convince herself too.
She has always been stubborn and would never admit she was wrong, so this is going to be tough, but I have to believe that her position will soften, please God it will.

Everything that was dear to her was our family, our family home, family farm etc. All her core beliefs. If I thought she was a bad person, this would be easier- maybe I would have just given up on her. I know she is a great person who has done a bad thing, made a bad decision.

Based on what I have said, and I know there are no right or wrong answers, guarantees etc, does anyone with more experience of this have any thoughts on our position?

Obviously, I intend to follow plan A, whilst still trying to cause trouble for her affair when I can.

Thank you for reading.

***EDIT***

With respect Jedi_Knight, I strongly disagree. This is so far out of her character for her it's unbelievable to anybody who hears it. If I thought for one second this was in any way who she is, I wouldn't be trying so hard to save my marriage.

Granted, it is who she has become, hopefully for only a short while until she sees sense. I know she is very far from innocent in all this and is an adult who made her own choice, but we are all capable of making bad choices.

Yes.
That's one of the beauties of exposure -- it forces the waywards together in a way that rips away the fantasy. Before exposure, they are able to keep their relationship in fantasy land -- all "need meeting" and no demands of life or lovebusters. After exposure, the affair is brought into reality and that fantasy POPS like a bubble.

I disagree also Jedi.
You've spent enough time here to know that anyone is vulnerable to an affair, and will change their core beliefs and justify their behavior to fit the addiction of the affair.

Sarma --
This community is filled with success stories - and I predict yours will become one of them. Because you have followed the advice and processes here.

Now the affair will try to feed off of the sacrifices that they have made for each other -- and it will begin to die.

They will both become resentful towards each other because of what each has given up for the other. And they will feel that the other "owes" them. Neither will be able to live up to the very high expectations of being compensated for their sacrifice.

SB, your position is very cookie cutter. It is the RULE, not the exception. And I do agree that she has made up her mind... For TODAY. That will change because her decisions are made on her feelings du jour. Feelings change from day to day with an addict. What you have described here is a story we have heard a million times. And while there are no guarantees, we have seen much worse than this come back from the dead.

You are in a FANTASTIC position because there is no logic to her relationship. She won't be accepted in his family and he won't be accepted into her family. She can't bring him to her home. He is not the father of her child, you are. There are just way too many problems in the relationship for it to last. You have the distinct advantage on all fronts. All you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show! The affair will start to crumble and you can sit back and continue to present yourself as the best option.