Thank you for the advice on telling my daughter. I am going to consider it carefully, this is the one thing that I am hesitant to do, it's not that I don't appreciate the advice, but I just want to think about it a bit more.

My wife went to see OM last night (Sunday)- he drops his kids back to his BW at 4 o'clock and I have our daughter, so they spend time together then. Not sure if she spent the night with him in an hotel or whatever, she may have went home to her parents house.
I texted her last night to tell her that there had been a bad accident (3 fatalities) on her road to work and that the road would be closed this morning for her commute, and told her to take care. She replied at 11.30 pm saying "Thanks Sarma"
Small things I suppose, but it's a start. It's hard to be nice when she is not, but I will persevere.

The OM has stopped paying his mortgage with his BW and is pushing her to sell the house and get somewhere smaller so he can get his share of the equity. She is not budging, and will legally be able to keep the kids in their home til they are 18.

Also, 4 letters arrived for my wife to our house, they were pension related, it looks like they are trying to get their finances in order to get somewhere to live.
My wife is no longer paying our mortgage either.

This evening my FIL is meeting BW's father. BW's father is bringing some pictures of his daughter (BW) and her children so he can see the family my wife has wrecked.

My FIL would be the biggest influence on my wife and is really hurt by what she is doing, but so far she won't listen to him at all. It can't hurt for him to see the destruction she is causing to another family as well as ours.

I am hoping that someone can get through to her, but not counting on it either. She is very stubborn and may very well have to live with this guy for a few months to see that the grass is not greener. Her friends are going to meet her this week too.

You are doing a great job and only need to keep doing what you are doing. Her affair will end when it becomes more painful to stay in it than it does to leave it. All of the pressure that is being applied brings conflict into the affair.

As far as telling your child, be assured it is the right thing to do. Children can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Not telling her the truth behind your breakup teaches her that dishonesty is acceptable in certain situations. If you don't tell her the truth, I promise you that your wife will tell her lies that will only confuse her terribly. The breakup will be blamed on you and your wife will teach her that adultery is a lifestyle choice. Your wife is probably grooming the child now to accept a new daddy. If you say nothing, your child will assume you approve.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Your wife is willing to throw away your child's family for a big, fat nothing. Your daughter has a right to know this. As a child, my serial cheater father introduced me to his OW at a hotel. This did not seem right to me but since my instincts about right and wrong were not validated, I learned not to trust my instincts and grew up very morally confused. My father was free to teach me that wrong was right and blame everything on my mother. I grew up hating my mother as a result.

If you don't teach her right from wrong, your wife will teach her that wrong is right. She needs the truth along with your moral guidance as protection. Without that, she is vulnerable to any lies your wife chooses to tell her.

Ok,

My FIL & OM'S BW's father met this evening. I was there also. It was definitely good for them to meet each other. One thing I have established without question is that they both want the same outcome as me, to see my marriage restored. This is very gracious of the BW's father, especially after what my wife has done to his daughter's family. He also brought along some photos of BW'S children and BW herself, which was good for my FIL to see.

My FIL has said that he will never support anyone else living in my home but me & my wife & that I became his son when I married his daughter. His sympathies are firmly with me.

OM'S BW is going legal on his a$$ and he won't be getting any equity from their home. I doubt he will get another mortgage as his name is still on that one, same with my wife. So they would have to rent somewhere.

My FIL is going to work on his wife, my MIL, who as I said has been supporting my wife since day one. He thinks she could be key. I wouldn't hold my breath on her coming round as she is a crazy b**ch.

My FIL has been brilliant all through this and is an absolute gent. While I understand he has a certain duty to stand by his daughter to an extent, he couldn't be better to me. He did urge me to get back to work tomorrow - I am self employed and haven't worked in 7 weeks. He said if I fold, everything folds around me. That would just let POSOM win.

I don't hold much hope of anyone changing my wifes mind at the minute, she is her own woman, but the more voices of reason she hears, the better & hopefully things won't be so easy for them both together.

I will see my wife tomorrow evening when she collects our daughter.

You absolutely need to work sir.
your fil is right

Is it completely normal for a WW to refuse to engage with BH? I am being as friendly, open and caring as possible without being a doormat. No LB's etc. Just text my wife to discuss a couple of things about our daughter, I was cordial & friendly but I just get 1 or 2 word replies.
When she picks up our daughter I fully expect the same, even avoiding eye contact probably. Without smothering I will try anyway, but she seems determined not to let her walls down, I'd say she has been schooled by OM. It's very hard to meet EN's when she won't let me in. Maybe my efforts aren't going unnoticed but she won't show it.
Keep plugging away and expect zero in return??

Thanks

Yes, you won't get anything in return until the affair ends. That's just the way it is.

Seeing as she won't engage with me or speak about our relationship, would there be any benefit in writing her a hand written letter, asking her to stop the affair so we can rebuild our marriage?

I'm guessing not, she already knows how I feel and that I am willing to make whatever changes necessary to build a better marriage... anything else now will look desperate and probably push her further away. I am probably just frustrated, when what I need to be is patient.

It is technically very Plan A to ask her to end the affair and explain that the affair is very hurtful to you emotionally, probably the worst thing you've ever experienced. Nothing is wrong with that at all.

I would just not let that be the only thing you say to her. You need to be also trying to meet her needs and make lovebank deposits in whatever reasonable avenues you can. Don't be annoying or desperate, but do the things you can that you know she appreciates. It's tough to do when the WS is away from you and very withdrawn, but it has been done before here and many men in your position have recovered their marriages over time.

Don't expect reciprocation or try think too much about what your wife does or doesn't know/realize. She's temporarily insane and you have to keep plugging away until her affair dies and she regains her sanity.

It is great news that your FIL is a man of integrity and taking a stand for the right here. You seem to have done a very strong exposure and the people around both your wife and her AP are also people of integrity and are holding them accountable. That is very crucial and many betrayed spouses do not get that kind of tactical affair-killing support from their extended family.

I know it's a tough spot right now but you have much to be optimistic about. Keep your chin up and do whatever is required to stay upbeat and effective in executing your plan. Exercise, antidepressants and conferring/venting a bit with supportive friends and family can help a lot there.

Also reading materials here and listening to the radio show can be a great motivator. Part of Plan A (especially for men) is an opportunity for the BS to size up their lovebusting behaviors and begin to make positive changes. Coupling that with a good workout routine can reinforce a theme of growth and positive change in your mind. It will make you feel better and it will make you much more attractive to your wife.

Also I agree with the others that you need to expose to your kids ASAP. They need to be armed with the truth about what is happening.

Thank you for your advice axslinger. My wife just left. She came in and sat down while our daughter finished her dinner and didn't seem in such a rush as previous visits. I had the fire lit ( it's raining & miserable weather here this evening), and our home spotless and very homely. Our Golden retriever was lying at the fire too, really the only thing missing to make it perfect all the time is my wife

I think she noticed how homely it all is but didn't comment. Part of her has to be longing to be here- we built this home together, and everything in it we chose together.

Our conversation was fine if only about practical things. She is being very careful not to give me hope, but seemed a bit more open this evening. We are going to talk on Thursday evening about our daughter & sharing arrangements on Thursday as she starts school for real next week.

I was relaxed & well groomed when she was here, I didn't mention anything relationship related as our daughter was in our presence the whole time. It didn't feel right to anyway.

Any you shouldn't be the one to bring up Anything relationship related.

Let your Plan A opportunities do your speaking for you.

If SHE brings up relationship matters, you just listen intently and hear her out. Listen carefully too. She once in a while will reveal some key information instead of affair fog babble.

Those isolated prompts are a gifted road map to you. Use them.

If she wants to discuss divorce, tell her you will not be dealing with that, but rather will continue to improve your marriage for both of you.

LTL

You may try flirting with her, inside jokes or bringing up happy memories of time you and your wife spent with the daughter, trying to keep it light.

She will already be missing her old life here and there, even if she does not tell you and even if she is in the fog.

Well, it seems like my wife is fully entrenched in this affair and I will have to keep plan A'ing. Seems they spent the night together last night and are planning Sunday night together too. Living at home with her parents and having these flings in hotel rooms can only be appealing for so long, compared to our family life in our beautiful home.
They both have ditched all their family & financial responsibilities and are living the life of teenagers.

What I am worried about is people slowly coming round to her way of thinking, and I suppose it's inevitable that some people will do that, but surely even in this day and age, people have morals and ethics....what is wrong with the world that this is considered acceptable?

I know I can't 2nd guess what is going on in their meetings, maybe there is tension or argueing, who knows? I know there are a lot of people in both their families who are pressurising them- they have nowhere to live and are unlikely to get a mortgage.

My wife is coming over this evening to discuss our sharing arrangment with our child, we will see how that goes....any new advice welcome.

Thank you all..

Waiting for the A to die a natural death is a very painful process. You are doing all the right things within your control. You cannot force her to stop what she is doing.

You are doing great. You really are. Exposure and the steps you have taken should speed up the death of this A but there is no way to predict how this is going to go.

Keeping up the stellar Plan A and focusing on yourself is really all you can do at this point. Remember to avoid all LB's and try to make small LB deposits when you can.

I know how hard this is for you. Been there. Riding this out is extremely painful and taxing...The A has to die a natural death before there is any hope of R.

I tried to stay as busy as humanly possible and used mental distraction techniques to keep my mind off of things. It was a very difficult time for me.

Hotels are expensive and this can not last.
On the other hand, the fantasy lasts a bit longer as long as they are not bothered by everyday things as kids and dirty socks and the like.

You are on the inside track. This affair is extremely illogical and you will prevail and be the knight in shining armour that saves the princess from the ugly dragon POSOM.
She will be gratefull in the future, that you fought for your family.

Thank you 20 year. My wife is upstairs putting our daughter to bed at the minute. It's been very stressful. She went to leave and our daughter was crying, didn't want her to go etc. Horrible.
It's only because our daughter is tired and loves us both, my wife is going to use this as an excuse as to why she can't visit our home & that she needs more time with our daughter - she is really pushing to take her out of our home for an extra night at the minute.

We talked a lot, but she told me I need to understand that it's over, said she has never been happy in our 15 years and is happier now than she has ever been in her whole life.
I asked her about all the people who have been hurt by this, not least the children, but the extended families too, she said she has done nothing wrong and doesn't care what anyone thinks, for the first time in her life she is putting herself first.

I am heartbroken. She doesn't care. She can't see what she has done. Has no clue where she will live long term, no clue how it will work with our daughter when she moves, no answers for anything, only love for OM.

I heard through a source that there were women in her workplace crying reading my exposure letters, and that most people in the office are totally against them and what they are doing. OM put something up on Facebook & was called before CEO and told to take it down or he would be fired. HR depth told everyone in the building they couldn't reply from their work emails, only on their own time.

From the sounds of it, they are under pressure at work but they don't care.
I probaby broke a few rules this evening re LB'S etc, but it was emotional. My wife said she could see positive changes, but it's a pity it took this to make them, that it was too little, too late.

I have to get back to her about the extra night she wants our daughter to stay with her, she tried to bully me into an answer but I said I would think about it.

Any thoughts? She doesn't see this as an affair, it's a new chapter in her eyes. He is like some sort of saviour to her.

I spoke to 2 close friends who are going to meet her, they can't believe what she is doing and insist they won't be 'talked round'.
They are really going to tell her what they think of her actions. They described this as a house of cards relationship & they are convinced she will regret it- their only fear is that it will be too late as far as I am concerned.

My wife and I were talking about the past and she spoke about every little thing I had done wrong....I told her of little things she said over the past while that destroyed & demeaned me, but that I had held my hurt inside and not shown it. She seemed quiet & accepted what she had done & asked why I still wanted her, I said because I love you and always have.


They really seem to see themselves as a Bonny & Clyde scenario, us against the world, to hell with anyone who gets I our way . It is horrible.

Dont talk about the past.
Just tell her you are sorry for the mistakes you made in the past and you are willing to work with her to build a loving romantic marriage but she must first end her affair.

Stop listening to what your wife says.