Yeah, so on this point, I really think that POJA protects your new family from interference or negative interactions by the inlaws, yours or hers. I was referring more so to if there is ever a point where my wife's and my position is not united, in that case I do not expect the her parents to be any kind of impartial/rational help for anyone. Our relationship with my parents in law is actually more distant than I expected or wanted, but it is safest in this form.

The other thing is that the blended family (if that is what you end up with) is far more complex than an intact family. The drama between the parents in law and the brother/sister in law is such that we have to plan Holidays/kids birthdays around that drama. We end up having 2 or the kids have one with grandparents, then the "main" holiday that our whole family participates in. POJA is critical with this too. While we both aren't always enthusiastic, we will agree on the less bad option.

When I start dating again I'm pretty much going to consider kids a dealbreaker in potential partners. I don't have any of my own yet and it just seems like playing with fire from what I've seen around here...

Not sure that I would limit yourself too much. Of course the odds favor first marriage/childless couples. But a woman in her 30s who has never been married is going to have difficulty giving up her independence. We women live alone very successfully but it makes us very selfish.

I think the main thing, as others have said, to see how your dates manage with POJA. Start this the second or third time you meet up. Bring up simple things like what time to meet or what movie to see. Those who 'get' it right away are also going to be successful using it long term. No need to use MB terminology, just use the techniques. Watch out for the one who agrees with everything (giver is in control), just as bad as the one who does not know how to negotiate (taker is in control).

A lot of unmarried women in their 30s come from a relationship because their boyfriend of several years still didn't want to commit to starting a family. For well educated women in their 30s, it is difficult to find a man who wants to commit and not play around. The good ones are taken/married, too many single males in their 30s are freeloaders.

I see this with friends often. It would be a relief for many to meet a man not just playing around.

I think by the time you are thinking to remarry, you will have healed more and be less sensitive in addition to having a better plan for your next marriage.

I think that generalization is similarly unfair. Some men lose hope after their mid 20s, they're not just freeloaders.

I didn't mean to offend anyone by my posting.

Unfortunately, it is a fact that well educated women are more likely to be single than well educated men (more women get educated, educated men date and marry less educated women). Cold statistics. Bad news for me, good news for men like Ax.

So...a few hours ago I'm lifting weights at my gym and I bump into an old friend. This guy's wife was a good friend of my ex and we mostly knew each other through that relationship.

Didn't say anything to me on the gym floor but after I get back to the locker room he starts a conversation with me to "see how I'm holding up".

Now, this guy and his wife SHOULD have been exposure targets (a thought that's occurred to me before) but in the rush of things they had slipped my mind. So I had no idea what he even knew about the situation, and I responded "well, I never know what people do or don't know about that situation" and to my amazement he responded with a basic summary of what actually happened.

And I guess I just say that to say...if you're on the fence here about a broad exposure, don't be. Just do it. I did about as broad of an exposure as I could put together and to have someone random like this come up to you armed with the facts (and even sympathy) about your situation is just cool.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world if this guy (and his wife) had been gaslit about things, but it was relieving to know he knew the truth somehow. My experience with infidelity is that fighting against the wayward's false narrative is extremely frustrating. You don't want to be dealing with that a year past D-day. A GOOD exposure will prevent you from having to deal with that.

Do you know if they are still friends with your WXW?

No clue. This is the first time I'd seen or talked to this guy since everything has happened. I didn't think to ask him that.

He was very friendly and concerned about me, which surprised me to be honest. We double dated with this couple a few times and we all liked each other, but WXW and his wife were much closer than he and I were, so I figured they'd be in her corner.

If they are still on good terms it's hard to imagine them having much contact with her (WXW) since she is 2 states away now, but you never know.

Belated Happy Thanksgiving to all of the wonderful people in this community. Hope everyone's holiday was awesome.

Prayers and love to those of you struggling through betrayal, abandonment or abuse during the holidays. It is a terrible thing to have to deal with. Heed the advice given here and things will improve for you.

Much thanks to the awesome program here. I am struck by how much different this year's holiday was than last years (during Plan A). I was able to truly enjoy everything without thinking about my WXW, and that's a stark contrast to last year.

Glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving, ax. I enjoyed mine, too! My ex didn't come to mind once!

Awesome to hear, nmwb77. Is your family nearby where you were able to spend time with them? I am very blessed to have my entire immediate family within 3 hours where we can all get together and pow-wow. I'm pretty close to my siblings.

I actually had a dream about my ex a week or so ago but mostly I never think of her.

I am excited to start dating in 2016 and I've also got a computer programming project that I'm almost done with. I got some books and taught myself a new (to me) programming language (C++) over the summer and this is the first major C++ project I've developed.

The program assists with inventory control for my company (I do network/system administration for them), but I have an exclusive contract with my employer where I own the rights to any software I develop for them, so I can resell this to other companies with similar needs. We've been running a cruder version of it internally for the last 18 months, the version I'm working on now is just more presentable and consumer-friendly. We are a Fortune 5000 company so we have people from other companies come shadow us that aren't close enough to be competitors, and I've already got verbal commitments from some of these smaller companies to buy the software when it's done. Very pumped about that. Moving into doing exclusively software development is something that's been a goal of mine for 2 or 3 years and I feel like it's finally within reach!

Yes, my family's 2 and a half hours away. Actually, I spent Thanksgiving Day with my girlfriend's family and then we spent the weekend with my family. I updated Dr. Harley on my situation in August and when he heard it he said I should consider the marriage over. I had been feeling that way for a while, so I took it as a message from God, and something clicked inside. I started dating right away and the fourth "candidate" was a charm.

Wow, awesome man!

I had no idea you were already dating, very happy for you. How did that go? Was it different than you expected? Just curious since I'm about to jump into the market myself.

I've thought about emailing Dr. Harley, I just don't really feel like anything has happened and I consider my situation with my ex pretty much settled. I'd like to send him an update when I've remarried or when I have a question about dating I guess. I have learned so much here and in his writings that I'd like to share the positive results back to him. MB is awesome.

Can't imagine how I'd be coping with things without learning what I've learned here. I'm a procedure-oriented kind of guy and I wouldn't feel prepared to jump back into a marriage without MB.

One was an old friend from high school that I got reacquainted with at our high school reunion in August. Nothing serious. She's nice but not my type. Then I got into online dating. It was very weird and awkward at first. I had never dated anyone other than my ex wife. I was really nervous. The third woman from online dating was very easy to talk to, though, and we hit it off immediately.

I ended up waiting for my ex almost a year and a half.

I'll be at 15 months-ish at the end of the year.

Sometimes I'm frustrated with waiting so long before dating again but I'm more concerned with not making a mistake when I do start dating.

Of all the consequences of my ex's A, the time I lost investing in her is the only thing that really frustrates me anymore. The rest of it doesn't bother me.

And in a lot of ways I'm even OK with the lost time because I feel like I'll come out of the other side of this thing as a much better husband for someone. I really did not have a clue on a lot of things before this all happened and I came here.

You articulate things very well. I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel as though my ex stole 17 years of my life. Especially when I start to wonder if she always had same sex attraction and deceived me into marrying her. But like you, I do feel that I've become a better person through the experience and will make a better husband for someone.

Congrats, BTW. That's exciting and encouraging to me.

I keep myself busy enough that single life hasn't been too rough but I'm looking for forward to spending time with someone again.