Please do tell your daughter, i was dumbfounded whem my WW said she would lie to your kids and i should too becasuse thy dont need to know whats going on in our lives.
I am thinking to myself this is what you want to teach are kids lieing is ok. Then she wounders why our kids dont listen to her the way she would like and lie back.
Its just setting a bad precedence for them.

Sorry for lack of updates, nothing really to report.

OM is getting his own place somewhere today I've heard, it can't be up to much as he doesn't have much money. Not heard if my wife is moving in with him, I would guess not as she is pretty comfortable living in her parents house and is close to our daughter here. It will probably be their 'love nest' so they don't have to be in hotels all the time.

I was at my nephews birthday party on Sunday (my wifes sisters son, also my wifes godson)- my sister in law invited me and my daughter up, I went as I've no reason to be ashamed. It was nice of them to ask me. My wifes extended family and friends were all there. I could tell they were sorry for me and are for the most part absolutely disgusted with my wifes behaviour, not that that helps me.
Got a few nice messages that night, saying it was great to see me and my daughter there.

It was the sort of occasion that my wife loves, beautiful day, all her family gathered, bouncy castle for the kids etc.....but she was off with OM spending her day. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her at the minute.

I booked the Disney trip for myself & my daughter in Janurary last night. We are going with my brother, his wife & family. My daughter will love it. It would be lovely to have my wife along too, but she didn't acknowledge my invite, so i will leave it at that.

It would actually be a pain to have your wife on the trip.
She would be on the phone and texting OM the whole time.
A trip without her will be nice.
I remember when i was in Plan A my wife was texting OM when we went on a small vacation non stop! Its not enjoyable and outright annoying and insulting.

So plan on enjoying the trip without her.

Ok,

My wife is coming over to our home this evening to discuss our daughter's rota. It was this time last week when we tried to do this last and that didn't go so well & was very traumatic for us all. I am going to avoid all relationship talk as much as it is killing me that my WW continues her affair. I will try to remain calm and pragmatic.

My WW is still insisting on a straight 50/50 arrangement, with our daughter staying 4 nights alternate weeks with me and her (WW is still living at her parents house 500 yards away).
I am insisting, purely for my daughters stability and to protect her, that she continues to stay 4 nights in her home with me, it is her home after all, and purely from a practical viewpoint, I am there for the child in the mornings, wheras my wife wouldn't be and it would be my MIL getting our daughter ready for school. I will be sticking to my guns on that point which could be problematic. I have offered the compromise that my wife could feel free to come over anytime and see our daughter at home, or put her to bed at home on one of the nights where she doesn't have her.

Last night, when my WW tried to drop my daughter off outside, my daughter pulled her inside the house and coaxed her into sitting on the sofa to watch a little part of a movie with her. My WW sat one side of our daughter, holding her hand, I sat the other side, holding her other hand. Do you know what our daughter tried to do (she's 4!!)- she tried to bring my wife and I's hands together and make us hold hands! It would melt your heart. We connected a little bit and my wife stayed for 10 more minutes until my daughter was settled, then left.
Honestly, you would have thought I had schooled my daughter to do it!

My wife has her defenses/walls up- I feel that if she lets them down, she will crumble. Her sister has told me that she confided in her that she still loves me as well as OM- she certainly isn't showing it at the minute, but I am certain that there are conflicting emotions in there. There has to be.
She has to keep up the facade of being 'so happy', and 'certain of her decision', but she is not nearly as enthusiastic as she was in the early days.

Tips for tonight welcome, thank you.

It is challenging to maintain plan a during custody disputes, if not impossible.
You cause love bank withdrawals by arguing over the custody.

The compromise you offered is probably viewed by her as being controlling.

It is challenging, but not impossible.
You are doing a GREAT job of Plan A, sarma. Don't get discouraged over this. You can state what you're willing to do without arguing with her.

I have not witnessed that at all. Actually it is pretty easy if the BS just sends over a calendar and works it out. Usually the WS is so checked out with the affair that they easily agree to most offers.

This hits the nail on the headn

Pay attention. She currently wants her affair more than her Motherly duties.

LTL

Thank you all for the words of advice. Well, it went well, my wife stayed for 45 mins or so, we sat beside each other on the sofa, our daughter was in bed. Talked about the rota, we both compromised a little, end result is my daughter is staying at home with me 4 nights a week, my wife reluctantly agreed it was best.
We talked calmly & respectfully to each other and recognised that this is not perfect for either of us, neither of us would be 100% happy with it, but we both had to make the best of it.

My wife seemed tired and drawn & said it was a pity it had taken this for me to make changes in my life, to spend more time with my family, she was genuinely upset. We spoke for another while about our daughters school etc, when she left she said night night & was generally a lot more open & receptive tonight.

Positive night all round. I know there is doubt in my wifes mind about all of this.

You did great!!!

Nothing really to update, my wifes affair is still ongoing. She is refusing to see her friends who want to meet her to talk & has made her excuses that she wouldnt be able to see them for a while. She doesnt want to interact with anyone who doesn't agree with her chosen path. A mutual friend of ours who happens to be a psychologist and cbt specialist met with her on Saturday, he basically doorstepped her and gave her a hug and just listened to her.
She admitted that she is stubborn to the point she will keep doing something even if she knows its wrong. I knew that. He was really making headway with her but was interrupted when our daughter came down from bed. He had spoke to her for 2 hours, and she was opening up to him.
OM has somewhere to live now & I guess on the nights she is not in her parents with our daughter, she will probably stay with him. Its tough. Our daughter wont be with her in his company or house.

My wife is oblivious to the pain she has caused to so many people including her own family, she just doesn't care, said she is a good person & God wants her to be happy. She was here this evening & while I avoided LBs, I didnt have the energy to be nice to her. It was our daughter's first day at pre school today & most parents were there except my wife. I was alone.
I was angry with my wife for that, though i didnt show it. She paints herself as some sort of role mother but really doesn't put our daughter first.

I was thinking of ways to plan A, would a bouquet of flowers to her workplace be too strong? OM would be livid as he works with her & it would be embarrassing for both of them as most of the workplace are against them & their actions.
I will pick up the plan A by actions, not words.

On a positive note, my MIL came to see me last night. She has done a 180 after being convinced by my FIL that this guy is no good and bad news for their daughter. I am wary of her & dont fully trust her after some of the things she has said about me, but I do appreciate the gesture. She could yet be an unlikely ally & said she is gonna try to talk to my wife.

I am going to keep praying & speak to a priest tomorrow.

The logistics and everything else of this affair make zero sense. My wife will have to live with her parents for the next 7 years to maintain the time she has with our daughter as we have decided she will be going to our local primary school.

I wish I could do more to bust this affair up, feel helpless.

Does she like flowers? If yes, then sending her flowers at work is a great addition to Plan A.

Do the things you know she'll like (or that she used to like). She may respond in annoyance and anger right now, but that's normal and just the fog. The point is that you've made a lovebank deposit (even if it doesn't show yet). Don't focus on her reaction.

Another positive is that my wifes ENTIRE family are behind me and disagree with what she is doing. Her father has told me that OM will never be welcome & told me to not leave our family home.
I know that this sounds like a small thing, but my wife has a real emotional attachment to our home and where it is- on her family farm where she grew up. She loves everything about the area and it will kill her to cast it aside.

If I had left our home as she tried to get me to do when I was at my lowest ebb, it would be game over. POSOM would have walked in & taken my life, all so easily. If nobody takes anything else from this thread, please, BH's, do not leave your home- you have done nothing wrong. I can understand why some BH's do step aside because of their emotional state, but its madness to do so.

If things dont work out for my wife & I (I still think they will though), I will bring up my daughter here to the best of my ability with the support of my in laws.

All you need to do is sit back and wait while the affair crumbles. The longer this goes on, the more the fantasy will crumble. The ONLY thing propping up this affair is fantasy. Fantasies never last. Just be sure that you always look more attractive than the OM. He doesn't have the benefit of this program and is a selfish piece of crap. That will come out soon enough. Just be patient.

Sarma,
Affair fantasies are powerful and it can take some time for the fantasy to weaken, but rest assured you are taking the right steps, even if it taking an emotional toll on you.

Stay the course with Plan A. Flowers are not a bad idea. When I was in Plan A I drafted occasional letters and made small gestures when the opportunities arose. One time, I texted her a link to the song "I won't give up on us" by Jason Mraz when it came out. I remember buying her soup and dropping it off at her house when she was sick. I never got a reply for any of this, so I wasn't sure if they made any impact at the time. But after the fog lifted I learned that they did.

If you keep showing her affection (without smothering her or talking relationship) when her affair hits the skids she may start to miss the things she loved about her life with you. But it's a process and it takes time.

There are no guarantees, but by fighting the fight, standing up for your marriage, and learning to be a better husband, you win no matter what.

I think sending her flowers to her folks house where she is often staying is even better.
She will get them and have pause to think without feeling that you are working the cowork angle.

I think this is true Plan A.

OM won't know you sent them which is actually more intimate........lol

Thank you Prisca, Melody, JT3OU, and Reading, some great advice there. I will take it all on board. Just spoke to one of my in laws for some insight. The bad feeling towards my wife from her family is growing- they are frustrated and impatient with her selfishness. She seems content to live up in their house freeloading while she spends time with our daughter, then spend the rest of her time with POSOM.
While she lives at home, she is having her washing etc done by her father, who commented the other day that I 'may have had a lucky escape'.

If she is to maintain the same level of contact with our daughter (who she does love), she will have to keep this bullsh1t lifestyle up for the next 7 or 8 years while our daughter goes to primary school. This would mean she would still be living at home with her parents when she is 40!!
It is all crazy beyond words and the most selfish stupid act ever.

Well its unfortunate her parents encourage and support her behavior and then bad mouth her when she isn't around.

How are things going, Sarma? Any changes?