Hi Didntquit,

Unfortunately no changes to report. I am still trying to plan A as best I can and keep positive as much as I can. It's tough some days. My wife is still staying at her parents house (very close to our home) on the nights where she has our daughter, but is staying with OM 3 nights a week in a house he has rented. The house is a sh1thole compared to the homes both of them were accustomed to. It is also in a large town which would not suit my wife, she always was a country girl & loved our home, the fresh air and where it is.

Thankfully, I still have the full support of her family- her sisters are pretty p1ssed at her freeloading at home and her continuing selfish actions. She is shunning all family occasions- birthdays, masses etc, she can't stand to face people from her own family or locality. The 'us against the world' mentality seems to be going strong. OM only sees his children 6 nights a month.

I don't know what else to do, she is truely like a different person at the minute, my grandmother died last weekend and I asked my wife to look after our daughter in our home for one night so that I could sit up at the wake the night before the funeral- she refused, saying that it would upset our daughters routine. Instead, she went to stay with OM. That was cold and hurt me a lot.

As I said earlier in this thread, she doesn't see this as an affair, she sees it as a 'new relationship', and doesn't see herself as having done anything wrong because she 'broke up' with me before they did anything physical.

None of it is logical and makes no sense- this guy is a creep who preyed on her when she was vulnerable coming off the anti depressants in February and slowly built up trust with her until he finally wore her down. I am not in any way absolving her of blame, but that is the way it happened. Everyone can see that but her, she won't listen to ANYONE, close friends and family have all tried in vain. It's her mistake to make, so I suppose she will have to see that for herself.

I do know all is not as rosey as it once was, I have heard that my wife has a lot of 'low' moments & I walked in on her crying at the kitchen table last week. She misses our daughter terribly, but sadly that is one of the consequences of her decision- she is giving up so much of our beautiful daughters life for this POSOM. I miss our daughter so much when she is away from our home too, but it's not because of any decision I have made- I feel like I am being punished for my wife's life choice.

I really wish she would come home so we could rebuild our family- I love her so much and we honestly were happy until this POSOM came along, she can't see that now though. We both can spend all the time we want with our daughter at home and build many more happy memories together.

In the meantime, I am getting on with my life as best i can and working on keeping some form of stability in our daughters life. I will keep plan A'ing where possible, but I am avoiding all relationship talk. She knows where I stand on that anyway.

Please God, she will see the error of her ways at some point- I will keep praying that she will.

For some of you who have recovered marriages, how long was your fight? It's been 3 months now for me, but seems much longer. I do realise that this A is pretty entrenched, but I have a feeling in my gut that there is a lot of hope. Any thoughts or suggestions welcome.

On another note, somebody said to me earlier in this thread that my wifes feelings and determination will change from day to day.(Think it was Melodylane who said that?)

I have very much found this to be the case- some days she seems alright, but there are a lot of times where she seems sad and down, some days she ignores me, other days she is cordial and pleasant. It's like she is emotionally all over the place.

Dr H says that most affairs end after 2 years. That men should to plan A for 6 months. And if able to man up they should plan A for the 2 years.

You are not fighting a battle you are fighting a war. A series of time consuming battles.

Her affair is not built to last. So if you continue in Plan A, you will be a safe landing for her. Be strong, be resolute, and do things to keep your sanity such as exercise and quality time with our children, family, and friends.

Sarma, check out Billman's thread for how this is likely to play out:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2827430#Post2827430

Check out Justthe3ofus' thread, too.

Thank you all for your replies. Could you point me in the direction of Justthe3ofus's thread please? Thank you.
It's good to read others have went through similar and have got or are getting posotive outcomes.

Here's Justthe3ofus' thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165580&Number=2585737#Post2585737

You can find people's posts by clicking on their username and then selecting "View Posts." Prepare a tissue for when you get to page 10.

Hi,

Just thought I would check in. Things pretty much as they were, my wife is continuing her affair with OM & they still work together. I am looking after our daughter most of the time & doing all the mundane stuff while my wife enjoys meals out etc with OM.
I am plan A'ing where I can, avoiding LB's, & making L bank deposits where possible. My wife had an important exam this morning & my daughter & I made her a good luck card on Monday- I also sent her a good luck text this morning & said a prayer for her. Those are just small examples of the kinda gestures I have been making - not smothering or too full on.

Relations with my wife have generally been better- no arguments etc, she only comes into our home to pick up or drop off our daughter. The one argument we did have was last week when she was angry at me for telling our daughter the truth about why mammy wasnt at home anymore, she told me I was confusing the child and scaring her- our daughter is 4 & when I told her that her mother was kissing another man who she shouldn't be, she came to the conclusion that he is a 'bad, evil man'. She came up with that herself & I didn't correct her as I feel she is 100% right.

Anyway, I told my wife that our daughter was to be nowhere near OM or there would be consequences for him. She didnt take that well but it hasn't been mentioned since.

I feel I am doing a great plan A otherwise, but sometimes I feel like a doormat or an enabler. At what point is that line crossed? I am being kind to her & giving her no reason to hate me or justify her actions, but it sometimes feels like I am too soft.
I realise an excellent plan A is vital, but do I need to have boundaries? I've told her I wont stand for our daughter being exposed to this 'relationship ' & I mean that.

Suggestions welcome, I know its a slow process & I need to be patient. There are doubts in my wifes mind, Im sure of it, but she won't show them obviously.
On a superficial level she is probably happy at the minute, but long term will that outweigh what she has given up- her home, her family, 1/2 of her time with her daughter? I don't think it will.
It's so unrealistic & a complete fantasy- they have both shunned all of their responsibilities in life.

Am I doing the right things? I'm aware that my wife will see no hope while the affair is ongoing, but just wanted to check on boundaries I should set while plan A'ing, also that I am not being a doormat or enabler. Is it a case of being as calm & nice as possible, while improving myself? I have read up on plan A, I just want reassurance I suppose- it's a lonely road.

Also, anyone know if I can legally keep our daughter away from POSOM? It would be UK law, so probably different from the US. Our daughter is 4 years old.

FYI - my wifes EA has been going on for probably 8 months, D day, separation & PA has been ongoing 4 months.

Thank you.

How is your health holding out?

Ach it's fine. I'm ok physically, just heartbroken. Our daughter is so much happier at home with me in our house, she loves it.
I have to stay strong for her. I am prepared for the long haul, I have patience, just wanted to see if I was doing it right.

Do you have a lawyer? Can you ask your lawyer about keeping your DD4 away from OM?

And you do understand that Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life, right? At some point you will wnat to consider going into Plan B if she won't end her affair.

REfresh my memory, did oyu expose at the workplace and to the OM's family?

Yep, did all the exposures to the book- caused a lot of upset and a dose of reality, but the affair is ongoing. It is by no means to my wifes plans, she expected me to move out and OM to move in in my place, but I have stayed in our home with our DD4 with the full support of her family.
There are a lot of signs of frustration from my wife that I have stood my ground and she hasn't got her way.
I haven't given her any reason to blame me or point the finger at me in any way.

Plan A can last up to 2 years, yes?

ok, thanks! Now I remember your story. Plan A is supposed to last around 6 months, or until you start suffering mental or physical damage. If the affair has not ended in 2 years, you should give up and move on.

Sarma,

Plan A does not mean enabling. You can show you care without pretending like she's not having an affair. Can you be more specific and share what you have done that might be considered "enabling?"

I'm not sure about enabling, but it is hard to be pleasant while she is doing what she is doing. She is remorseless & cold at the minute, truely like the alien I have seen described.
Everyone can see how she has been 'played' by this POSOM but her- its crazy- she is normally an intelligent lady.
I look after our DD all week, doing the normal everyday things, she takes her on a Friday & Saturday night & spoils her by buying toys etc, I suppose it's guilt or over compensating.

At the minute she is dangerous also. The POSOM is spinning that he was emotionally abused in his marriage & is so relieved to be free from it. Bullsh1t, but she has bought it & is trying to project that as an excuse for her too- she is trying to portray me as this 'angry unreasonable man' who was impossible to live with. I promise it couldn't be further from the truth & anyone who knows us knows it is just another justification for her behaviour.

I have never raised my voice or said one angry thing to her since she broke all this to me in July, however I sent her an angry text last week in frustration after she goaded me about introducing our DD4 to OM. Now she is showing that one message to people citing it as typical behaviour from me, ignoring the hundreds of supportive messages I have sent her & how understanding I have been with her.
She is looking for any excuse to hold me up as a bad person & apart from one text I have never slipped up or got drawn down to her level. That's why she is dangerous & I think I may start to record our conversations.

She is convinced she didn't or isn't having an affair, that this is a new relationship & is forever. She doesn't know so much about OM, he is a deceitful lying POS, hopefully that will come out sooner rather than later.
A lot of her anger is from guilt & frustration that this all hasn't panned out as they had planned- I am still living at home with our daughter, whereas I was supposed to have stepped aside for OM. She is living at her parents 3 nights a week & 4 nights with him.

I have done a really good plan A I think, taking any opportunity to do small acts of kindness, avoiding LB'S, whilst avoiding relationship talk- it just leads to.conflict. I have put my feelings down on paper a few times so she knows what I want; ie to recover & rebuild our family & marriage.
I just pray that at some point she will come out of this selfish act she is doing- I see glimpses of the girl I knew in there occasionally so she hasn't gone completely.

As it is,when WW collects our daughter, she comes to our home & whilst she doesn't usually hang around, she comes in & sits on the sofa etc. Our poor daughter is always trying to get her to stay a little longer. However, sometimes DD4 doesn't want to leave the home to go with her & it is very traumatic for her.
It has to hurt my wife when DD won't acknowledge her or doesn't want to be with her. Obviously I don't try to influence the child in any way, but I have told her why mammy is not at home any more.


I know this can't go on indefinitely & at some point I will be cutting all contact with WW. My only fear then is that I won't have any influence over DD4 being exposed to POSOM and his children. I have been told if I have genuine fears that it is detrimental to DDs welfare I can apply to court for an injunction.

Any thoughts on any of this & is recovery even possible?

sarma, I think you have a good chance at saving your marriage. No guarantees but there is hope. You should plan on cutting her off if you start getting sick, or start losing weight because this can ruin your health. So just be careful.

I would try to get an injunction against the OM right now if you can. Can you?

Ok, Understood. Thank you for your reply Melody. I still believe I can save this marriage too, just wanted to hear some of your opinions for reassurance I suppose.
I will see what I can do on the injunction.