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So do you still believe that the OM and WW did not have sex?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I now have some questions regarding the current stage in our R, should I post in this thread or start a new thread in the "in recovery" section of the forums? You can post here on this thread.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2015
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OP
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So do you still believe that the OM and WW did not have sex? As far as I know. My wife still denies it even though when we started working on recovery I told her she could tell me if she had and it wouldn't change my wish to go ahead it with but I needed to know the truth. Also when OM told a (no longer) friend of his (and mine) about the affair he stated that they had "only" kissed. To be honest it's the "emotional" aspect of the affair that is the most hurtful part. I have no doubt that if I hadn't caught them so early it would have happened eventually though.
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Joined: Aug 2015
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I now have some questions regarding the current stage in our R, should I post in this thread or start a new thread in the "in recovery" section of the forums? You can post here on this thread. OK, thanks ML. We have been working on R for the last two months and things have been going reasonably smoothly, we were working through SAA together (I know we should probably have finished it by now but things have been going well so we were kind of just enjoying our UA time, we are going to finish it this week though). For the last two weeks though I was feeling pretty depressed though, and after experiencing a bit of a trigger last week I started feeling worse. My wife had wanted us to go and do something I kinda knew would be a trigger, but rather than tell her how I felt I just went along with it. The next day when she wanted to do something that I didn't I just responded with a blunt "whatever". To her credit, my wife didn't get angry and just asked if I wanted to talk about it because I was obviously upset, but at that moment I wasn't in a good mindset to discuss it without getting emotional so I declined. I feel I have been in a "plan A" mentality since we started reconciliation and have been going along with some things I'd prefer not to in order to avoid upsetting her. I realise now that not only was the way I spoke to my wife disrespectful, but by not telling her about things that bother me I have been dishonest to her as well (and certainly I was not following the POJA). So with that said I plan to talk to my wife about putting the POJA into practice, and have a good idea of a few items I wish to discuss, including avoiding triggers. My current question is how should I react in the future if I feel too angry or upset to discuss something in a safe and pleasant manner, but it's a decision that can't wait until later?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I now have some questions regarding the current stage in our R, should I post in this thread or start a new thread in the "in recovery" section of the forums? You can post here on this thread. OK, thanks ML. We have been working on R for the last two months and things have been going reasonably smoothly, we were working through SAA together (I know we should probably have finished it by now but things have been going well so we were kind of just enjoying our UA time, we are going to finish it this week though). nono, you are doing exactly the right thing! The emphasis should be on a) affair proofing your marriage and b) creating a romantic marriage. So I want to applaud you here. For the last two weeks though I was feeling pretty depressed though, and after experiencing a bit of a trigger last week I started feeling worse. My wife had wanted us to go and do something I kinda knew would be a trigger, but rather than tell her how I felt I just went along with it. The next day when she wanted to do something that I didn't I just responded with a blunt "whatever". To her credit, my wife didn't get angry and just asked if I wanted to talk about it because I was obviously upset, but at that moment I wasn't in a good mindset to discuss it without getting emotional so I declined. You are going to have to learn to respectfully decline anything that makes you uneasy and learn the skill of negotiation. Sacrifice is a disaster for marriage so you MUST get out of that bad habit. It will hurt your marriage in every way. So take sacrifice and capitulation off the table. Read this: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2635865#Post2635865I feel I have been in a "plan A" mentality since we started reconciliation and have been going along with some things I'd prefer not to in order to avoid upsetting her. I realise now that not only was the way I spoke to my wife disrespectful, but by not telling her about things that bother me I have been dishonest to her as well (and certainly I was not following the POJA). Exactamundo! So with that said I plan to talk to my wife about putting the POJA into practice, and have a good idea of a few items I wish to discuss, including avoiding triggers. My current question is how should I react in the future if I feel too angry or upset to discuss something in a safe and pleasant manner, but it's a decision that can't wait until later? Calm yourself down and then discuss it. However, you and your wife should really focus on what upsets the other and eliminate those things. Do you understand? After awhile, you will pretty much know what upsets the other and not do it again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2015
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Thanks for your reply ML. This is definitely a lesson we both need to learn as we are conflict avoiders. I will read through the links you posted, should I encourage my wife to do the same? Calm yourself down and then discuss it. However, you and your wife should really focus on what upsets the other and eliminate those things. Do you understand? After awhile, you will pretty much know what upsets the other and not do it again. I suppose there will be some trial and error but I think we should manage to do this. I wasn't really an emotional person before but that has changed since Dday. In some ways it's nice to feel passionate about something, but I also experience anxiety sometimes and I really dislike who I am when I feel that way.
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