Married almost 8 years. WW finally admitted to affair of 1 month. She said she went looking for a guy online for a hookup and now she is in love with him. I have exposed to her family and friends, but she has no desire to stop seeing him and feels we are done anyway. She admitted to an emotional relationship with him last week and said she was trying to decide what to do. Plan A is underway as I was able to get her to fill out an ENQ.
Back Story: I have a son from a previous marriage and she has a daughter from previous relationship and we have a daughter together. Kids are the love of my life and are clueless (other than the fact that mom sleeps in another room). However, her work has her up late at night on the computer and working crazy hours by herself. So her being by herself or not coming to bed isn't out of the norm really. The short version is that the crazy work hours has caused a gap for about a year and I brought it up but she was unwilling to address it. That hurt me and I began to restate the point (with sarcasm). Bad idea I know, but here we are. My sarcasm lead to her hurting me, me losing respect for her, etc. Now she thinks we are just two different people and one person has to give up who they are to make the other one happy. I am looking for compromise from her and trying to work through our differences. We were happy before, but she says that was her pretending to be someone she is not (real or rewriting history?). Either way she believes it. We have some major differences but have always made it work. She is staying most nights at home but at a distance. She said she's not sure if he can feel the same way about me again, or if she wants to. I feel it's just the fog right now, but not sure.
So I'm looking for anyone who can give me some insight. Chance of fixing this? Do I just need to let things set for a while and work plan A? I told her I'm not leaving until she sets the kids down and tell them what's going on and she leaves first. My kids adore me and it would tear them up. Once she's gone for a few days I'll make a plan and find a place. She's made no plans to do that yet. Good idea or not?

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

Is this the only affair she's had?

I would go listen to Dr Harley's radio shows from last Monday and Tuesday. He addresses the difference between a wayward spouse who "falls into" an affair because of poor boundaries and one who has affairs because she/he is purposely out trolling for action. Your situation would fall into the latter category.

There isn't much you can do with a spouse who is out actively looking to hook up. You could meet all the needs in the world and it would NEVER compensate for a spouse who was on the hunt for action. In other words, your spouse did not have an affair because of unmet needs, but because she is looking to hook up.

Are you actually married to her?

We have been married for almost 8 years. Oddly enough, just about how long my first marriage lasted. I don't know anything about OM. She has given me very little and she keeps her phone in hand with a password 24/7. She even switched cell phone companies. As far as I know this is the only affair. She says she went looking for him on an online "Friend Finder" website. I have created a fake account on several of these and went looking for her. I've found nothing. She has always been on the wild side but calmed down after marriage. We started attending a church (that she picked) and now she says it was all fake, that she wasn't happy. That she changed who she was in order to please me.

What are the dates on the radio show? Do you know what segment that info is in? Thanks for your time.

Im sorry you are back in this place because of a cheating wife.

Her spending all that time at night alone on the PC points to her affair going on for a long time. Much longer then a month.

I understand that I have a part to play in this too. When I saw behaviors from her that I felt were not in line with our belief system I would call her out on them. Gentle at first, but then later with sarcasm. I know that was wrong, but many of these things were issues that she previously indicated that she believed in too. We have been on a religious path for several years, but somewhere along the line she jumped off and didn't tell me. Is this destined to fail because of different value systems? I tend to like bad girls, maybe that just comes with the territory.

Its not destined to fail. But if she refuses to end her affair and agree to extraordinary precautions you'll deal with continued affairs.

Do you have children with her?

I don't how you played a part in this at all. Your wife did not "fall into" an affair. She was actively trolling for an affair. That is not caused by unmet needs, etc. Your wife is trolling for action.

Sir, I don't know how to explain this any better: she is having affairs because she is out looking for them. It wouldn't matter how wonderful your marriage was, she would always have affairs if she is on the hunt.

The dates for last Monday and Tuesday were August 31st and September 1st but I don't think those shows are posted yet.

BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!! I spend the morning exposing and her phone has been ringing off the hook with people who want to have coffee with her and talk about things. Man is she mad! I must have struck a nerve somewhere. She knows of all the people I exposed to, and said she is embarrassed. I explained that my intention was not to embarrass her but to end the affair and her be surrounded by people who love her. I told her I wanted to fix this and I told each one of them that I let her down as well, and I still wanted to fix this. Her family are in another country and they have been calling and texting as well. I have to say I feel pretty good about it. I feel like I'm not alone in this fight for the first time.
I didn't expose like this when my first wife had an affair, and it ended in divorce. Maybe that gave me the motivation to expose this time.
She usually runs off to see OM during the week but if she does that this week it's not out of boredom.
I really hope this helps!

Good job.
Now you need to expose to OM family and friends.

As far as know this is her first affair. She has changed so much in the last month. So do you think there is hope for this or am I just spinning my wheels? I really think she had the affair out of hurt and anger. She began it right after we had a good sized blowup. She cheated on her second husband right after an argument too. That's why I was so worried about exposure. However, it's too late for that.

I don't know anything about OM. I don't even have a name or place where he lives. She won't tell me. Her phone is password protected and by her side 24/7. Her only computer is from work and it super password protected. I may be able to use a GPS device on her car but not sure what kind to get. They seem pricey.

The issue is that the typical affair is one that begins unintentionally, usually due to poor boundaries.
The problem you face is that she apparently has an affair because she is mad at you?
And she did this with her ex husband?
Was she divorced when you met her?
Do you have any kids with her?

You must have some information about OM otherwise how do you know she is having an affair?

Things that worry me:

1. You married someone that cheated on her first husband. What possessed you to do such a thing? Did she cheat on him with you? Was she married when you met her?

2. You married her in 2008, and by 2010 you were already seeing a marriage counsellor. Your marriage got off to a bad start quite early on. What were the problems that drove you to seek counselling?

3. This counsellor told you to stop fretting about her going out with her girlfriends, in circumstances that made you feel uncomfortable. I take it you listened to this advice, rather than Dr Harley's advice about living integrate lives, and not doing things that put the marriage at risk.

4. You had a "good sized blowup". "Blowups" are bad for marriages. You need to make complaints and look for solutions respectfully, in an atmosphere that is safe for both of you. I'm surprised that someone who began posting here in 2006 does not know this. Clearly you were not practicing MB in your marriage. What was the blowup about?

5. Women don't go online trolling for sex with a stranger because they had a row with their husband. This, combined with her love of going out without you, suggests that there is a lot more to her infidelity than you know about.