I know it is not smart, but I use the same generic password for all my accounts. She uses my iPad at work so she can see all my texts and emails. She has my 4 digit access code to my work phone so she can look at it anytime she wants. I leave it on the counter when I get home each day. I have nothing to hide.

It is the same password for my work computer as well.

That is good. Have you ever shamed her for looking?

No. I did get upset with her one time when she checked my credit card and saw where I made a purchase for our anniversary. She did that on purpose though.

I would tell her that it is real important to you that you make her feel safe in view of the mistakes you have made. You have said some things that lead me to believe you have shamed her in the past for being suspicious. Just so you know, being defensive is a huge red flag. But you can change that, by assuring her that you will do what it takes to make her feel safe.

And I would certainly volunteer to take a polygraph. Don't present it like you will do it IF it makes her feel safer, tell her that it is so important that she feel safe, that you WANT to take it to make her feel better. ASK HER for the opportunity to clear your name and put an answer to her suspicions. If you make it sound like you are offering because she is a jealous lunatic, it will cause more damage.

ALSO, I really think you should do some QUIET sleuthing to rule out an affair. She has had an affair before and can easily hide one. I would look around for a secret cell phone and perhaps slip a VAR in her car to see if you hear anything. If there is an affair going on, then nothing we tell you to do will be of effect. So you need to quietly rule it out. [don't ask her!!]

Well my wife is home and I tried to help her change the sheets on the bed. I asked her if I could tell her something and she asked when the last time she cared to talk to me. I told her I was sorry and that it was completely inappropriate for me to go by the hospital. I told her that I know that is how affairs get started and I would not put our marriage in jeopardy again. She just laid her hair down on the bed and said she did not want to talk about it. She had no emotion in her voice or look.

That is a great first step!! Just keep being kind, polite and caring to her. Give her time to unthaw. You can expect her to next to go into the conflict phase as she leaves withdrawal so don't get alarmed if she becomes combative. That will be a good sign. Just don't fight with her!!

What do I do about her looking for lawyers. What do I do about the friend that seems to be encouraging her to leave. My wife is at least looking at me. The other day she would not make eye contact. She would not let me help with the bed. She was pretty insistent.

I don't think you are giving us an accurate, complete description of this altercation. Was this a fight? Can you write this out so we have a full understanding? There are huge pieces of the puzzle that are missing.

This woman has been a problem before butt you ignored your wife and trampled her feelings in favor of your relationship with this woman. Of course, your wife thinks there is an affair. You placed that friendship above your marriage.

This is the best I can remember.

We were sitting on the couch watching Netflix. I told my wife that I went and saw her. My wife said that was strange and out of my character. She asked me why I did not take when she got off work instead. I said because I was waiting on delivery and I didn't know what time it would be here so I didn't plan on going anywhere that evening.

That was the end of the conversation and we continued on with our evening as if nothing was going on. Very plesant. I left to go get our daughter from dance practice and she texted me to pick up some drinks and a rx for her at cvs. I did. When I got home, she told the kids the story. My daughter said it was not like me, my son said that she was being rediculous. Evening continued on pleasantly.

When we went to bed she asked why I did not like her. I told her I loved her and tried to prove that daily. I also said that I wish that she would do more things to make me feel special though. She said she would if she cared about me. That our marriage was worse than it has ever been. That she didn't care if I had an affair. I asked her to please work on it with me. Let's be good to each other I said.

I rolled over to hug her like I do every night before I go to sleep and she did not reciprocate. The next morning she had stopped talking to me. She did mention she believed that I talk to this woman on a regular basis on which I replied that she has all my passwords and can easily see that I do not.

So when did she tell you she believes you are having an emotional affair with the woman? What was your response? And why did your wife and daughter say this was "out of character" for you?

She told me that a few days later when I asked her to talk to me.

They said it was out of my character because I am not a people person. I usually stick very close to me wife when we are at gatherings because I let her talk for me. I also don't like going anywhere alone without my wife.

I told her I was not having an emotional affair and that she was more than welcome to review all my devices to see there was no contact. She said she believed I took the girl for lunch but I said I had two receipts to prove that I did not. One for the lunch I ate and one for the lunch I took to her. I offered to show her the credit card online report to see that I did not go anywhere else. She asked if the ladies marriage wa on the rocks on which I replied I have no idea because we did not discuss their marriage. I just asked how he was doing because I had worked with him too.

Just an update on what has happened since my last post.

I noticed my wife had rented a movie and she was putting it in the player in the bedroom. I asked if I could watch it with her on which she replied she did not care what I did. I laid down beside her and watched it with her. She only spoke to me to rewind a section because she did not hear it and she could not get the controller to function.

After watching the movie i got up and took a shower. When I got out, she was working on some pictures of our kids on her laptop in the bed. After a few minutes, when I was walking through, she asked me to put the memory card back in her camera.

It was late at this point. I asked her if I could sleep with her in the bed. She did not answer. I told her that i would continue to sleep on the couch if she wanted me to, but i would rather be in the bed with her. She replied by saying that she would not answer the question, so i decided to sleep in the bed.

This morning I got up to get the kids up and ready for school. My kids eat breakfast on the way to school, so I began to prepare breakfast for my wife (I do this every morning on days she works, I let her sleep in on days she is off). Bacon and eggs. When she saw me starting to get things ready she calmly stated she did not want it. Bacon, eggs, toast. I said that she needed something because she usually does not eat lunch when she is at work. She fixed herself some instant grits instead.

I long for my wife so much. I long for her constantly even when we are in a good place. I am very tenderhearted when it comes to my wife. It is everything I can do not to shed tears in front of her.

Have you attempted to apologise in the way we discussed yesterday, since we discussed it? What was her response?

I posted earlier that I did go and apologize like it was discussed. I told her i should not have went by. That it was completely inappropriate, that i understand that is how affairs get started, and that i would not do something so disrespectful to our marriage again. She responded by laying her head down on the bed and stating she did not want to talk about it. (I was trying to help her change the sheets on the bed.)

I read through your thread and other than the (very serious) complaint about not feeling safe in your marriage, what are your wife's other complaints about you?

If she is in withdrawal and is looking up divorce attorneys, clearly she is very unhappy. What has she claimed causes her unhappiness, prior to this recent incident?

What is the history of you and this coworker? I know you have claimed to be 'just friends' and have been educated on how friendships with the OS are very dangerous to your marriage. I am more interested on how this 9 year 'friendship' has impacted your marriage? Has your wife had concerns about this coworker in the past, etc.

Have you read about love busters? You should do that, and avoid them at all cost. Do your best to meet your wife's needs, while avoiding LB's at all cost. If you are confused about how a situation played out, post an *honest* version of it here and the board can help you identify your LB's and see it from your wife's perspective. It is very difficult to see your own LB's at first, it can help to have a third party help with that.

Meanwhile I would definitely keep snooping, just to rule out an affair.

My wife does not like the fact that i keep track of her and that i snoop. She has always hated that even before she had an affair. I know this is a redflag. That is why i continue to snoop. She feels that i don't care about the kids as much as she does. I have told her that i do, i just do, i just care differently and that she is my main priority.

My history with the coworker is that I worked with her for 9 years. I am responsible for a specific customer. When i needed specific actions carried out for a customer complaint, she was my contact to get them done. What started her suspicion is after working there a few months, the lady called me while I was on my way to the movies with my family. The call was business related. I am required to have my phone on 24/7 for customer issues. After I had given instruction/clarity for something that needed to be done, the lady asked me what I was doing, on which i replied that I was going to the movies with my family. She asked me what movie, and I answered. She said have a good time with your family and then i ended the call. My wife did not like these personal questions and I told her she was just nosy. (which was true.)

The lady got promoted several years later and still worked in the same department as me, but we did not have any direct contact concerning my customer. We worked in an open office, so everybody talks to everybody (25+ people.)

Over the next few years, my wife would come and eat lunch with me at work. She met this lady several times and after meeting her, she said she did not feel threatened by her. After the lady got engaged (about year 7) my wife was eating lunch with me and the gushed over the ring and my wife congratulated her.

At around year 9, the lady and her now husband left the company i work for and moved to south carolina for another job. I live in alabama. I have had no contact with her since she left.

I have read love busters.

No, you should stop spending time with other women!!!!!