Is he still in touch with this woman?

Well, it doesn't take long at all to uncover an affair. Can you take the phone, go through it and install spyware? What about placing a voice activated recorder and a GPS in his car?

When he went "hiking" in the mountains until the middle of the night, did he take his car?

Melody is right. Are you afraid of what you might find out? It's better to know the truth about his secret second life.

Have you ever thought of just grabbing his phone and going to the mountains for a hike? He shouldn't mind. .
Just tell him that you needed it for safety because misplaced yours. You will learn a lot from his reaction.

While away, install spyware and search through the phone. You NEED to know what he is hiding. He definitely is hiding something.

Even if he would have taken the job against your wishes, it is a mistake to give your agreement. You need to be clear when you are unenthusiastic. Even if it bothers him. Even if he will do it anyway. Don't capitulate.

Yes.

We have had one week at his new job and have not had the UA time that we planned on having. I feel like I have to constantly fight to have him spend time with me. When he comes home he seems frazzled and tired. We go to bed and then I fall asleep and he gets up out of bed and goes to spend time with the dog, because he says he feels badly that the dog doesn't get play time. I wake up and go find him and he says that he is tired and wants to go to sleep. He very rarely feels badly that I don't get time with him and even though he says, I married you because I love you and love to spend time with you and do things with you, he hardly ever shows it. I threw out my back and have been flat on my back and he said if I can't have a 2 hour lunch with him as we planned then he was not coming home to see me and spend that 2 hours with me, even though I am stuck at home in bed because of my back. I told him I expected him to come home to see me at lunch if I couldn't go there because of my back. If I can't come there for two hours then he needed to come here for two hours. Then he got mad at me. He was also mad at me this morning because he had to make breakfast for me and he had to take our students to school because i couldn't because of my back and he was half an hour late to his new job. Then he came home and the time we got to spend together was fixing a bill problem that he had not paid (I couldn't pay it myself because it was his bill and they wouldn't let me talk about the bill without his permission). I feel so unloved and uncared for by him. If I don't say anything, he ignores me and goes on his merry way without me, if I tell him how much I want to spend the time together he feels pressure and gets mad at me.

Have you checked the phone records and bank accounts? Put a VAR in his vehicle.

Are you planning to come here and blog? Or are you actually interested in Marriage Builders advise? Because you haven't followed the advise given so far, and therefore are making no progress.

1. You were advised to NOT support him taking the new job, because it would make UA time much more difficult. You ignored advise and encouraged him to take it.

2. You have been repeatedly encouraged to snoop for an affair, and have basically just stopped responding to posts about snooping. If he is having an affair, you realize that nothing you do to save your marriage will work, right?

DEvoted2him, what about the snooping? I am not sure what this post has to do with the advice that was given.

This is my first time using this site, I believe, by your comments, that I am using it incorrectly. I am not afraid to find out if my husband is having an affair. I have hired a private investigator in the past. I have checked phone records and even questioned him on numbers that were on the records and he showed me in his phone whose number those were. He just started the new job so there are a lot of new numbers that I don't know. He keeps his phone with him all the time and with my limited mobility because of severe sciatic pain right now is making everything extra difficult, I cannot walk or sit comfortably. I also told him up to the end that I didn't think it was a good idea to take the job, but I did not know what else we could do to make income. I also have a family locator on his phone and tried it when he was in the mountains but my carrier said it wouldn't have accurate location if in the mountains. If someone can explain the rules to this discussion board, that would be helpful. I thought we were discussing things. I noticed that the name has changed to a guidance board which means something totally different that a discussion board.

I have no idea how to install spyware on his phone.

D2H, we are trying to help you find solutions but it seems you are not paying attention to the advice. I would step it up here and get some spyware on his phone along with a GPS. Can you hire a PI?

You say you hired a PI in the past? What were the circumstances?

When he goes into the "mountains" does he take his car? My suspicion is that he is just turning his phone off and hooking up with someone.

Read through this thread to get some ideas about spyware: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187

He is not having an affair at this time. I have done research and keep track of his phone and his emails etc and used the location method on his phone. He has not gone to the mountains again except one time with me, so that is good. He is working on his anger which is great! And he is working on being honest and open by giving me all passwords, which is also great! Both things he is doing with a good attitude.

Our problem now is that our schedule for UA time is not working because his work schedule. Our plan is to have two 2 hour lunches together M-Th, (which are not happening because he is on a job site or his work is having a vendor lunch and they bring in food almost everyday). One of my husband's favorite recreational activities is eating out, I cannot compete with that because we don't have money to eat out right now. So his most enjoyable recreation time is at work with co-workers. I am not sure if it is expected of him to be at the vendor lunches. So I have to eat what we can afford at home. So his most enjoyable recreation time is at work with co-workers eating which he loves! Then we planned to have two 2 hour "dates" M-Th. (This is not happening because by the time he gets home 6:30 or 7, then we have dinner, he is too tired.) Last night I even re-did my makeup and hair before he came home thinking that he would be excited to be home. (He had someone at work tell him that he had a hot wife. So I guess my looks aren't the problem.) When he comes home he seems to be more interested in his phone than in me. He seems to have nothing left to give. We plan a 4 hour 'date" on Friday after he gets off work at 1 or 2 (originally we thought he would be off at 12 on Fridays) and a 4 hour time on Saturday. (He seems to not be excited about anything we plan for this time. I plan these because he puts very little input into our "dates"except if we eat out and we can't afford that right now, and he says there is nothing that he wants to do where we live.)
He also gets to go interesting places with work, places like An Airforce Base control tower, I cannot compete with things like that. He also is learning a lot of new things at work, which stresses him out and makes him tired but he loves it. We have no money so our times together seem boring to him, even if we do have money, the things we can do are not exciting to him, he is a "man's man" and enjoys men stuff the most and that is what gets him most excited.
When I looked at his phone, his son, my stepson told my husband that he was putting my husband 'in trust" for his house, he did not share that with me. We do not own our home. He also told a friend he was going Elk Cow Hunting in December but didn't tell me. We don't have the money for him to go. He spoke with his Mom who has cancer and she said she was getting Chemo and he did not tell me, (this is significant because we went to see her this past weekend and she said the doctor said there are no more treatments that she can have so she is just waiting her time out, so that is why I charged on my card a visit to see her last weekend and decorated her house with Thanksgiving decorations, but she shares her stuff only with him, even though I try and communicate with her. So I had no idea they were going to do chemo again until I looked at his phone. This is a pattern for him, not telling me what goes on in his life. He said he was sorry but the habit isn't changing.
My difficulty now is he is not communicating and our UA time is not happening. He shares more with his co-workers and extended family than he does with me.
Also all the household responsibilities have fallen on me since he started working and I don't have the time or money to do my job, real estate agent, because I have to take care of everything else at home which I am starting to resent. He doesn't have time to do the finances even though I kept telling him we didn't have money to pay the bills, our phones were suspended yesterday,that includes my work phone, so I had to figure out how to keep them on, because he was at work he couldn't do it.
He wants me to be an agent and I like it, but with him working I don't have time. I keep telling him this is not working for me,and he says he wants to talk about it but again there is never any time. He says he loves spending time with me, but he doesn't act like it. Any ideas about the UA and intimate conversation time and the me getting his "best"?
When I looked on his phone, he kept telling friends that he missed the place he used to live when we were separated, we have talked about moving but because he likes this job now he doesn't seem interested and we don't have any money anyway.
I think one thing we have to do is revise our UA time to something that will work for M-Th but can't think of what would work if he is too tired and always busy at work for lunch. ( He is at work not having lunch with someone else, which I can verify) I apologize if all this was too wordy.
Thanks again!

Do you have spyware on his phone?


Yes, I would sit down with him on Sunday afternoons and plan out 4 - 4 hour dates during the week. Plan your dates to start around 5 to 6 during the week and plan some dates on the weekend.

If your husband refuses to meet your needs, then Dr Harley would recommend that you separate. When to Call it Quits

We talked yesterday about sitting down on Sundays to talk about schedule for the week and add up the hours. Starting at 5 or 6 will not work during the week because he gets off work so late. We don't seem to have a problem making a schedule, though, it seems there is a problem keeping it. Today I am going to talk with him about that part of it and about not sharing important things with me. Thank you for your thoughts.

Do you have spyware on his phone??

How do I define between what is being rude and unkind and giving my husband the right to say no to my requests. For instance we went on a walk today and towards the end of the walk he started walking slower and then basically went his own way and continued on his walk. We were not arguing there was no turmoil, he just sort of stopped walking together with me. I didn't know how to react other to ask him why he was going his own way and didn't tell me and he said I thought you saw me going my own way, I did at the end. And that was it. Now he is mad at me and I am left anxious and wondering what went wrong.............again!
Please help me know how to respond to this situation as there are many others like it.

Why is he mad at you? Have you asked him?

He was incredibly rude to you on the walk. You don't just walk away from someone when you're on a date. Would he have behaved like that towards you when he was first dating you?

Do you have a means of communicating love busters with each other? I can't remember if that's been discussed on your thread. He seems to be willing to do the UA part of the MB programme. Is he willing to work through anything else? Would he exchange love busters sheets with you once a week, and agree to work on any issue you raised, without arguing or discussing it?

This would be a good thing to write on a sheet, rather than getting into a discussion that might end up being upsetting.

I think if this had been us one of us would just nonchalantly say "Where you headed?" If the other one didn't answer we would assume he/she is not enthusiastic about talking at the moment and not press him/her. (We might snoop to find out where the other went.)

You didn't notice that he'd gone his own way until the end?
It doesn't sound like either of you started this walk as a time to be together.

"It bothers me that when we go on a walk, you go your own way instead of staying with me."

-or-

"It would mean the world to me if you would go on walks with me and hold my hand the whole way."

-or-

"I would love it if you would walk side by side with me when we go on walks."

In other words, you don't need to tell him he was rude or unkind. You just need to let him know that the behavior bothers you, and you can make requests about what you would like to have happen.