What about email?

Thank you, I hear what you say: expose , then PlanB. I would need to feel safe in PlanB to expose further. It's truly sunk in that WH only cares about himself and his interests. Fighting my corner pretty much on my own, I need the attorney onisde so I dont dig a hole for myself.

email a possibility - a very blunt instrument, though!

Feel safe in what way?

Use Skype. If you do not already have this set up, do it now. Email him your Skype handle so that he can set you up as a contact. Tell him you have an important matter to discuss with him. When I told my adult children, they were incredibly grateful. This information will be an enormous relief for him. Children always know when there is something wrong.

Thank you all! You can hardly imagine what a help your support has been.

IM - sorted and 'being trained'😊

Hi, I did say above IM is being trained, but now I cannot find the link to :

IM training school

If somebody could help and post a link, I would be grateful

Many thanks!

here you go! http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264548#Post2264548

Thank you for the link, Mel. Mission accomplished!

I have a question re your Exposure 101: it says there: call OW parents - does that mean that one should not write?

Thank you for clarification.

R

You can call or write, whichever is best for your situation.

Thank you Melody, also for the invaluable advice re exposing to DS which I have taken.

What did your DS say?

Thanks BH, it went very well :-)
I am SO GLAD I followed Melody's advice on this, it made perfect sense to me and I was relieved to be guided to this on my own.
DS wants to exp. to own friends, before they hear on the grapevine, has started already.

Status Quo:

Separated

IM in place

Exp'd to: Clergy, doctor, OW family, my family, my friends, local acquaintance

Still to do:

finish Exps. to : WH family, neighbours, more local friends and acquaintances

Plan B letter & going dark

Get legal process rolling - appt is fixed for this

My question to the Vets: What is the best sequence/timing for the above to-do list, please?

a) finish exps., then coinicide going dark with legal appt.

or?

B) coincide rest of exp. with Plan B letter & going dark through IM,
which would protect me from fallout from WH/OW when exp.targets start to respond?

Many thanks for your precious advice. You guys are the best!
Also, when would I need to move this thread to the D forum?

R

You should finish your exposures ASAP, go into Plan B as soon as you are ready, and attend your legal appointment at first opportunity but independently of the timing of either your exposures or Plan B.

If and when to move your thread is something to take up with the moderators.

MrEureka is correct, finish up your exposures asap and then go into Plan B when you have your IM lined up. You don't have to wait for a legal separation to go into Plan B.

The exposures should not take more than 6-8 hours to complete them all and then you are ready for next steps.

Thank you Melody.

Exps. done not long after you last wrote -..... four days later: no "fallout" (yet?) - that I am aware of.

Feedback I had sofar: Much expressing of concern for me and sadness over the marriage breaking down, touching reassurances my own relationship with certain persons "won't be affected by it".

Over here, an affair is seen very much as symptom, rather than a cause in a failing marriage and the whole situation is widely regarded as a purely private matter that one should neither judge, nor get involved in. People accept it as a fact, and while they may be surprised to hear the news, they are not shocked by it; after all it's so commonplace.

WH's family - though some may - personally, be less than impressed with his developing a new relationship instead of addressing marriage issues first, will probably keep this to themselves and will certainly support him regardless (...."well, it obviously wasn't working....so it's for the best").

Whilst I am happy to have put the truth about the affair 'on record' with everyone, I guess this won't affect the inevitable outcome : a D.

My priorities now are getting my affairs in order legally and to move away and make a new life for myself.

Your advice is really excellent, always 'spot on' and I am grateful for it;
Anyone reading this thread, please do listen to and act fast on Melody's expert advice! Alas, I fear my M may have long been beyond remedy and I have certainly found MB - IMHO the best and only accurate 'diagnosis' and 'cure' out there - years? too late to save my M (that's if a M with a serial adulterer ever COULD be saved....)

R

Good job on exposure, Roma! I did not expect it would change anything in your marriage, however, it is always a good thing to get the truth out there. That way your husband cannot spin it to his favor.


This is the prevailing perspective in a America too. A large part of our culture likes to blame the victim like some people will always blame the rape victim for getting herself raped. Some people are crapwits and that is just an expectation. Even so, exposing the affair, even to enablers and fools, makes the adultery much less fun.

Thank you for your comments Melody, I am grateful for them, they're good to hear.

Plan B letter would now be my next step....however, I am feeling diffident about the latter bit about : absolutely ending the A, EPs and WH ENTHUSIASTICally joining me in a plan to restore our relationship.......as this seems quite unrealistic in my sitch and we have already separated.

I have the IM in place, however, and NC would be so good for my health and sanity, so I am very keen on that! (tho' there will probably be legal meetings with WH in attorney's office)

I am not sure up to 2 yrs in Plan B is a realistic option for me?

Would you advise me now to write the 'full' Plan B letter, anyway?

Many thanks again, for your thoughts.

R

I agree with your thinking, because your goal is not to reconcile. I would move forward with your life and just send him a modified letter telling him that all communication should be passed through your intermediary.

Thank you again, Melody for sharing your thoughts, it's such a support to hear the sane opinion of someone who really understands the problem :-)
R